--- Warning this is not MB material ---

Hi All,

Since I am married for 17 yr, 80% WW will get SS for life. WW is not seeking employment, of course she won't, she got $3K+/mo for SS+CS. I really resent this since she use the $$ to wine & dine OM not to better my 2 D's life !!!. I took a calculated risk and let the natural course happen. For a few months I slack on my job and xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx. Well, I did get lay off. Now all SS+CS is on the table again. I will take a job that pay 50% of my previous one and I would still bring home the same amount ! and if she didn't find a job ... judge could even use Garvon order to striped her from SS. I let her face the real world, stripped compeletly from financial security from me. OM has no way of fillin it.

I petition of change of status, in Ca after 6 months+ 1 day after you were served or you W were served, we could petition to change our status from M to Dv. The judge grant it and I got sworned but the date of legal status change is Dec-31. CC, SS, & division of asset, change of status are treated separately in Ca. Why ?. Since my WW is the petition on this Dv, she could cancel it w/ whatever reason and if I want to continue it I have to go through the process all over again. W/ this order of change of status, I am the one who have to cancel my petition of status change, she can't drop Dv now. 12/31/02 is the deadline before I throw away the key forever. I need to move on.

This is got nothing to do w/ MB, I have to protect my financial future including my 2 D, I have to protect my emotion myself ... I am worn out.

-RH-

<small>[ October 18, 2002, 11:51 PM: Message edited by: redhat ]</small>

I'm sorry Redhat, you've fought the good fight... there is still time left though.

What is the Garvon order? I tried to do a search and came up with nothing.

I think you are doing the right thing to protect your daughters.

SS will end if she does remarry though correct? It will not be for life regardless of her marital status - <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

E

Redhat - you need to edit your post and remove the part where you describe setting yourself up for a layoff, for the purpose of reducing your income. And perhaps even rethink that whole strategy. Because a court will generally reduce support only if the circumstances were beyond your control.

Where did the SS-for-life idea come from? Does your wife have a degree? I have seen a guideline 1 year of alimony for each 3 of marriage, about 6 years in your case. Is she even 40 yet? You mean 17 years of marriage will get her maybe 30 years of SS? Won't the court assign her an earning capacity, and leave her the responsibility of meeting it? I can't imagine that a "progressive" state like CA would leave her at zero earning capacity.

Who is paying her personal medical insurance now? And who will after the divorce? I can keep WW on my group plan while separated, but I can't after the divorce. Only the kids stay on my plan. That means she would pay COBRA for up to 36 months. And then what? Most group plans would let you keep the kids on, even if you are not the primary custodial parent, but I hear that some plans do not. More arguments for her finding a job with benefits.

justthewife:
Yes, there is time left but she only has 'till Dec 31 to do the right thing ... I don't see how she will do that. She will need more than SH's coaching to do it.

Actually it is called Gavron Warning, she has to show good faith efforts to become self supporting as provided for in Family Code section 4320. If the court find that she is not, the court could modify or even terminating the SS. Sorry ... fat finger on transposing chars.

Yes, SS will end if she remarry ... I know she won't.

tmmx:

I edited my post, thank. Actually it is beyond my control, I just made it easier for them to lay me off. Even my SVP doesn't know who will get ax until that morning.

About the SS, I do not want to take chances. For 17 yr of M, the court could order me at least half of the M. She has a degree but in music performance and she only held a clerical job. I helped her to get started into computer network before she quit. She is 37 ... close enough to be ordered SS for life. I know her lawyer will push for it and depend on the judge. This Gavron warning is exactly what you are talking about for her to find employment. The max. the the court will assign to her is $40K which is only a fraction of my salary. However since she is too caught up w/ A she has done nothing. She could find a shrink to give her reason that she can't work. I notice that she started to be in AD med. and she never beleive in that. I want to take control of this 'coaster ride.

Her lawyer try to stick the insurance to me ... and that is the only reason for her laywer not to agree on change of status right away. She wants to take me to the cleaner and she stated so to my BIL before.

Thanks, -RH-

Redhat, I'm afraid I don't unstand much of the jargon. What I do understand it that you are upset and that upsets me. I am sorry your WW is being so unpleasant. It sux and she is a fool. You are a good man and deserve far more respect than what your getting.

