I am new here and wanted to write about my experience and see what others felt. Sorry if it's long. But.....

Cliff notes are at the bottom if you don't feel like reading my long confesstion here, but I would appreciate if you could read the entire thing and help out some.

I have been married for about a year and a half now. I love my wife and she is the most beautiful women I have ever been with. But after the three years we have know one another and our past 1.5 year marriage, I have felt that she isn't meeting some of my needs.

Introduce co-worker. I recently was hired onto a company that I have worked contract for sometime. The coworker had been here roughly a few months before me. Being in the field I am, we have to work together almost everyday.
It started out just normally, chatting at first very briefly in person. Then we started chatting even more through Instant Messaging. Then our conversations and relationship took off. It started benign at first, but then took a turn to where messages started to have a sexual undertone to them. And both of us inititated it at the same time.
We had been chatting in person and through IM for a couple of weeks. Recently we went to lunch, and had a good time. We discussed our marriages, our lives and pretty much everything else, but any hint of a feelings for one another.
This all has happened over a period of a few weeks.
Then the reason I am posting came up. She went on vacation with her husband and friends, and had to pick up a relative at the airport to watch their house and kids. Since she wasn't able to pick them up till later, she had the idea of hanging out after work for awhile. So we went down the street to a pool hall to kill time. Just the two of us.
We played pool and drank, which was most likely the cause of the following.
As we were playing, we were both throwing out signs. Then it happened. As I was walking back to my seat, she stayed in hers. I went up to grab my drink put it down, and just looked at her. As we looked at one another we began to get closer, finally ending up kissing. And it was a passionate one, not a quickie.
From that point on I felt that I had a weight lifted off my shoulder, and we didn't stop kissing through the rest of the night.
She finally had to leave and we walked to our cars. Hugged, kissed and said our goodbyes.

Since then I am having those feelings you get when you first meet someone and feel close to them. That butterfly/knot feeling you get in your stomach.

Now she returns soon and I am wondering how to react at work? Do I discuss that night, or let it go? Do we talk about how to handle things, or not even worry about it?

I love my wife, but talking to my co-worker makes me feel good, being close to her feels even better.

If anyone has had a simliar experience I would like to hear about it. I am confused and wondering what I should do.

Thanks for reading.

*Cliff Notes*
I'm married, started talking to married co-worker. Went to pool hall to kill time, drank. Ended up kissing. Having good feelings towards her, but feel bad at the same time. She comes back soon, how do I deal with it.

STOP NOW, and tell her it was a big mistake , you enjoyed her friendship and the other night with the drinking, darkness and all led to too much.

Tell her, as you say, you love your wife, you valueyour marriage.

Go back to your marriage where you belong to work thorugh commitment and needs and his and her give and take as you promised your wif eyou would do.

Do not go further with this infidelity. It is wrong.

Sorry I am blunt.

I really think you should tell your wife about your mistake and work this through with her... if you cant tell your wife... go ahaed and work on your marriage full force.

I am sorry you have turned outside your marriage.

DOnt do it again, you will be sorry.

Honey

NOT talking about the underlying tension between you two is how you got here in the first place. So don't just pretend nothing happened.

Write her a note explaining that you got carried away, that you are married and love your wife and don't want to jeoporadize your marriage. Write a note, DON'T DO IT IN PERSON.

THEN, take your wife out for the evening. Go play pool, if you want. Flirt with her. Stay out all night, or do something crazy. You need to re-ignite the spark at home... and refocus yourself as well.

DUH,

I have definitely been there. First of all, don't beat yourself up. You are human and human beings make mistakes. Also, you have done the right thing by coming to this site. You clearly recognize the danger of this situation and that is a good thing.

I guess my big question for you is how do you truly feel about your wife? I hear you when you say she is the most beautiful person, so it sounds to me like you really do love her and you don't want to ruin anything with your relationship.

If this is true, then I have one word for you...DON'T DO IT! I am in a very similar situation to you, except that I let my A get out of control and I took it further than it should have ever gone. Like you, I truly love my H. He is the most beautiful person I know and I could not ask for a better partner. And like you, I was weak and let those "butterfly" feelings with the other man get the best of me.

