As there's more 'traffic' in this forum, I'm asking if anyone can read my thread in PLAN A/PLAN B called "Advice Needed From All Your Experts Out There".

I have such confusion going on in my mind right now and I'm trying to decide what's the best approach at this time. My brain is just a muddle and I would appreciate input. I find just reading different viewpoints helps me choose the right path for myself.

My last few posts in that thread will explain my confusion.

This morning I woke up early and my mind was just spinning remembering times just months ago where my H was telling me he'd never leave me, we're meant to be together, etc. I think remembering stuff like this is making me unable to let go but at the same time wanting to as he obviously was lying.

Any advice is welcome..thanks!

My 2p is meet your husband tomorrow, do not talk about separation; have a light fun time like in the old days.

Your link:
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=30;t=001443

<small>[ October 19, 2002, 09:15 AM: Message edited by: relate ]</small>

I wish my H was here tomorrow to see me. Unfortunately, he's only here to do outside yard work before the snow starts falling (which, here in Canada is any day now!). He may not even come as the forecast for tomorrow is rain all day. I do hope it doesn't rain though, as it would be nice for the outside to be cleaned up, ready for winter..ie..all the raking done, eaves trough cleaned out, etc., and of course my kids will like helping him. He's been saying he'll come for weeks and finally agreed to do it tomorrow.

If he does come, I'll be at church and then when I get back I plan to just stay indoors and do tidying up in here, unless he wants help (which I know he won't ask for and even if I ask he'll say no). I don't want to just 'hang out' with him out there as he doesn't want to ever 'hang out' with me and so I thought the best strategy would be to just stay inside. I also won't offer dinner as I've done that before and he says no, and it's obviously an LB right now. But, I will definitely be friendly and calm.

Thanks for inputting!

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Well, my H came today to do the yard work. He came quite early so was still here before I left for church. I was pleasant and friendly to him but his face was so long and miserable you could tell that he didn't want to be here. Anyway, he was outside a good hour & half before I left for church and when I left I asked him that if he was still working when I got back, was there anything I could help with. He said no, of course. When I got home from church he was still here and my daughter asked if he could stay for lunch. He said yes, but grudgingly. Anyway, I asked him if he would like tea as he must be cold from being outside all morning (it's really cold here today) and he said yes, that would be nice.

During lunch I was friendly and asked him if he was okay (trying to meet EN's here)today and he said yes, just tired.

After lunch he said thanks and left. I was friendly. That's it. So...I kept all my tears inside until he left, but it's sure hard to keep going with Plan A with no reciprocation. Trying to keep strong and seem happy. I keep waiting for this 'when they see you happy and getting on with your life they get interested' part. It doesn't seem to happening with him yet, that's for sure.

I believe he makes a conscious decision every day to be closed to me. Until he decides otherwise, there's going to be nothing from him.

Kimmy1:

I think you're doing well, keep up the Plan A, we don't know how they feel, remember that.

Even though they do not react to our actions, they feel it. They may not respond, and typically do not, for one reason, they feel guilty, wondering why you would do this for him. Keep it up, he sees it. Stay away from any LB's, etc. Next time you know he may be there for lunch or dinner, make something you know he loves, then maybe mention that you have plenty.

Thanks for the encouraging words. I'm trying to keep up Plan A, but I feel it's not even budging that cold hard rock that's his heart right now (at least towards me..he's very loving to our children).

I had a guy friend tell me today that 'he wished he had someone who loved me as much as I love my H'. Everyone sees what my H doesn't.

It's hard for me to offer things like meals now as since my H moved out of his friends 3 weeks ago, he takes our kids overnight and picks them up right after his work. So, there's very little opportunity to talk to him, let alone have him eat here. Today was an exception and there's nothing planned in the near future that would involve us being here at the same time. So don't know how I'll even be able to possibly meet ENs now. It's been hard the last few weeks, that's for sure.

