I've been on edge regarding my progress with WW during the last couple of weeks. We are still seperated.

I had gotten my hopes up and things seemed to be progressing in a good way during the month prior to the last couple of wks. WW and I would talk or email back and forth almost daily. We have to keep in almost constant contact due to working our schedules around our boys schedules. We have a rotating custody type of situation even though we aren't D'ed. WW was also wearing on her wedding finger, a ring that I had made for her for our tenth anniversary. Maybe I read too much into this but it seemed like a good sign. I don't think that I could do something like that if I was dead set on divorce. To the best of my knowledge the involvement with OM had cooled off. During this same optomistic time frame, my wife left the place where the two of them had gotten a job together. I asked her out to the movies one night and she accepted, the next week she asked me to breakfast with her and our boys.

During the last two weeks she seems to have pulled back away again. We've talked less, she is talking a lot with one of the girls that she used to work with, whom I believed had knowledge of the fledgling A and may have even encouraged it. She stopped wearing the ring again. (Because it collects water and soap behind it, her skin will dry out and break out, so she's never been able to keep it on for very long) Last Friday I could have sworn that I saw OM's car driving down the street toward our house, right after I received a call from WW telling me that she would drop off some of boys things the nest day, so I didn't need to come by that day. It just made me think that the call was to divert me away from our house so that I wouldn't be there at the same time OM was coming over. I never confirmed that the car I saw was OM's so my screwed up mind may have read even more into that situation than was fact.

Yesterday (Friday) was her birthday. I really didn't have enough money to buy her anything or do anything special. I asked her to call me when she got off of work (around midnight) last night and that I'd like to take her out for a slice of pie. She called at 10:30 to tell me that it was going to be too busy and that she wouldn't get off until at least 1:30 in the morn and we wouldn't be able to get together. Well my (maybe) overly suspicious mind got the best of me and I set out to find out if she was using this as a way to blow me off so that she could spend time with OM. I haven't confirmed anything, just have had my suspicions that OM is now working with her at her newest job. I was out driving around checking to see if his car was at his home (not), if it was at place where OM and my W were working together, (not), and I was then headed toward our home to see if they were there together. WW calls me on the cell and says, "Where are you", I lied and said at home, why. She said I tried to call you and got no answer. I told her that I was on the other side of the house and didn't hear the phone, but I had cell with me. (This is a real possibility) She seemed ok with that and proceeded to tell me that she had gotten off of work earlier than expected and that we could go ahead and get together. GREAT. Well she listed a place where we could meet. I had already gone out earlier in the day and picked up two pieces of Mud Pie from our favorite restaurant (where she invited me to on our first date 19 yrs ago on her birthday) I went and picked up the pie, a blanket, and a rose and went to meet her. Luckily as I drove up the place she had picked was closing. So I said, that's ok, I have something better in mind. I put her in the car and drove her about a mile away to a pier over the river here. Walked her out to a bench on the end of the pier and gave her the blanket to cover up with. Chilly night last night here, and I knew that she'd be cold with the wind coming off the water. I handed her the rose and then gave her her piece of pie (frozen, so it made things even colder) and we each ate our pie and talked about how her day had been and about her other job that she has been working. After eating she was freezing, so I hugged her to warm her up while she talked a little more. She was facing away from me the whole time. After a while she was ready to go so that she could warm up. I drove her back to her car and she got out and I took her hand and pulled her back into the car to give her a kiss and tell her happy birthday. She took the kiss but didn't reciprocate. And after my trying a second time, just a kiss on the lips, she said "stop" easily and went ahead and got out. She thanked me, but I had turned my head away. I was hurt and probably had tried to push too much, so I was pouting a little. I went ahead and took off at that point.

I was ticked about it. Feeling like she couldn't kiss me because of her loyalty to OM. I drove back by his house again and then by our house again to try and confirm his whereabouts. I never did see his car. I only slept about two hours after this ordeal. Body was tired, but mind would not let it rest.

I did get a call from my attorney today to tell me that my W had responded to the original D petition filed back in August, this week. Faxed me over a copy and it's just pretty much standard stuff. Maybe WW was on edge last night knowing that I'd be receiving a copy of this and also from having to go and talk to legal aid and go throught all of this during this week.

Tell me if I'm looking for way too much too soon? Do I need to expect these ebbs and flows? Am I reading too much negative into what could be nothing? I almost feel like my mind is so messed up right now that I need to confirm if she is working with OM at new job. If so send a letter to OM's wife to bring this whole thing into the light of day, and then move into Plan B so that I can preserve what is left of my sanity. Otherwise my suspicions will continue to get the best of me and I'll be LBing all over the place. Leaving last night like I did probably was a LB in itself.

