I haven't had any replies or advice. Maybe I'm too impatient. I thougt I was asking the right place. So down right now. Really needed someone to talk too.

Whoa now! Wassup? Didn't see a post from you. Believe me, I jump on just about everything I see, so let's hear the story. What's on your mind? HEY EVERYBODY! Listen up!

Oh I'm sure you didn't do or say anything wrong here.

Where is your original post? Let us help you.

Tell us what is going on.

I'm here to listen and help too

Zoey

This is my repost from earlier today. I posted yesterday as well. I did get one reply yesterday.

Ok yesterday I was "hopelessfool". I was asked to change my name so I did. I just don't know what to do anymore. He tells me he isn't going to have any contact with her. He has told me that for about 2 months now. I found out earlier this week that he has talked to her and I know of one occasion that him and a friend went by so that friend could meet someone. He doesn't understand why that hurt me so much or why I had a problem with it. He "made a mistake", he said. "Used poor judgement". But nothing happened. They were only there for a minute. Casual conversation and that was it. Biggest mistake for me I guess is that I have had email conversations with her. She has told me that he has picked me and that he wants to stay married that he can't imagine not seeing Asia and Jordan (our 8 month old and our 3 yr old) everyday and being with them. It warmed my heart to hear this. But why is he even talking to her. This is someone who is obsessed with him whether the A is real, ongoing or what have you. He says they had an encounter years ago and they have been nothing but friends since. But she insists they have been more but not as of lately. I don't know who to believe. I have caught both of them in lies. I want to spend the rest of my life with him but I want him to be honest, respectful and faithful. Righ now I don't feel any of that. He doesn't appreciate me and I don't believe anything he says. I call him and is obviously on the other line, I ask who he talking to, he tells me and I don't believe him. Everything is under suspicion. I don't like being like this. I am bitter and angry. I don't know how to let go and be me again. I find myself somewhat back to normal, if that's possible, and then something happens like and email or her name is on Caller ID when I get home from work. I'm sure she has called way more than I know but he almost always erases caller id before I can get to it.

Ok. I'm reading it and your not sure if an A has occured yet but these two had contact years ago. Were you and your H together when they had their first contact?

Have you spoken to him about No Contact and this relationship he continues to carry on with her is hurting your marriage? Have you read all the info on this site?

May I ask your age and how long you have both been together.

I'm willing to help you however I can. Sorry you are so broken hearted and you feel he doesn't understand you. That is something we have all felt before trust me.

Tell me a bit more and I will be happy to help you

Zoey

PS: CHORUS. We have a mission now. Lets see what we can do to help this nice lady. :-)

<small>[ October 18, 2002, 04:40 PM: Message edited by: Zoey ]</small>

This is my post from yesterday. It is truly a web of a mess.

I have got to biggest fool out here. I have been oblivious to everything. I was so trusting and niave in the beginning and look what it got me. My husband and I have a long history. We met 16 years ago when I was 15 and he was 17. We dated for a while and split up for a while. We got back together in 1993. We moved in together in 1996 and got married in 1999. Yesterday was our 4 year wedding anniversary. We have two beautiful children, our son Jordan who is 3 and our daughter who is 8 months old. My husband has always been my world where everything evolved and still does around him. I've never had very many friends. Kind of a loner I guess. So he has always been the center of my world. He on the other hand is extremely out going and has lots of friends. A lot of female friends. It never bothered me at first. But then I kept finding things but he could always explain them away. And now I see how stupid I was. Any way shortly after my son was born I had an encounter with a girl who said she had had an affair with my husband and had been since like a month after we moved in together. She claimed she had been pregnant with his baby but lost it. She said she was through and didn't want to break up our family. I was stupid and believed her. So much has happened and so much drama in the last six years I can't even begin to tell all. Then I broke into his email and found out about another person. He said it was all a set up because he knew I was checking up on him. I again believed him. Come to find out he had continued to see her for 7 months and was still seeing the other girl too. The other girl claims to have had another child by him. He denies all of it except the 7 month affair. I can ask question all day about that one and he will answer every thing. But now I am so confused, hurt, angry, overwhelmed, etc. I don't know which end is up anymore. I don't trust anything he says or does. I am suspicious of everything and feel so lost and alone. I love him but hate him for doing this to me and our family. He swears that I am the only one for me and that he is not going to leave me or his family for anything or anyone. He loves me and only me. But I don't believe anything that comes out of his mouth. We still have wonderful moments and then there are setbacks. I truly believe I need to be on Zoloft or something. With the new baby and work and trying to save my marriage and every other aspect you can think of, I am so stressed out. I am in such turmoil. Some days I think I should just pack us up and leave and others I don't see how. I truly can't imagine life without him. He has been my life for over half of my life. I am a hopeless fool. How can I still love someone who has done this to me? How can believe he loves me when he has done the things he has done? What if he really does have a child with this OW? How do I know things are different now? How do I know it won't happen again? Once a cheater always a cheater? In some ways I want it to work. I want to have a happy marriage. A marriage I always dreamed of. Is it possible? How do you rebuild from so much deceit? I trusted him whole heartedly and he walked all over me and abused it. Can you really ever get it back?
------------------------------------------------------------------------

SC4H --
Whew! You got a full plate! Ok, I'll start with the basics -- have you started reading the MB web site, the rules, the principles, etc. etc.? If not, that's a good start.