I had a very depressing day yesterday. The kids were at my H's and I had loads of stuff to do but basically just stayed home and cried all day. Today I had to get stuff done but when one of my close friends called this afternoon I just cried on the phone to her. It's easier coping on the outside after this long, but internally I'm just as devastated as day one. Even more maybe, because the longer he's away the more scared I get that it could be final.

But, my new fulltime job is going well and I'm functioning better, so I guess that's good.

Really appreciate replies to my posts. Helps me tremendously. My immediate family don't live nearby and they want me to start proceedings against my H anyway, especially as he left the kids so easily so they're not supportive of me wanting him still, and my H's family are away all the time and have recently told me that have to support him as he is their son, no matter how upset and shocked they are. So..I have great friends, but this forum is like a 'therapy' family for me and so any input really helps. Thanks for replying.

Okay..so here's my update for today. I had sent an e-mail to my H asking if he could leave instructions how to, or print, for me..some photos of our kids that I want for my desk at work. We have a digital camera and I know how to view, etc., but not how to print.

My H sent back a note saying that he liked the same photos and would like to print some for himself. Said our printer for some reason wasn't working today (he's here in the a.m. as I leave for work at 5:55 a.m. so he comes around 6:00 to be with our kids until they get up for school) so he would send the file to his work and print them there.

I decided to send back an e-mail saying 'yes..those particular photos are really nice'. Then in the same note I made a light-hearted humourous comment about some really ugly but hysterical photos of me that we used to laugh at. He responded back that he couldn't believe I still had those.

So..we exchanged about 4 e-mails in all and I think this is good..BUT..maybe I'm reading too much into them as they were, after all, just two line quick e-mails. However, he didn't need to respond to the last couple at all, but chose too.

Have I broken the rules of Plan A at this point (that being stay cool, don't pursue, etc) or is this okay? I could have kept exchanging notes forever and it was fun but I decided I should stop as then it would seem too 'pushy'. And, do you think I'm reading too much into them? I get so little positive feedback from H that I'm willing to grasp at anything.

And..I'm still frustrated because I keep reading these posts on this site and others that seem to always indicate that if you're friendly to your H, but don't talk relationship, and show them you're happy (on the outside to them at least) and that you're getting on with your life, that all of a sudden they become interested. This isn't happening with my H and I'm just waiting for some interest to spark.

I even got a rose given to me by work last week re good work on a project and I thought he might ask who it was from, but he didn't. My daughter knew but he hasn't asked her, so I figured if anything might spark his interest that would, but that didn't either.

Anyway...would love feedback! Thanks!

Kimmy,
it often takes a very long time for this to work.
Here is some information that may help you learn about plans A and B.
NSR's links to info about plan A and B

I think your friend made a very good observation, you do care about your H. I admire you for what you are doing, I hope it works for both of you.

SS

I think the 'best' plan A is just being his 'friend.' That is EXACTly whet your emails sound like... two friends...

as for the roses... not ALL WSs respond in the same way... you NEVER know what they are thinking... NO ASSUMPTIONS!

"Act As If"

If I had any advice that I would give over and over and over it is to 'act as if' ... you fill in the blank... sometimes belief follows action...

What is it that you need to 'act as if?'

Cali

SS: Thanks for the link info. I went into those posts and read everything. I'm trying my best to continue Plan A!

Cali: When you say 'act as if'...I know that's supposed to be act 'as if your spouse was glad to see you' or 'your spouse still loved you'..etc etc.. am I right? My H and I e-mailed and phoned each other alot when we were together, and I know he enjoyed it. However, during our separation he hasn't wanted to talk to me and our e-mails are really only now to touch base about our kids. I decided not to e-mail about anything else because I started Plan A and was also 'pulling back' to give him the space he obviously wanted.