Let's face it, people like falling in love. It's a high. It's addictive. Who does not love that tingly feeling you get when you are in a new relationship. Passion and sexual attration are very strong emotions. But don't forget that those butterfly feelings don't last...not with anyone.

So please think about what you are doing. If you really love your wife, don't let this go any further. You obviously know what to do here. Stop it before you ruin your family and possibly the other woman's family.

I speak from experience...passion is nothing compared to the unconditional love of your wife and family.

Best of luck.

Riff, Honey and everyone on this board will say the same thing -- Kill it now, brutally. Then turn back to your wife. Read the MB web site and start applying the lessons learned. There are hundreds of stories on here from people who wish they had your opportunity. God knows I do.

One more thing.

I am sorry to say this, but I disagree with Honey. DO NOT tell your wife. THis was a mistake, and that is that. If you have no intention to pursue this further, then nothing can be gained from telling her except hurt and pain.

It was a kiss...that is not the end of the world. Just tell the OW that you are sorry it happened and it will never happen again and MOVE ON.

It's up to you, but if you and your wife are in a good relationship, I see no good in telling her.

Of course with any marriage it has it's ups and downs. But lately it's been mainly down, and we have both discussed it with one another to try and solve it. But after the discussion, nothing happens. Things are a little better but not enough to get back up that hill. And the cylcle repeats.
I do have to disagree with some and say I will not tell my wife. The kissing was a mistake and that can be solved and forgotten.
The only problem I run into is, that I HAVE to work with her, there is no way around it.
Plus, the reason I even began speaking with her was that we have similiar lives, backgrounds, and so on, everything that you would want in a friend. And that's where my weakness is I guess.
The friendship part of it.

But, I really do appreciate the honesty and response of everyone. I am taking advice and will have to figure out what to do.
But please keep the help coming.

thanks

duh,

Do a search in the past few weeks by a poster called cautious...he recently experienced the same...(are you sure you aren't him...the vacation stuff sounds familiar)... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Tons of advice there and really honest stories about how you are feeling...and how much you stand to hurt many people...

Also if you and your wife have talked about things that you both reconize need to change..that is great news...but you can only change her...you must identify what part you play in the cycles of marriage that cause it to go down hill...and learn to avoid, change or sometimes accept them....
Why not use this opportunity to really explore and focus on your own marriage...all those passionate and exciting feelings you are feeling outside of your marriage...really can and do exist at home...you've just forgotten that...and have been spending all this time and energy on someone else...you are cheating yourself and your wife of exactly what you seek....

ARK

Ark, I can definitely tell you that's not me.

As far as changing to better our relationship, I can definitely tell you all I am trying. But sometimes I just get frustrated with my wife and I guees I revert back to my old ways.
I am still trying to figure out what another women can give me. Is it more affection, intimacy, conversation, I don't know.

I am reading alot more through this site and alot of the information is sinking in.

I just don't know if I am as strongly attracted to my wife as I used to be. Is that my fault, my wife's. I definitely see a need to try and rekindle things, but like I said before we do try but nill. Maybe some outside help would be beneficial after I get the current situation taken care of.

Just still thinking and figuring things out.

Thanks for the replies, they are really helping.

First of all, tell your W about what happened. Now! For one thing, if you don't tell her, you're just setting up a situation with OW so it can happen again. Also, W has a right to know and decide for herself if this is the kind of H she wants to stay married to. And finally, it may be the wake-up call she needs to realize your M is at stake and she needs to start working at re-kindling that love & passion you 2 had.

Secondly, you need to be brutally honest with the OW and call it quits. Tell her you are committed to your M & don't want anything to happen. Then make sure you are not alone with her or start any friendship.

Instead, find that friendship with your W. There were reasons you married her. Somewhere along the way you've forgotten them & let the bad overtake the good. Find those good things again & work on them. If you can, start MC with Harley - they can get you 2 doing things that will start you off on the right track.