Now, as I'll be out of town for the weekend and away from a computer (withdrawals!), I'll hand you over to Zoey and the rest of the cast of zanies on this board. They're good folks. They caught me when I was fallin'.

Z -- You go girl. I'll pick up the thread when I get back! Have a great weekend all!

Hang in there SC4H

SC4H,

Its important that your message is getting across to your H in a good way. If you are yelling, crying and carrying on about it, it won't work, he won't take you serious. How often do we take anyone serious that is yelling at us or accusing us of things.

I was a WS. I had the affair and my husband found out. It was terrible. I was out of control and it took him busting me out to save us and myself.

You are in a tough boat. You have to have a real heart to heart with him. Lay it out on the table what you feel. Do the questionare to find out what needs are being and not being met for both of you by one another.

Have you done any of this yet? Zoey

I will be away from a computer until Monday as well. I am about to leave work in the next 10 minutes. Lightning fried my modem at home and I haven't been able to replace it yet. Thanks for your help so far and I have just begun reading everything and I got the book "Surviving an Affair" Gonna start reading it tonight. Thanks again

Hi
I just wanted to acknowledge that I read your post but there seems to be a lot of missing info. It helps to know background info too. Have you or your husband gone to any counseling? Have you read all the information available on this site?

Without some basic info any answers would be kind of "blind"...but it seems that trust is a major issue in your situation. And you may have real cause to be concerned where your H and his friend are concerned but it's difficult to say for sure.

I'm not sure why you were asked to change your name. Was that by a moderator? So are you posted under your old name?

If you were able to give a little more info, people might be able to give more enlightened answers. Remember, we are all in similar situations and most here are willing to help, at least with opinions and feedback. Sorry you're having to go through this... but the MB site is a great tool to help.

Communication is probably our #1 problem. It always has been for me. My whole family is that way. Working on it really hard. My H and I have been talking more lately. I've tried to talk to him but I guess I'm not conveying my true feelings very well. I feel like I'm guilty. It's all my fault this has happened. Somewhere I went wrong. He tells me that it's not about me it's about his selfishness. But there was something I did. Had to of been. I will do the questionaire this weekend.

Trust is a major issue. There is none. We have not had any counseling but I am working on that part of it. I have been printing all the stuff of from the MB site and taking it home. He has begun reading some of it as well. Thanks for talking to me. I have felt so shutoff and alone. I can't talk to family and friends. I'm gone for now. Will hopefully be back on Monday when I return to work.

Ok I will check on you Monday morning. Please post again on this thread. Tell us how long you have been married, your ages and so forth okay. I know there are lots of good people here that want to help you.

Sorry you felt neglected in your last thread. Sometimes it is hard to help when you don't have alot of info but we are here for you and will help however we can. Don't feel alone okay.

You have friends here
Zoey

Hi,

Sorry for all the hard times. No trust is a big issue. I am kind of new here too. Just keep posting!! Sometimes it takes awhile for you to get answers. But as soon as people get familiar with your story you will get help.

I don't have too much advice. You and your H might want to read His Needs, Her Needs by Harley. Since it sounds like your H at least SAYS he wants to work on your M. This will give him a chance to put action to his words.

Read all you can on this site. Don't be afraid to "BUMP" your post if you get no response. Just add a reply to your post. It will put you to the top again.

I know what it is like to be disrespected by one you have put your whole life into. Now I have learned I need to be strong for me. Start working on YOU. It will give you strength to be equal to any relationship challenges.

Anyway, take care. You WILL get help here. Don't give up.

Sharon

SC4H, You have come to the right place to look for help. The people here are wonderful. We will do all we can to help. Believe me when I say the majority of people on this board have been through what you are now going through. I am going through it as we speak. D-day was a little over a month ago. If I didn't have this site to go to everyday and learn and vent I'm not sure where I'd be. Everyone has been so helpful. You will find the same thing. I am sorry your original post didn't get a response. I am not as good as the others with advice, since I am new to this too, but there is a tremdous amount of advice and support here. Post often. Vent here if you need to, we have broad shoulders and will listen and be there for you.
Most of all take care of yourself and your children. That is the most important thing you can do right now.

