!!!!!!!!!1

<small>[ October 19, 2002, 09:32 AM: Message edited by: happinesswithin ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I am thinking of responding to this e-mail, with kind words. But wanted some input on this first.

TORO</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Why? You know very well that, at this moment in time, there is nothing you can do or say that will open her mind or heart.

I would not take anything she says seriously because tomorrow she may change her mind, again.

Let go of her TORO. Let her discover what life will be like without you and let reality infect her fantasy with OM.

I beleive that OM is telling your WW that you are trying to get help from others to bring her back to the M, because she keeps on repeating the same 'it's over' ad nauseum. TORO you might want to consider changing your user name to regain the privacy you had before you told OM about your posting at MB.

My only advice would be to let her hit rock bottom. Sometimes they have to do that to get their head straight! I know with my FWH when I did Plan B he ran for OW "loving" arms. Didn't take long for reality to set in and for her to not really be as great as it all seemed when he didn't have to give up me and his child to be with her. Read SAA again-take care of yourself. She needs to figure it all out for herself. There is NOTHING that you can do. Now it is in the light of day and things can start happening. BTW, my FWH wrote an email to his parents to tell them what he had done, couched of course in all that I had done to make him so unhappy that the affair was his only possible response. Uh, huh. Well they were very unhappy, told him he had to end it with OW or our M would never work. She would never be accepted into the family and he should consider himself lucky that I still wanted to work on the M with him. Just the first step in FWH facing reality, not fantasy. Take care, hang in there. It ain't over 'til its over!

TMCM, can you tell me how to change my user name without OM finding out. I mean if I just annouce the change he will know. Could you please e-mail me.

toro_today@yahoo.com

TORO

When she disappears, who is getting custody of your 2 boys? How is she going to be a good mother to your boys if she disappears? She is just trying to deflect blame onto you. Obviously your inlaws and her friends are entitled to draw their own conclusions about adultery.

Maybe just write back a simple letter-

"I can not control your actions, I can not control your choices. I can not control the decisions and opinions of others. I can only work on being the best person I can be, which is what I am focused on doing right now."

espoir, she is not planning on leaving the state. She means to move out of our home town. This town is very small and everone knows everyone. I think she wants to get away from that but not too far away.

TORO

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by TORO:
<strong>TMCM, can you tell me how to change my user name without OM finding out. I mean if I just annouce the change he will know. Could you please e-mail me.

toro_today@yahoo.com

TORO</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">TORO I'm going to e-mail you the instructions on how to change your user name.

Hi TORO,

Listen to TMCM, don't respond to the email. Nothing you can say anyway. Let her boil for a while. Looks like the A is heading for trouble.

How was the relationship between WW and her family in the past? I can understand they don't aprove, but disowning her?? Anyhow they send her a clear message, at first it might drive her towards OM ... but reality will hit her any time now.

In the mean time just keep focussed on you and your kids.

sol1tair, Her relationship with her family has always been good. She is really close to her younger sister, the one who sent her the letter. She has 2 little ones who are twins. WW is close to them too. I know this will kill her inside after a while. OM lives 1500 miles away. So when she is back here, without them, sooner or later it will set in. I'm not thinking she'll come back to me, but something will happen i'm sure. WW has always been a proud person, someone who almost never admits when they're wrong and will probably never apologize. Her sister and I think that her pride will keep her from admitting she made a mistake and will just live with the mistake instead of admitting her mistakes.

TORO

TORO did you get my e-mail message on how to change your user name?

They all hate me now because what you have done.

Oh this statement just gets to me so MUCH! What YOU have done? Is SHE not the one who had the affair? Didn't SHE do anything wrong?

I HATE the stupid pea soup, London-thick, can't-see-an-inch-in-front-of-their-cheating-noses FOGGGGGGGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Toro, I agree with the others, do not bother replying, she ain't listening. When my srbx sends me venting emails, I never reply. Why? It is what he wants...to get my goat. Well, sorry, I am not playing anymore.