<small>[ October 19, 2002, 02:40 AM: Message edited by: SH94 ]</small>

SH94 gave you excellent advice. You have a serious problem in your marriage that will not be resolved unless you confront it and find out what has led you to do this.

Your W needs to know the entire truth. She has a right to know who she is married to and withholding this information from her is cruel and manipulative. You would be holding her in the marriage under false pretenses because she does not have all the information.

Your marriage has one foot on a banana peel right now and your ONLY hope is to tell her the truth and get this out in the open. Otherwise, this affair is going to spiral out of control and result in the certain loss of your marriage.

oh, and in response to your statement that "something COULD be starting," I would respond that something *HAS* started. And that something just happens to be an adulterous AFFAIR.

Extraordinary Precautions or "10 Rules for Avoiding Emotional Infidelity

Keeping members of the opposite sex out of your intimate way is crucial to the success of marriage. In today’s world, it takes focus and planning. Consider the following ten rules of avoiding potentially damaging relationships with members of the opposite sex.

Rule 1: Keep It All Business at the Office

What’s integral to your job and what’s not? You certainly want cordial relationships with all your colleagues. However, being cordial means inquiring of a colleague how her sick mom is doing and how her daughter’s birthday party was. It doesn’t mean chatting for a half hour and laughing about his recent trip to Egypt. Keep conversations that aren’t strictly related to business short and sweet. A person rarely talks to you for any length of time unless you hold up your end of the conversation.

Rule 2: Avoid Meetings with Members of the Opposite Sex Outside of the Workplace

If you have to work together through lunch or dinner, order food into the office rather than go out. Restaurants are far more intimate than your office, and you are much more likely to discuss issues outside of business when you’re on the outside. When you do finish a project, avoid the celebratory coffee, drinks, or dinner. Celebrate with your husband or wife at home instead. Share with your partner how much energy this project took. Let your mate into your life more rather than cutting him or her out by bonding a little more with your colleague. You don’t owe your colleague dinner or the reward of friendship because you worked together. If someone at the office cracks open the champagne for the group, by all means, join in the toast, but don’t linger. Congratulate everyone on a job well done, but make it clear where your attention and allegiance lie by explaining that you have a date with your spouse.

When you do have to meet outside the office, make the meeting in a public place that isn’t conducive to intimacy. Avoid long car rides, as the close physical proximity and inability to leave one another begs for idle chatter and potential intimacy.

Rule 3: Meet in Groups

When meeting with members of the opposite sex, try to avoid meeting alone. The addition of even one extra person greatly minimizes any potential for intimacy. Even if it means asking a coworker to tag along for no other reason but to make sure the meeting stays focused on business, it’s worthwhile. Group meetings also send the message to others that we’re here for a particular goal and then we’re through. People hold back from intimacy in a group both because they’re naturally more cautious about sharing and because they’re not sure if what they have to say will interest the whole group.

Rule 4: Find Polite Ways of Ending Personal Conversations

Learn to bow out gracefully from conversations that you feel are too intimate for comfort. If you feel someone is sharing personal information that is likely to draw you into a more intimate relationship, end the conversation politely. For example, say something like, “This sounds very serious, and I just don’t know what to say. I surely don’t feel comfortable giving advice on such an important issue. If I were you, I’d talk to someone who really knows me well, or even consider talking to a clergy person or counselor to air out my thoughts.” In this way you’ve referred the person to others who could be more of help and made sure you won’t become the shoulder to lean on.

Rule 5: Avoid Consistency in the Relationship

You’d think from these rules that I’ve never carried on more than a forty-five-second conversation with a female since my marriage. Yet I’ve had plenty of conversations with personal content. I just don’t have them consistently. To tell a colleague about the great time you had on your vacation or to listen to her go on about hers for a while is fine, as long as it ends there and as long as such conversations unrelated to business are inconsistent. What you want to avoid are regular, ongoing personal conversations in which you’re developing themes, favorite topics, or a continuing dialogue. Relationships need time and consistency to build. Having an occasional laugh is safe, as long as it stays rare.

