Ok, WW flew 1500 miles to be with OM this weekend. She was supposed to have the kids Friday night and be at their soccer games Saturday morning. She called and left a message on my home phone Friday that she wanted to talk to our sons. I didn't return the phone call. I asked a few friends and they agreed that she made a conscious decision to be away from them and should not be able to have her cake and eat it too. Now, my boys have not asked to talk to her. She also called saturday morning before their games and wanted to talk to them. Same thing, she made a decision to be with OM in another state instead of being at their games. Funny thing is, they never even asked about her. They have only asked once in the last 4 days where she is. I obviously, can't tell them the truth, so I've just told them she is out of town for a couple of days. They haven't asked since.
I will probably get a little flak from some here that will say I was "using" the kids against her. But, I didn't do anything to "use" them. I just didn't have them return her call. Also, she has not once in the last three weeks since our seperation called to talk to them while they were with me. This is actually the first time. So just looking if I totally did the wrong thing, or maybe I let her see what her actions are doing instead.

HW

hw:

I may get slammed from others on the 4um about this, but I think this A is "serious enough" now, whatever that means, that your sons deserve 2 be told the truth. Maybe let your WW know that you need 2 tell them, and offer 2 do so with her present, so she can give them "her side of the story." Problem is, she'll want 2 be able 2 continue 2 lie 2 them, which will enable her 2 prolong her fantasy. I don't think that's fair.

In my case, my kids are older than yours. My daughter was told back in March, when I thought I was going 2 give up on our M. My son was told we were "having problems" about the same time, but he hasn't been told the whole truth, at least not by me. He's 15, but he's also a very sensitive, considerate young man, and he loves his mom very much. And so because we started doing better in about April (with some serious dips in the rollercoaster ride through July, however), I've felt it may not be necessary for him 2 know at all.

Time and the TRUTH, and love and consideration, and recognition of OUR own shortcomings as BSs when the A started... ...all these are factors in healing from infidelity. I sometimes get impatient, even now, but one thing that's stuck with me since my session with SH in late July, was when he said "So, you only just found out this year?" I had been thinking that it had been such a LONG time since D-day for me, and was impatient for some breakthrough, that it really jolted me upright when he said that, like it hadn't been all that long. Now, I realize, that because my W's A has spanned 12 years now (thought thankfully it was mostly an email EA, even now, 9 months after D-day, it hasn't been all that long. *I* have a lot of learning and healing of my own 2 do, so that I can be helpful in my W's healing. I'm willing 2 do that for a while longer, mainly because I think we're making real progress. In so doing, though, I've been surprised at how screwed up *I* have been all these years.

Growing up has been fun.

hw she's probably feeling guilty in not being with them and was trying to diminish the guilt by talking to them by giving them the 'mommy loves both of you very much' speech.

Since nobody was home when she called, you did not prevent her and the boys from talking to each other. It is not your job to bend over backwards by returning her call just to make her 'job' easier.

Something tells me that her trip to see OM is definetely marred by her feelings of guilt towards her children. It's one thing for her to consider herself divorced from you, it's totally another to act like she divorced her children by indulging in her selfish actions. She may beleive that her A with OM did not cause the breakup of the M but she knows that her A with OM will breakup the family.

Even though you did not get a chance to give her a plan B letter, you can still BE in plan B.