I will follow and post whenever I can.

TORO

Hi Still Crazy,

I just wanted to let you know that I'm sorry about the pain you're in right now. It sounds like you have a lot to deal with right now.

Please keep reading and posting here. I've been posting about a month now, and it's helped immensely.

You're not alone in this world. I'm sorry that your first post didn't get much response. People here really want to help each other out and lend their thoughtful insights.

Take care,
H_P

Hi SC4H....Im quite new here myself, but like others have said, most of us are going through this crap and let me tell you , you are among some of the wisest gals (oops and guys)when it comes to MBing. They have sure helped me when i needed it, people here are great...AC0810

Hi SC4H,

I see you have been getting some great responses from everyone.

I will try to check back in on Monday. However, next week is my busy week.

I'm thinking with all you have going on, you should see your Dr., tell him/her what is up. You might need a Anti D' or something. My concern for you comes from the stress of the A, the stress of a new baby and juggling work and everything. The first year of having a baby is the time when the woman's body is trying to recover from the changes of pregancy. Without the proper rest and care, it is harder for the body to adjust.

You might also want to consider IC for yourself.

Good luck. Sorry no one replied to your inital post.

Hi There
It's Monday
Checking on you like I promised.

How was your weekend? SO many people responded to you for which I am thrilled about. See told you there are alot of great people here willing to help.

Just write us a little history of the two of you, that would help us to help you better.

Did you talk to your H at all this weekend about anything. I know you don't have access to this site till you get to work right? So I will check back later today to make sure you are doing okay.

Zoey

Hey guys I'm back. Thanks for all of the posts. It was quite uplifting to return and see so many people. I don't have any friends here and I only have a handful at most dispersed but I can't talk to them. Or I guess I could but it's a dirty little secret. I don't want people knowing that my marriage is on the rocks and that my husband had an A. The few I have told I almost regret because I don't know how to talk to them anymore and even though they don't judge me or him I'm afraid of what they think. Probably sounds crazy. I've always been concerned about what others think. There's so much going on in this web. I probably think the advise to get the Needs book is what we should do. We're somewhat butting heads. He doesn't think we need anyone telling us what we feel or how to fix it. He thinks he knows what to do and he's going to just do it. Actions speak much louder than words and he says he's tired of talking about it over and over and rehashing. Wants to just move on and make our lives better. He's made up his mind that all is over and he wants to fix our marriage. He wants to spend the rest of his life with me. But he still doesn't understand how important it is for him to not have contact with the OW even though he says he had none. I am so emotionally exhausted and physically as well. I want to achieve the happiness we once had. Is that possible? I know where some of everything went wrong and that was shortly after we moved in together. My sex drive plummetted, which was very unusual for me. I for the life of me didn't know what was going on and we weren't communicating at all. He obviously took it hard and thought I just didn't want him and that wasn't the case. I have since found out that I'm not alone in this area either and probably the main culprit for the decline was birth control. Anyway, I wasn't meeting his needs that needed to be met and that's when the saga began. 6 years ago. There may have been many. I don't know. I know of 2. I don't know if he loves me or not. He says he does but he's not one to show emotions much at all so I have a hard time knowing. I have so many questions and unexplainable feelings so forgive me if I start running in circles. I feel like I'm in a whirlwind. Half the time I feel so disconnected.

OK . I don't know about some of the abbreviations or how I'm supposed to post so here's the nitty gritty I guess.

We met 10/'86
Dated off and on until 1993
Started seeing each other solely then (supposedly)
Moved in together in July 1996
Got married 10/16/1998
Had our son 4/25/1999
Shortly after this found out he was supposedly having an A. (Coming from OW) She says they have been involved since August of 1996. He finally admitted to sleeping with her once but says that was it that they have just been friends since.
July 2001 suspect another A
September 2001 First A supposedly had child by my H. Still don't know. He denies everything
February 9, 2002 Had our daughter
April 2002 found out for sure he had A with another W. And supposedly still seeing the first A.
September 2002 kicked him out for two days. Broke down and let him back in. Things have been really good but have back sliding moments. He has been a really good father as of late. I really couldn't ask for much more where they are concerned. But I am not getting any attention. He says he's trying to give me my space. I just want him to wrap his arms around me and love me. That's all I ever wanted. I keep trying to figure out where I went wrong. He says it has nothing to do with me it was all out of selfishness and because he was getting away with it. These women showered him with money and gifts the same way that I used to before kids and such. He says he's not materialistic but he is. Or so I think.

I am 31
H is 33
Son is 3-1/2yrs
Daughter is 8-1/2 months.

We also have a daughter that was born 5/29/1989 that I gave up for adoption. Something I have never really dealt with.