Rule 6: Don’t Share Your Personal Feelings

When you do find yourself engaged in conversation with a member of the opposite sex, share little of your personal experience or feelings. This curtails the other person’s ability to relate to you. This doesn’t mean you can’t be polite or helpful. If your colleague shares with you that he’s learning to scuba dive, you could ask him how it’s going and if he’s enjoying it without sharing that it’s been your personal dream to do the same for years. If you feel the need to share that feeling, tell your spouse that night instead about how you were talking to someone who’s begun lessons and that you’re frustrated that you haven’t found the time to do it.

Rule 7: Be Unflinchingly Honest with Yourself

Sometimes people convince themselves that it can even help their marriage to express some sexual energy through “innocent” flirtatious conversations: “Hey, I’m not going to do anything, so where’s the harm?” However, ask yourself how uncomfortable you’d be if your spouse found a similar method of “improving” your marriage. Be aware of whether you are ever feeling the slightest twinge of intimacy or attraction, whether sexually or emotionally. Consider honestly why you’re looking forward to the next time you meet up again with that person. Be truthful if you have a little bounce in your step as you walk away from a conversation with him or her, or you suddenly have a little more energy after it. Think your flirtation is so innocent? Test yourself: Would you tell your spouse? If you tell yourself that your interaction with a certain person of the opposite sex is fine, ask yourself if your spouse would agree.

Rule 8: Avoid Cordial Kisses and Hugs, or Dancing with Members of the Opposite Sex

This may sound extreme, but with even one kiss comes a certain intimacy. Even a cordial hello kiss can be quite a sensual experience. Most often, a simple handshake will do. In the psychoanalytic community, there are clear guidelines that prohibit physical contact, even with same-sex patients. This is not only because of the fear that a sympathetic hug might lead somewhere sexually but because a simple hug immediately changes the relationship and can confuse the perception of both parties. If you ever need a polite excuse for avoiding a kiss or dance, explain that you have a cold and fear it’s contagious. You can always clasp the shaker’s hand with both hands to indicate extra warmth without introducing intimate touch. I realize that it’s become common to hug and kiss even business associates. I join with Miss Manners in disapproving of this unnecessary intimacy.

Rule 9: Don’t Drink Around the Opposite Sex

When we drink alcohol, we lose our inhibitions and clarity. I’m not talking just about the kind of dead drunk that’ll get you into bed when you don’t want to, or aren’t thinking straight (although I’m skeptical how much decision making we lose from drinking—after all, I’ve never heard a heterosexual husband say, “Really, honey, I don’t remember anything except waking up the next morning to find him in my bed”). Even a single glass of wine or shot of scotch is enough to relax you and lead to a more personal conversation that may be damaging to your marriage at a later time. It’s these conversations that leave a door open for later intimacy. If you’re at a party and really want to join in the festivities, plant yourself next to your spouse.

Rule 10: Show Your Commitment to Your Spouse Daily

Do something thoughtful for your spouse every single day. This could be a lovely note, a phone call, or a more elaborate effort to plan a getaway. Doing something for your spouse reminds you throughout the day how special this person is to you. Focus on the kind things your spouse has done for you, and remember that relationships take effort and time to grow. Have lots of photos of your spouse, kids, and pets around the office as a visual reminder to you and others of your priorities. Even when I’m staying in a hotel for one night, I place two or three photos of my wife and family around the hotel room. I don’t need the photos to avoid an affair. But I do need to be cloaked in love, and photos can help me focus on how much love I have in my life even when my family is far away."

Search for the recent threads on this forum by cautious, Member # 22225. He is man who is in a similar situation you are in. He was in more denial that the situation is wrong.. but he is on the same path you are. You will see that none of this is unique to your situation. Since he stopped posting I’m sure that he has decided to take his affair all the way with no regard to his wife.

If you continue with this affair, your wife will more then likely find out. The BS (betrayed spouse) usually does. So your not telling her is a mute point. You don’t need to, someone else will or she will figure it out for herself. So think about that… how will you handle it when she does find out. On thing I will ask, do show her respect and do not tell you that you did not mean to hurt her. Of course you are meaning to hurt her. You are proceeding without regard for her well being. Most WS tell the BS that. It drives a person nuts. Please just be honest and tell her that you knew it would hurt her but you did not care. You thought she would never find out so it was of no consequence. But in the end you simply did not give a hoot about her. Just be honest.

