my husband denies having affairs with other women, but I have seen and heard things that would prove otherwise. But I want to believe him and I allow him to talk his way out of being up front with me. He has agreed that we need to work on our marriage (that was after I confronted him about OW) but nothing has taken form and we have not talked since that first day. (that was a week ago)

I really do think that there was an A and sometimes I find myself acting depressed because I think about what happened.

What do you do and how do you rebuild when H does not admit A and there is strong evidence to prove otherwise? AND he continues to lock his cell phone and hide is pager?

I am at wits end trying to figure out what to do.

Hi Ebah,

From what I have seen on these boards, it is VERY common for the WS to deny an affair, over and over and even in the face of irrefutable evidence. Why? Because they want their cake and eat it too. If YOU know for sure, something will have to be done about it, and so they lie.

If it looks like a duck, walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, it is a duck. Forget trying to get him to confess for now, take it as a given, and start Plan A. When you need to let off steam, come here and tell us...we are much better at listening than cheating spouses!

Love and light,

Jacky

Yes, I can say that we men will lie (women do to). Anyway speaking from experience, my wife new with the evidence.......I left a reciept for flowers in the house...........she never got them. I made a stupid excuse that cashier must have hit wrong button and I overpaid.......yeah right.

She had PROOF (lots) but I lied. I felt I had to as I could lose my family . 1 month EA ended (by me) prior to evidence. Thought it was over. Realized I behaved like 17 year old. Love my wife..needed to get closer.

But, everytime we argue she brought it up. For 1 year I did this. I finally came clean, but we are now separated and she is seeking a divorce. She is a one chance----no trust left woman. Of course other things in marriage were poor to. If roles were reversed I would give her a chance. But you know what? I feel better having come clean and asking God for forgiveness. I must have destroyed my wife with this. All the pain I caused her by not coming clean. If I had another chance I would tell her immediately.

Why do we lie? We are scared of a WOMAN SCORNED. We liked the adventure, but afraid of consequences. We don't think of how bad consequences might be in the beginning.....we won't get caught right? Too smart! WRONG WRONG WRONG!!!!

Give him an ultimatum! I wish my wife had done that. Tell me the truth right now or I am going to talk to a lawyer. MEAN IT. Tough Love. Let him know that you can deal with it and are willing to work on marriage if he tells the truth. If not he is in charge of his own destiny. When he comes clean......give him some respect......schedule counseling (Promarriage). Don't try to solve on your own......we did....bad mistake.

And unlike my wife right now. Learn to FORGIVE....trust can be rebuilt.......find out why he did it. There has to be a need you might not be meeting. You will never forget, but with happy times ahead it will be placed deep in memory. If you don't forgive you will turn bitter and consume yourself.

Just my reflection from experience.......good luck

Thanks J, I am in plan A, and am reading some of Dr.H's books. I am trying to stick this out, and at times think my H is sincere, but can get around thinking that he is telling me half truths and and what I want to hear to keep me around. I am sure it is some of both. I will definely come here, I have been here for a while, posting every now and then.

Alan,
Thanks for the other side. I guess that I what I needed, althought sometimes I am not so sure. Knowing my H he will not bend and tell me the truth, he even told me that if he was cheating I would never find out (I know better, the truth always comes out). So...I don't know, I pray that he will see what he is doing to me/us and come out of his fog before it is too late.

I have forgiven him, and he knows that and try not to throw things I have found out in his face, but sometimes I do slip.

Forgiveness is something I am working on, I have tried, but those images and words keep poping in my head. I am hopeing that one day I will be able to forgive and we will come out on top in our marraige, but at the same time, I will not be a doormat NOR will I share my H.

Thanks for listening!

Question.........Why have you forgiven him? Sounds like guilt.

My wife knew over a year ago.......I finally told the truth. She still hasn't forgiven me.

I don't think he has EARNED the right to be forgiven by you. He lies to you because he doesn't feel the heat. Show him some tough love.

That's great you can forgive, but don't do it so easily. When he tells the truth then you can work on that forgiveness. Then when you two RESOLVE the issue then try NOT TO bring it into any futeure arguments. Rebuild the trust in your relationship.

Just my perspective.

Ebah,

It is way too soon for forgiveness. He has not admitted his wrongdoing and changed his ways. That must be a condition for forgiveness otherwise it is meaningless. It is imperative that he come clean with you, however, you can't force someone to tell you what they don't want to tell you.

I will tell you that his withholding this information from you is almost as cruel and manipulative as the affair itself. I don't think he understands that.

You all are probably right, it probably is too soon to have forgiven him, and alan, i am sure it is because of guilt or maybe...you know I really don't know.

I am trying so hard right now and want to think that he is too. not to justify any of his actions, but there are certain things that have gotten better, like him calling when his is out and coming home when he says he is. So I guess things are improving slowly, but still there is not an acceptable "excuse" for this things I have found.
Are is action just a way to pacify me until he can get back at whatever it is he was doing, or is this actual progress??? I really don't know. I appreciate the feedback, but is seems the more I read the more confused I get.

Unfortunately, he knows how I have gotten my information about the A and hides everything (although I think in time I can still find out what is going on if anything).

I am in the process of working on me and plan A, I am also seeing an IC.

Alan, as for the tough love, that is coming, I do have a plan, he has one more chance to prove to me that he is doing what he says, NC, and meeting some of my needs as I am meeting his...but plan B right now could be a little difficult as I am 5 month pregnant. So right now I have to be strategic about things, I cant (don't have the $$) to leave.

Thanks for the feedback on the forgiveness, I am sure you are right, and deep down I know that too...but what do I do. I am do confused about this whole thing and really don't know what to do to get my H back or to make him stop...any advice is welcome and greatly appreciated.