Thanks for reading my latest novel and thanks in advance for any advice. God Bless

Sounds like she's taken up with OM again or is considering it. As a FWS (now a BS), I remember my own actions. When I thought OM was there & things were going well, I'd start backing off with H too. Then when things weren't quite so rosy with OM, I'd turn to H.

There's nothing you can do except keep to a good Plan A. Unless of course you're ready for Plan B or D. Do one or the other - but don't LB in the meantime! That's not appropriate for any plan!!

Meanwhile, my advice: try not to expect ANYTHING from WW till she makes full commitment to restore M, including NC letter, moving back with you, starting MC. I know it's hard not to expect anything - I do a terrible job of that, easier said than done. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> But if you can, try to take everything she does & says with a healthy dose of salt.

I have a question for you. When will you have enough of her cake-walking? Have you given that any thought? Do you have some deadline or some point at which you'll decide you've got to detach? I'm curious if you've thought it through or just take it one day at a time. As for me, I find if I've got some plan in mind, some deadline, I am much calmer. For example, I've set Oct 31st as my Plan B deadline (for reasons I won't get into here). Knowing that I've set a deadline has kept me from making major LB's or doing something stupid like filing D. I just keep telling myself "Oct 31, Oct 31 - hold on till then. you can do it"

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Biscayne:
<strong>Tell me if I'm looking for way too much too soon? Do I need to expect these ebbs and flows? Am I reading too much negative into what could be nothing? I almost feel like my mind is so messed up right now that I need to confirm if she is working with OM at new job. If so send a letter to OM's wife to bring this whole thing into the light of day, and then move into Plan B so that I can preserve what is left of my sanity. Otherwise my suspicions will continue to get the best of me and I'll be LBing all over the place. Leaving last night like I did probably was a LB in itself.

Thanks for reading my latest novel and thanks in advance for any advice. God Bless</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Biscayne,
CALM DOWN! Ok, thats out of the way. Yes, there will be ebbs and flows. Even though my FWW ended the A, adhered to strict NC, and very quickly realized what she had done, and wanted to restore our M, there were still ebbs and flows on her part. As time goes on, the good starts to outweigh the bad.
Next, though I never had to do it (OM was not married), I believe very much in telling the OPs spouse. First of all, I think it will put pressure on the A, and second, I believe the OPs spouse has a right to know.
Last, until a WS agrees to and sticks to NC, I don't think they are ready to work on the M. Could be time to go to Plan B, until she is ready to commit to NC and your M.
Michael
Me 39
FWW 38
M 18
Two S's
A began Jan 01
D Day Jun 01
In MC

Hi Biscayne,
I think it is an excellent sign that she wanted to be with you on her birthday. I think that it would be best to proceed CAUTIOUSLY in the touches and kisses department and don't push too much for now. She is emotionally DETACHED right now and you can see the result of pushing too hard. Let her come to you.

I do agree that the OM's wife should be told right away. She can put pressure on the A from her end and help bring it to an end.

Hi Biscayne...i agree with melody, back off on the kissing. About 2 months ago, my WH said the same thing to me when i kissed him , "just Stop". He also went as far as saying that when i hugged or kissed him he hated it. So i completly backed off, i even made sure that i didnt brush against him when we passed in the hall. I think that really bothered him. A week ago Friday, he kissed me on his own. take care and god bless..A/C0810

Hi there Biscayne,

I hope I can help you a little this time. You helped me alot when I called for your help and I am feeling very strong again, thanks again.
This shows that you are an indeadly reliable and responsible person.

I agree with what MelodyLane. Your w does seem to be emotionally detached at the moment so I too would just back off abit. Make sure to do things that will make you feel good. Concentrate on "YOU".

I also believe that OW should know immediately what is happening, this will bring changes from the other side.
This might be a blow up at first but once OMW knows what is going on, she can do the steps that she thinks are neccessary.

Please Biscayne, have trust in yourself, you are a great person. Believe in yourself. You have qualities that you can be prowd of. Calm down.
Here where I live we have a saying: You gain your inner strength when you are calm and you loose it when you get broused up. (hope that makes sence)

BTW: I really liked the frozen "mud pie" idea and the idea with the rose and the blanket. Even if she didn't want to kiss you, she will think of this day. It doesn't matter if you didn't have the $$$ for something expensive. You were showing her something that just cannot be payed with any $$$$$.

She definately feels guilt and shame. This is a good sign and believe me the outcome can become positive, otherwise she wouldn't care to spend any time at all with you.

take care
bb