In the end, if you continue this affair, you will so seriously damage you marriage that it will take years to recover. Yes you will suffer from it was well as your wife. It typically takes 2-10 years to recover. An affair is just about the worst thing one spouse can do to the other.

If you want to save your marriage and not hurt your wife’s love for you, you will need to stop this affair asap. I suggest that you read the material on this web site and the MB books “Surviving an Affair”, “His Needs, Her Needs” and “Love Busters”. In addition, a very helpful book is ”Divorce Busting” or it’s rewrite “The Divorce Remedy”

I hope you make the decision that will save your marriage.

I read those 10 rules a day ago. And whew, looks like I broke most of them.

I have been reading more and more on this site and from others. So far the responses from this message board have been more usefull than anything else.

I am going to say this, since I typed my first post, I have been speaking with my wife about me needing more affection and/or attention. She responded with the same question back to me. I then asked if it has occured to her that I may need more than her. Her response surprised through a long discussion, that she will try and I will return the favor as well.

I even went into the story of the love bank, and expressed to her that my account is LOW and needed some deposits. She said ok, and if she makes a deposit, then I will have to make a deposit to her. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I have already decided that I will not tell her. I made a mistake and it will not go any further. I am sorry if you disagree with this, but this is my M, and I do not believe that my M will be surrounded by lies. I am human and I will correct my mistake. If it does continue to bother me, than maybe but I doubt that will ever arise.

I plan on speaking with the OW on monday. I plan on explaining that I did have a good time that night, but it was a mistake, I should be having those experiences with my wife, not her. I feel that since it didn't go that far, that our working relationship won't suffer and that's all that it will be, a working relationship. I have explained before that I HAVE to work with her, and if I feel that things may get out of hand again, then I will do something about it.

I will let you all know how it goes, and really do appreciate the help and advice.

With hope I won't have to come back to this forum again, and post in some of the others that deal with a good marriage.

Thanks

This kind of stuff breaks my heart. If you only knew how much pain this path brings. I am glad to hear you talked to her...you owe her that, she is afterall your wife. I am one of those rare MBer's that doesnt agree with radical honesty in every case. I know it is just personal for me and the MB theory is totally correct but I just would never want to live the horror of hearing it again. It was stupid you know that, it will harm her. I know this is biased advice so take it with a grain of salt. Please keep reading here about how tragic these things can get. Attraction and sexual tension make the OW seem like she is filling some need but really she is just a diversion that turns your head for the moment. Your honest needs can only ever be filled by your wife. If she refused to hear you that would be one thing but she is open to trying. You should read a thread in Emotional Needs by holdingontoit...his wife has for years cruely denied fulfilling his needs...he doesnt turn away from her however. They have had a recent breakthrough. The point of his thread to me is the honest and genuine way he has dealt with the challenges of his marriage. He has worked on it and came to a point where he told his wife he must have certain things in his marriage or he will not be married to her. I admire this so much because he didnt just go to her and say oh well I told her and she slid back to her old ways...now I better find some chickie to fulfill me. All of his threads are so inspiring.

I did for a moment wonder if you were cautious as well...hopefully you are sincere.

best wishes for a happy marriage

ayslyne

How much reading have you done here?

Have you considered counseling?

By the way, I think you need to talk with the co-worker. Tell her the whole thing is nipped in the bud. Have nothing but minimal professional contact with her. If she tries, even once, to pursue you, inform her again that it is over and you will consider any further pursuit to be sexual harassement - because it would be - and that, because you value your wife/marriage so much, you will have no choice but to pursue company protocol on dealing with the situation.

I can sound 'preachy' on this topic because my xh's pursuit of a woman at work is a major contributor to the fact that my son will grow up with no memory of his parents living together. He was less than 2-1/2 years old when his father moved out - claiming that he had found a chance at happiness and he was afraid not to take it.

<small>[ October 19, 2002, 06:55 PM: Message edited by: cinderella ]</small>