I contacted one of the moderators about conducting a search on a particular subject, and when I got the answer I tried to search, but found nothing coming up. So I am turning to the MB forum at large to see if anyone can tell me anything about successful marital recovery when infidelity has occurred in the marriage and it involves homosexuality/bisexuality. Specifically, WH having male "friends" when I, a SAHM, knew nothing about it. For years. I have heard responses before regarding my situation, and am grateful for all the kind advice I've gotten about STD's and all that. I am really wondering if anyone has had experience with this, or knows of anyone who has, in terms of counseling having helped. This is more than my coming to terms with H's sexual issues. It is moral, because I believe homosexuality is wrong. So does WH. (oddly enough) I know this is hugely specific and maybe mo one can help, but I'd appreciate any responses. Thanks so much.

You obviously love your H and want to reconcile your M. However, if your H is gay, then IMO there is nothing you can do to help him. It's all him, and something he has to deal with in IC; to either accept it, or to realize that it is simply just a fantasy.

Take away the sexual relationship with an OP (I hope!), and I can relate to you with an EA version of my H and his 'buddy guy friend'. BGF ended up being just another OP, and took away a LOT of time from my M - by my H's choice, of course.

Being a guy friend, I tried my best to POJA with my H about it, but to no avail. Their 'friendship' was basically an EA, and in order for my H and I to move forward in our healing, it had to end. I actually gave my H the ultimatum of me or BGF, along with a few other ultimatums, in a letter.

H chose our M over this friend... and once he passed the withdrawal symptoms of BGF, our recovery fast-forwarded to a much more fulfilling M.

I know this isn't the same as what you're going through... but as I said, it could be somewhat similar - unless of course there is no EA involved with your H's 'friends'. If it's strictly PA, then I'm afraid I don't have much to offer you, except to share with you that my H went through a curiosity stage during our M. He never did go through with anything physically, but did have the strong urge to see what it would be like to "be" with another man. This was during the first major peak of our marital problems (about 1 yr before our separation, and my knowledge of MB). And he too, is disgusted with homosexuality (you should see him shudder when I mention the thought of 'what would happen if one of our boys was gay' <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> ).

Karen

Thanks, Karen, you've been able to give me some good insights. Also some hope. WH is actually very involved in the sense of EA with several OP of the male persuasion. It's like he never got the kind of attn he needed from father and brothers. I know that's a bit simplistic and not everyone agrees with that need being a part of the H picture, but I know it to be true in my H's case.

Also, I find it interesting that it came to the point where you gave your H an untimatum and he chose you and the M. This is not dissimilar from my situation where I had D papers served in June. The thing is, WH promised we'd do intensive C as well as IC. And he has not kept his word. What to do now? If WH doesn't want to change, I am faced with having to move forward. I am exploring those options now and have some good support from friends, but still, I am overwhelmed. Sometimes quite depressed, too. It's all a bit much.

Thanks for the response.

Hi Asgood, are the kids settled into their new schools and all that?

I think I already told you about the st8spouse network, and some book suggestions. There are therapists who specialize in sexual orientation.
There are groups for women in your position. There is also NARTH. I don't know about the counseling, what would happen if you just made the appointment and told him you're going with or without him?

I do recall as thread started about 6 weeks ago by a man whose WW was having an A with her best friend, who was a woman. Darn, can't remember his name...will think about this and try to remember. He got some very good advice, as I recall.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by asgoodasitgets:
<strong> This is not dissimilar from my situation where I had D papers served in June. The thing is, WH promised we'd do intensive C as well as IC. And he has not kept his word. What to do now?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">How about writing up a contract with your H? That was suggested to me first, before I ended up doing my "ultimatum letter". There are some links to that in a recent thread by nikko (in the recovery forum), entitiled, "help".

One of the most difficult ideas I tried to get across to my H, was that if he wanted to have guy friends, I would only be 'gung ho' about it if it was a guy in a couple. That way I could be friends with the W, and he the H... and we could do 'couple' things together. He had agreed upon that too... eventually <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> ... all part of our POJAing.

I am glad that I was able to give you some hope. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Thank you for telling me that. You've put me in a happy mood. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Karen