Seahorse,

Thanks for your support. Here is some of the acroynm.

SS- Spousal Support
CS- Child Support
CC- Child Custody
CA- California
COBRA- I forgot what it stand for but basically will allow me to buy health insurance (w/ the same coverage w/ the same company) even after I am laid off for certain period of time as long as I don't have a new job that has insurance coverage.

My deep regret about Bali bombing, hope none of those are your freinds or relatives. Those terrorist are from outside, not even from Bali. They are very peaceful society. w/ this incident many of strugeling locals that depend on tourist will get hurt.
-RH-

redhat my old friend- i send big hugggggs!!

Redhat,
I'm so sorry to hear things are only getting worse. BTDT

Let me just add that apparently our oh, so confused WS's seem to have to TOTALLY self-destruct before they can get their heads screwed on straight.

As far as I'm concerned, my WH could not think about anything else during the year it took to get through the entire Dv process, so in my mind, the "clock" didn't start ticking on him getting OUT of his fog until that time (just last June). I saw him totally and completely consumed with the one thought that he had to get this Dv! I don't believe anything could have dissuaded him from his goal. Perhaps your W is in the same situation? She <thinks> she wants this sooooo badly, she can't think straight at all!

We all know that the reality of what her life will be post-Dv will change, once om starts having to "pitch in" and meet all her EN's on a daily basis, without the distraction of trying to get Dv'd from YOU! Trust me, that's when the "fat" hits the fan........you are no longer the common enemy after that time.

Sit back, bide your time, and watch this thing unfold. I know it's hard to remain unbiased while going through it, but if you can, it's a helluva picture show!

I like your game plan, but I think the advice NOT to "publish" it is wise.

God Bless my friend,

Hello redhat,

My condolences about your current situation. Could you ever have imagined that your life would have been disrupted for SO LONG? Unfortunately, it seems like many divorced BHs have to suffer from their WW's betrayal both financially and emotionally for life. I hope that there no problem with your keeping the girls.

Take care,
Estes

Hi Redhat, oh I get it now, and it dosen't seem very fair. It just adds insult to injury.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> My deep regret about Bali bombing, hope none of those are your freinds or relatives. Those terrorist are from outside, not even from Bali. They are very peaceful society. w/ this incident many of strugeling locals that depend on tourist will get hurt.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I had a work colleague there at the time, but she has returned (thank God). She visits Bali every year and so knows the impact this will have on the local people - for them it will be devastating. You could tell that she had been traumatised by what she did see (and it wasn't that much). I pray that people of the world will become more compassionate towards each other.

Nikko: Thanks, I see your H finally turned around. SH will guide both of you into better M. You are in a good hand.

Lupolady: Yes, WW never look back on our M. However their R is full w/ violent and she tried hard to make M work. I heard that WW watch Dr. Phil etc ... to make her R work with OM !!!. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> She will try to make her A work 'cause of her ego and pride. She makes OM happy but she will not make herself happy. She will snap, it just a matter of time. Thanks for the advice but I posted here so some BS that has doing plan A for far too long could learn to protect themself.

Estes: Yes, A hurts not only BS but everyone around them. Its selfishness sucks dry anything along its path. I am good w/ CC, she might lose it if OM starts drinking or their R turns violent in front of my kids. I will file in RO under their behalf and I will make WW do supervise visit only. Nothing personal but their A is a ticking bomb.

Seahorse: Yes, the very law that suppose to protect Family destroy many M. I don't agree w/ dead beat dad and I could see why some did it ... I could imagine if I have to pay that amount for the rest of herlife (unmodifiable SS) and I can't for some reason or another ... I will have to choose between living in debt or disapear somewhere. I know I would not trade having my 2D for anything in the world but many deadbeat will not. I will survive as many BS here ... I am glad this happen since I will have a chance to start new of everything ... new car, new home, new job, new R. Hope Indonesian Government does the right thing. They should let outsiders (US/AU and many other nations) to help them to hunt down those [censored]. BTW, local law changed to include dead penalty for this kind of offense. Hope they catch them.

-RH-