Picked younger son up from ws today, and son was saying he wanted to bring his scooter home.... they were out in the front yard when I got there.... dad sd no leave it here... I sd , we are going to bring it home, it belongs at home... it was a gift from my parents... I feel that ws needs have his own toys for kids and not take ours... he seems to just want to tak e stuff over there.

ANyway had made my h's fav. key lime pie and I sd here , I made this for you... and tried to give him the pie = he was angry about the scooter and me wanteing to take it home...

so he refused my pie, I set it down and sd I will just leave it here.. then he got mad and sd I will throw it away. Anyway, I picked i t up and it is here in the fridge now for us to enjoy. tears welled up in my eyes as I drove off, and my son started to scream at me not to cry. I stopped the tears from flowing and composed myself. I did not say anything mean to him, except please take the pie.. and I guess my scooter comments.. it is time for it to come home and it was a gift from my parents werwe lbs to him... but I cant always play into his hand....

I picked it upa nd left with scooter in trunk. Not too pleasant of an interaction. I am hurt.

He called yesterday evening kind of late.. wanting me and oson that ws here with me to meet him and 4 yr old on cold wet night to go to haunted woods...

I sd well he (younger son) is prob. too young for that and he is just getting over a cold and cough... plus ws was wanting me to pay... ugh. So I sd no, lets just not do that tonight...

Friday and thurs we had eaten lunch togetrhr and it had gone fairly well with some lbs. Now I feel he is seeing me as controlling and angry. I really felt my sons scooter belongs at home, it has been inadvertently left over there prob. for 6 or more months and I am just tired of that.

ANyway... assertiveness is ok, right. PLeasant boundaries..
its just hard to make him happy.. maybe he was drinking, who knows?
Thanks for input , feedback.

HOney <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

((((Honey))))

I don't see anything wrong with taking the scooter home, after all, it is your son's and he spends most of his time with you!!

the question is, do you feel like you LB'd?? I think there are many ways to set your boundaries and beliefs but still do it in a kind and loving way. The tone of our voice and actions are everything, where sometimes the words don't even matter.

Your’s husband wants to live on his own and be a big boy? You are right he needs to provide for his son when at his house. It is ok for your son to take stuff back and forth that he was to. But for the most part dad needs to provide. Get two copies of Mom's House, Dad's House: Making Two Homes for Your Child. Give one to your h. Maybe it’ll give him a little bit more of a picture into reality.

As for the pie… sorry but your H acts like a jerk much of the time. This was to ‘punish you’. You could have just left the pie there. With you out of site, he’d probably have eaten the pie. Just don’t do him any more favors and/or ‘nice’ things. And you let these things get to you too much. If you did not he’d be less likely to do them.

It is not a LB for you to set boundaries. The toys that were gifts from your family stay at your home. If it upset’s H, it’s of his own creation.

He called yesterday evening kind of late.. wanting me and oson that ws here with me to meet him and 4 yr old on cold wet night to go to haunted woods...

”PLeasant boundaries.. are good. Firm boundaries are also good.

its just hard to make him happy.. maybe he was drinking, who knows?

You cannot make him happy. As long as you try jumping through his hoops this kind of game will continue. And don’t try guessing his motive or the cause of his bad behavior. He was way out of line.. drinking or not.

As going-crazy says.. the tone if often the difference between a LB and not-a lb. But don't worry you are learning... just state these things camly...

You've gotten good advice already but I wanted to add something about boundaries.

I believe boundaries need to be firmly set in order for them to be taken seriously. Remember back when your in-laws sent your son a book and they sent it to your H's address? You were upset and I'm sure your H knew that. Now you are saying "MY parents sent this as a gift and so it should stay at MY house". Your H is probably confused.

I believe that major things, bikes, scooters etc. should be transported with the children. After all the child should be able to enjoy their things whomever they are with. I also believe that if your H plans to maintain a separate residence, then it's his place to provide other play things, clothes etc.

I don't think you LB'ed. I just think you need to set clearer boundaries.

As far as the pie, I wouldn't do anything nice for him until he starts showing some respect for you as a person and starts living up to his responsibility to support his children.

Honey,

The problem can be not that you set limits or such...but that you then power struggle over them....
You are in control of your actions only...telling him you will throw it away...is a two year old reaction....tell him instead..I really thought you would enjoy this pie...but if not then I can just take it home...maybe next time...

(don't get defensive....just pointing out where you must stop yourself....)...and your reaction hurts you in the end because he will use YOUR actions as the exact example of how you are this or that....DO NOT hand him a loaded weapon...that is my objection to you reacting to...NOT denying you are entitled to feel all those things...but at this point in the game...they are huge setbacks and get you nowhere....and the heck with them being LB's...that's not the point..the point his he turns them on you....it's not a LB in a sense that you hurt him...

Set the boundaries but do not power struggle...say I am taking the scooter home for a while for him to play with there...perhaps next time you come over...you can take it back with you..if son agrees to...the end....

Weigh your words carefully before you speak them...and I know this is stressfull and tiresome...but it will help you in the end...and will teach you to change you...

good luck
ARK

Thanks for everyone's advice.

Ark.. just so you know.. my h is the one saying he would throw it away if I just left it there... so I took it home... I sd OK, will just take it home then, OK?

I do think my tone could of been a bit nicer. H says in later conversation I should of asked if it was Ok to take it home. I do feel that asking to take something that belongs at our house.. My house is a bit out of line. He will try to take everytbing for his house in his state of mind.

I know about his parents and their gifts... ugh.
His parents don't really care about him or our kids anyway. The scooter amounts to more than his parents have given in several yrs.... My parents are availalbe in many other ways.

Son wanted to bring scooter home, first ws sd no, it stays here.

So I sd, it will come home. Guess I was usurping his authority.

At this point dont know what to do with him.. No more pies for now.

His attitude is basically he wants me to do as he pleases or there is no chance. Well, I have some boundaries.. and his keeping stuff that belongs at our home is one. Sorry if that menas we can't work it out.

I know I could of possibly been nicer. Will try in the future to be my best self and ask a little kinder , instead of telling him what is going to happen ....

Anyway, I appreciate the feedback. WIll ck out the link zorweb.

Thanks, HONEY

Honey - I don't think that you lb'd if anything I think you should stop trying to kiss his butt and stop trying to make him happy - Why don't you think about yourself for a change - Like everyone says you cannot control him only yourself - and we all know that you cannot change him - I mean if your son wanted to take home the scooter - Maybe you should have said well ok Jim why don't we let him take it home and then we can bring it back next time... Instead of NO we are taking it home my mother bought it it should be at my house... Then maybe you wouldn't have felt so bad and cried - I can only imagine that your son felt bad for you and probably really mad at his dad for making you cry... You need to be happy without him - let him think you can live on your own - make him think that you don't want him and see what kind of results you get ??? Let him call you, let him make plans to include you - let him do it all - let him think that he is the one in charge.....