I thought at one time he would like to be pursued, as he admitted he liked it when we first met and I asked him out after we'd been on a couple of dates instead of waiting for him to ask me again. But, any time I've asked if he'd like to get together or come in to watch a video or whatever, he'd strongly say no, as recently as a week & half ago. So..I don't want to try that again. I guess I'm trying the act as if 'he enjoys talking to me' right now, and guess that's my current strategy. I would love to be affectionate with him. I would love to show affection, but as he's not here I don't have that opportunity to show it, and he doesn't seem interested. It blows my mind how many posts reference sex with their H's who don't live with them any more. I would love that opportunity, as that was always very good between us. But, hard to even try to get to that point if your H doesn't want even a hug or touch from you. I know during one heated phone conversation he said that I didn't care about him, and so that's why I've continued to show I care. But, it seems to be having the opposite affect sometimes..that he wants me to leave him alone (which he also told me just a couple of weeks ago). So..I keep getting mixed messages.

I guess I'll just keep going on. I guess I'm getting impatient for even a little sign, hence my excitement over the e-mails.

Re the rose...my H was never jealous throughout our whole relationship, and so I guess that hasn't changed. But, it would have been nice if he'd have shown some interest. But, yes, he could be thinking about it internally. My H did admit to only one fault about himself when he left me and blamed it 99% on me..that he did not communicate to me, and he should have communicated his concerns to me over the years. So, I'm afraid he's still continuing that way and so he may never say anything to me. But, if I encourage him to talk to me I could LB. So..a dilemma!!

Input appreciated..thanks!

Kimmy,

I am fairly new to this board but I have to say that your determination is admirable. You seem to be doing Plan A quite well.

I know exactly how you feel regarding the apparent lack of progress with your H. I feel the same way. I continue to try Plan A but when we talk, she brings up the R and drags me into it. I need to have the self-control you seem to have and refrain from continuing that conversation.

Hang in there, I understand that it gets better (not soon enough <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> ). At the end of the day, whether you win him back or not you can proudly say to yourself you gave it your all to save the M. Keep your hopes up!

Utterly Confused: Thanks for the encouragement. It's very depressing and discouraging when no interest is happening despite my efforts. I know that I will definitely know in the future that I did my best, even if my H doesn't return. However, I keep trying and keep praying. I know our marriage can be stronger than ever, but more than that I want another chance for our kids.

I just get worried that because there has been no interest, and he seems to not even miss a hug from me, never mind anything else, every day that goes by I get more disheartened. I know I will be a stronger, better person for this, but I still want my H in my life and my kids life, preferably back at home as a family unit.

Well..this afternoon I had to send an H a short e-mail about the kids' schedule for tomorrow. He sent back a 2 word reply.

So much for the fun e-mails yesterday. Just feel down again now. I felt so good yesterday.

Tonight my H goes to a concert, then this weekend he leaves for a 3 day fishing trip with friends (annual thing), then next weekend he's off to a cottage with some other people from work for a 'brainstorming' session re work stuff and one of the guys has offered his cottage. Some women who work in their department will be there too.

With all this 'fun' stuff happening, I just feel like a very small insignificant thing just waiting in the corner very quietly saying "hey...over here" ...

Nothing new. Just a bit depressed today...looking for encouragement.. Thanks.

Still depressed. Got an e-mail today at home for my H. From a company he does some website work for. It was inviting him to a Xmas 'do' in December. Depressing as it's reminding me how fast that season is approaching and how horrible it is not to plan stuff as a couple with him.

I don't know what to tell you. I know your feelings exactly. One day the conversation with my W is pleasant, we are joking, etc, another day she is mean and hurtful. Up and down, very stressful.

Are you seeing a psychologist? How do you feel about anti-depressants?

Remember, one day at a time. This is actually working for me. I wake up, don't plan anything in general, go to work, lunch with friends, evenings are hard, but weekends are even harder. But at the end of the day I am tired and go to sleep quickly.

Trust in God and pray. Go to church. Don't lose hope.

My son is showing me he loves me (even at a distance) and I am filling myself up with his love and it feels good. Can you do the same with your children?