Love and light,

Nina

Toro,

It seems to me that your idoit BG is throwing a temper tantrum! The best thing you can do is to sit down and write a letter telling her everything you want to tell her. Pour it all out and be as honest as you can. Then BURN it! Don't give her the satisfaction of acknowledging her inner child. She is using this to try and make YOU feel guilty because she can't face her demons right now.

Your right with your opinion that this latest event will eat her up inside. I'm not so sure that her stubborn-ness will win out in the end. I think combination of the upcoming holidays, the distance that exists between her and the OP, and her loss of support (emotional) from you, is a great recipe for her to finally hit rock bottom.

In some ways it is a blessing in disguise.

Just try to believe in yourself and in the things that you want in your life.

My heart goes out to you and the kids. Good Luck.

Toro:

don't have time now, but I will reply later.

Good luck

Toro:

Well, I have 2 agree with the recommendations that you ignore this email. If you reply 2 anything at all, either this email or any subsequent emails, ignore the negative comments. That will show her (even2ally) that she can't get you riled by sending you this crap.

My prediction is that you will continue 2 hear from her FREQUENTLY, as you have in the past, while she tries 2 blame shift her behavior and avoid facing the consequences - the impact on her life and the lives of everyone around her. So be prepared. Be concise when or if you reply 2 anything from her, and ignore ALL the negative stuff. Like I've said before, leave her with NOTHING but positive memories of you and your response 2 this awful si2ation you find yourself in.

I've come 2 the realization in the past 3 months that I can love my W whatever happens 2 us and our M. My love for her is unconditional. Our M is a contract, and so it's not. I don't want it 2 end, but if it does it won't be because we hate each other.

From Toro's W's e-mail:

[QB]They all hate me now because what you have done.

Ok Toro, my 2 cents is to acknowledge this statement and sent it back as your reply to her.

From Toro:

To W:
They all hate me now because what you have done.

(this will be a confusing statement to the WS, it is suppose to be confusing - you are using her words back at her - reverse babble). Is this playing games? Could be but it is with a purpose.

Now is the time to play back those babble words to the WS.

To W:

You have told me that I can not control your decisions. So if you decide to 'abandon' your family and not willing to face the consquences of your actions, then you must do what you must.

However, your choice will require other actions on the part of all who are involved (Don't specify). I will try to respect your decision.

Signed,
Toro. (Something like that).

Now what have you said by this response? Nothing. Just reworded her threat into what it really is 'abandonment of family & being irresponsible'. She may not like to be viewed in that light. You are NOT asking her permission just stating an observation.

Then let her follow through. Watch out for the safety of you and the children, then let her go do what she must. You may find she is bluffing or not.

After this go work on plan B. Probably be wise to go see STeve first. I tend to be a bit hardlined on this subject since I find a mother who abandons her responsibilities highly offensive.

IMHO, don't minimize her actions or statements.

take care,
L.

Wanted to write what I would send her as a reply. I am NOT going to send it, but this is all I would say.

Dear WW,
I understand what you are feeling right now. I hope someday you be able to realize what has transpired between us. But, you wrote something in your e-mail to me that I just felt I needed to respond to. You said to me that you hope I find happiness. WW, if I have learned anything in the last month it is that I cannot find happiness in other people. My happiness is tied to me being happy with myself. I will find that happiness within myself and at some point in my life I will share that happiness with someone. If I am searching for happiness, I will be searching along time and will never find it. Right now I am sharing my happiness with our boys. At some point when I feel that our boys are ready for their father to share that happiness with another, and when I feel I am ready, I will do just that. I know that is a long way off for me and I am ok with that.
I wanted to tell you I hope you find happiness too. But what I would really mean by that is I hope you find happiness WITHIN yourself. That is the most important thing. If you can do that then you will have a truly rewarding life.
I want you to be happy and I in no way want to hurt you. I love you and will be here for you if you need me.

I'm not going to send it, just what I would say if I did.

TORO

That was very good TORO and so right on the money. Too bad that your WW and her OM will have to learn the hard way in the weeks or months to come of how true your view on happiness really is. And it is also too bad that they are so fogged up right now, that sending them this very valuable message would only go thru their eyes and out of their butt. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />