Ok...That helps alot to know more about the two of you. My dear you have so much going on. Have you been to any counseling? You probably have so many buried feelings that were never dealt with to the point that you both crawled into your little corners and lost touch. He found solice elsewhere and you just shut down.

Just thinking out loud here. Other MBrs please chime in. I think first and foremost you should go to a counselor, learn to deal with what you have buried, learn to know who you are again, learn to love yourself again. You can't love anyone or be good for anyone unless you love yourself first, same goes for him. I don't imagine he likes himself very much after what he has done to you and the marriage.

Let me think about this for a little bit. Will get back to you shortly. I'm here for you okay.

Hang in there, Zoey

Forgive me for this but I am beyond broke right now. There is no way for me to afford counseling. I know I need it though. My husband on the other hand refuses to go. He says he doesn't care how much education you have you can't tell him how he's feeling. Some days he'll go but others he's totally against it. I have buried feelings I get that from my dad. We grew up never talking about anything and I have brought that into my marriage. I don't know how to communicate. I'm getting better but still have some major hurdles. I truly believe he feels bad for what he has done and that he doesn't like the person he has become. I don't think he really knows how to deal with all of it so he won't talk now. He's tired of talking he just wants to take action and show me. But in some ways I think that's just sweeping it under the rug. I understand he wants to move on and make our lives better but I haven't even begun to deal with all of this. I have just now become extremely angry and bitter. I do believe I should see about getting anti-d's. I have a family history and with everything that is going on I think I need the edge taken off. I find myself yelling at my 3-1/2 year old all the time now. I don't want to be that kind of person. I am not an angry person in general but I am now. But at the same time I find myself I guess as though I am the WS. I find myself wanting to shower him with things to make things right. I know that's not the right thing but I can't help it. It's as though I want to protest my love for him when really it should be him protesting to me, right? I just want him to love me! Am I foolish? He's a wonderful father. Truly he is. He says he loves me, but does he really? Are we just comfortable because we have been together for so long? I know I don't want anyone else and if the Big D did happen I truly don't see me with anyone else. I think that really scares me too.

No apologies needed. Okay here is my suggestion. How about going to a library and checking out some books in the self help section. It's free and will help you :-)

Second. I'm happy you realize that there are long stemming issues here from perhaps when you were a kid. That is good. You are aware of that. That is excellent because that is often hard for people to admit to.

I'm sure your H is very sorry. I also think he may not know how to deal with it. That is a very human feeling. Its also human to not want to go to a stranger for help, sometimes its not so much the stranger, its admitting we have a problem and need help. That is tough for alot of people to do.

You are not and I repeat you are NOT foolish for wanting your H to love you again, however you cannot force someone to feel something and no amount of $$ or presents will buy that. Please don't spend your money on gifts to win him back. Isn't that what the OM did?? You don't need to do that. You want him to love you for YOU not because what you buy him.

You sound like a wonderful person who is trying so hard and reaching out and I admire that in you. Keep reaching. I'm here as well as others.

Don't think negative or negative things WILL happen. Think positive in terms of "I will give this marraige the best I can give it" . I wil be the best person I can be. I will learn to love myself again. ETC

I think some books on rebuilding self esteem is good. I am going to search for a list of books to help you ok. Be back soon with that list.

Something else. If he says "I love you" just be gracious and say "Thanks, I love you too' Don't ever tell someone that says I love you "Your just saying that or something negative" I don't know if you said that but I'm guessing from how you feel. Just always be very gentle and gracious and accept it. Don't talk yourself into thinking its being said just because. That will make you feel worse but I understand feeling that way stems from loss of confidence and self esteem.

Let me search for some books for you to get from the library.

Be back shortly
Zoey

Something else
Be your best everyday. Even if you don't feel like it, wake up a bit early and do your hair, nails, dress nice, not fancy but make the best of what you have. Find ways to improve anything you don't like. Always fix yourself so that you can look back in the mirror and say.."Woooo Weee..you are one fine looking lady if I say so myself".. :-)

This will make you feel better and you will project more positive thinking.

I'm a fitness nut so I stress how important this can be to recovery and making yourself feel better. It will boosts your spirit. Do you like to workout? Go for a walk, that alone helps not only with stress but to give you more energy that you lack when you are depressed.

Please see the doctor for some medicine. Zolft is not something I think works very good. Too many side effects. Ask for Wellbutrin or Effexor. This are mild, not side effects most times and help you through the tough times. It helps with anxiety and depression. It takes a few weeks to kick in but it works.

Zoey

Thanks!! I needed that. I have been so out there that I have let myself go. I am so tired mentally and physically. Not only dealing with this but my kids and I am still nursing my 8-1/2month old. I am trying to make it to one year. So much added stress. I have come to find out that I am a stress eater. I wish sometimes I was the other way. I have been into fitness before but I truly don't know when I would have the time anymore. My day starts at 5 am as it is and as soon as we get in at 5:30pm my 3 yr old is ready to eat. I guess I could start walking in the evenings once I get him settled and my angel nursed. I feel so much better about myself when I am working out. I have just been so exhausted. I always have good intentions just never do it. And I keep telling myself that I'm going to show him. Thanks for all of your help so far. You have truly been a God Send!!

Oh and I do graciously accept it when he says he loves me just in my head I keep asking if he truly means it. I mean how can he love me and do the things he's done? If nothing else I am guilty of asking him if he loves me but I don't do it in a defensive way. I love him sooooooooooooooooooo much. I feel like a lost puppy. If you know what I mean.

Ok still searching for book.

Please do the workout for Y O U. Look at it as a gift for yourself. No matter how tired you are I promise you the results will start to make you feel like a MILLION dollars. It will build your confidence and your H will see you in another light. He will see you working hard to be a better person, take care of yourself and he will gain a new love/respect for you. You will in turn be so proud of yourself.

Nothing good comes easy. Remember that. No matter how tired you are. Get those sweats and walking shoes on and go. Go for just 20 mins at first then gradually add time. I promise you will feel better.

Talk to you in a bit.

Remember the walk/workout is a daily gift to yourself because YOU ARE WORTH IT.

Zoey

That my friend is the million dollar question

If you love me, how could you??

We may never know but believe me in time you will find peace with that nagging question.

Don't keep asking him if he loves you. That would make me crazy. I know you want to know but let him tell you when he feels it from the heart, not just to answer your question. You want it to be from the heart when he feels it. My advice, don't ask him that ?? alot. Let it go. Know he loves you and be happy when he tells you. Don't keep asking him that. It will make him crazy...

Be back soon
Zoey

I know what you mean about being naive. I never saw any of it coming...my husband also has a child with one of his ONS. I dont have lots of time today just wanted to say hello and let you know youre not alone. MB has been a life saver for me. I had not dealt with any of it prior to my involvement here. The support here is wonderful. Sometime I will write more to you...take care.

ayslyne

Thanks! Everyone has been great here since I got their attention! : ) I just needed someone to talk to to get things out in the open somewhere. I am on a roller coaster today. I was having a really good day this morning and now since I can't find my husband anywhere I am steadily getting angry and all of those ill feelings are surfacing. Wondering where he is who is he with and so forth. I keep telling myself to let go. He's going to do what he's going to do if he's doing it. Quit worrying about him and concentrate on me and the kids. Learn to be without him even though I'm not. Make sense? Am I wrong for this?

Hey there
Sorry for the delay. Had sort of a crazy day myself

Some of the helpful books out, and I think you can find these at the Library are as follows.

Ten Days to Self Esteem
By: David D. Burns

Repairing Your Marriage after His Affair: A Woman's Guide to Hope and Healing
By: Armand DiMele

Healing the Shame that Binds you
By: John Bradshaw

If you cannot locate at the local library in your area, these are fairly inexpensive books to purchase at the bookstore.

I hope this helps you
Zoey

PS. Also check this site when you can. May have some good info. I glanced at it

http://www.more-selfesteem.com/links.htm

There are a ton of links here and perhaps something you can print off and read on your down time.