Be patient and know there are other people in the world who love you. Maybe give them a call. Don't neglect them.

I'm just rambling on here because I don't know what advice to give you. I can only tell you what has worked for me, however, I know that's not enough.

Hi Kimmy -- I've been in a funk myself and have thought posting to you in this frame of mind would not be all that helpful.

While I am in plan B because of renewed contact, the only advice I can give you is that it takes time for them to notice changes. Like you I was separated trying to do plan A. It took almost four months post d-day #1 for me to see any encouraging signs from WH. Things got much better in months 5-9 and then the A started up again (they work together). I think for many people on this board, it did take time and they're not all having SF (I know it seems that way sometimes).

You are doing well considering your circumstances. We all have these ups and downs and it can get really hard when the WH basically throws us a crumb (e.g the fun emails) and then dashes expectations by being aloof the following day.

Have you been reading Going Crazy's posts? She did a really long plan A while seperated without much encouragement for a long time from her WH. My story hasn't turned out that way, but I am still hopeful for my marriage. I think you still have love left and can still try what you can of plan A when you see him.

Sorry I don't have advice for you, but I can tell you are down and wanted you to know you are not alone and that what you are trying to do is admirable and good and loving.

Utterly confused: I have been to a therapist, and I went to my doctor's after week one as I knew there was a potential breakdown in the works. I have been blessed in that all of our friends and family have supported me from day one, and a day doesn't go by without the phone ringing from friends seeing how I am or inviting me out.

I'm depressed this past week as it's been 3 & 1/2 months and I do feel at this point that the longer my H shows no interest, the harder it seems it will ever happen.

My children are great and give lots of love. We're all very close that way.

I pray every day and have many people who have also been praying every day, for me and my H. I went back to church last week after a few months away and I thought that was a good step. Again, lots of support.

I just got back from my son's hockey game and of course that means seeing my H. The kids were going to his place tonight and sleeping over. With my son's hockey practices and games, and my daughter's karate classes, we see each other almost every day and so it's especially hard for me as I'm seeing him missing him and wanting him, and there's no feelings back.

I'll just keep plodding along. I do take each day as it comes and by the time I get home from work looking after the kids and getting some household stuff done takes most of the night and then I go to bed early. However, everything I do isn't the same without my H.

Unsureheart: Thanks for your words also. I just keep waiting for something to 'happen'. My H also works with his boss that he had the EA (and hopefully not a PA) with and that doesn't help my feelings as I can imagine they're still very friendly and that's hard. In addition, the lady he shares the house with (platonic) just luckily (not) works on my floor, so I see her every day and know that my husband is living in her house. It's just never far away from me and so always on my mind.

I have read GoingCrazy's posts and the story was very encouraging.

I'll just keep doing my best. Thanks for replying. This forum just keeps me going sometimes as even though we all have friends' support, unless you can relate like everyone here can, it's just not the same.

Thanks to both of you!

When I talk to her on the phone I want to prolong the conversation as much as I can.

After I haven't spoken to her for a few days, I make up a reason to call her. (I am stopping this).

I'm doing things I haven't been able to do before because of the M and family obligations, BUT I want to do those things with her.

I go to sleep to an empty bed and I want to hold her as she always wanted me to.

I desperately want to make love to her passionately, but it can only happen in my mind.

The list can go on and on. It is HIM you want and no one else. The bigger the love you feel for the person who's hurting you, the bigger the pain you feel. What can we do? Hold it in, keep quiet, not try anything.

What are months of deep pain if I win a lifetime of opportunities of being happy with her? Of course, nothing in life is guaranteed (except for death), so those months of deep pain without reconciliation, still don't go to waste, but rather to help shape a better person, no matter how young or old we are.

God bless you and your children (and your H as well). Keep the faith and your hopes up. I am sorry, I don't know what else to tell you.

<small>[ October 25, 2002, 12:04 PM: Message edited by: utterlyconfused ]</small>