It's been over 3 weeks since I revealed my A to my H. (It was one weekend "fling" with email contact prior and after). I am truly remorseful and right after telling H of A, sent a no contact letter with copy to H.

We are waiting for MC appointment and some of Dr. H's books. We've been reading a bunch of other books on surviving an A. Many of you warned me about the roller coaster ride and it's all true.

My eyes are again sore from crying, from the pain I caused and from the regret. I have asked God to forgive me and I know he has. My H said that if God has forgiven me, he can too, but I know it takes time. Some books say time and God can heal. I have a strong faith in Christ and my H is Christian also although he doesn't go to church.

My question is: My H said he can forgive somehow, but he can't get the image of the OM with me out of his head. He tries but it keeps coming back to him. Does anyone have advice on how to help my H with this? I would be grateful for any BS's comments/insights. Also, we are trying to move on slowly with our M, but H feels compelled to ask more questions about A. I answer them and explained that if it will help our M, I will keep talking about the A. I also told him that each time I have to speak about the A it's like getting flogged. I understand he needs to discuss it and I am willing to bear the pain. It's nothing compared to the pain he must be feeling. Can anyone tell me how talking about the A makes things better? I have the typical response that I want to make the A go away. I feel nothing for the OM. The feelings I have now are disgust for what I did, not anything happy.

In the meantime we wait for our MC appointment, but the last day was really tough for my H and me. Any encouragement or advice is greatly appreciated. I want so badly to help my H and our M.

Fortunately and unfortunately, time and God are the healing answers in this situation. Your husband, like myself, has experienced a very traumatic event in his life. My nightmare took place over a year ago and I found that time and prayer really did deminish the scenes (I call them flashbacks) of my wife with another man. In my situation though it took my wife practically a year to really start feeling sorry for what she did. I still don't think she's really felt the brunt of it yet but the little she does feel is a start. Believe me, you are on the right track with your feelings about the affair and your willingness to reconcile your marriage. Your husband needs to find something to do to fill in for the times he is experiencing his "flashbacks". Time and God will heal. The unfortunate part of the process is being patient because our timetable and God's timetable are on two separate agendas.
The memory may take years to go away. Just be as positive and loving towards each other as you can. You guys can beat it but it's better if you work as a team, not individuals. Believe me. I have learned this the hard way.

Best wishes and I'll keep you in my prayers.

Hi Krissee,

I am a BS and it has been roughly 2 years since my wife's EA/PA. Hers was also a fling. One time, nothing else since. Sounds alot like you. It took her some time though to be remorseful, regretful and so on. We only now just started these last couple of months to work on the marriage. So far a great recovery. I have to deal with more "baggage" than anything else.

As for your husband. Time and patience. Have you suggested that he come here? Just a thought. I know that many BS's get great advice and comfort knowing what is happening to them is normal and may get to ask us "how" to get by situations.

These flashbacks he is going through are not fun. I still have them. I wonder if they ever go away. I can tell you that the hurt is softened quite a bit. I don't get angry, hurt and so on over this time. There are things that will trigger what happened. I don't know how graphic your husband is asking or how bad the A was for this weekend with you and the OM, but he does need to talk about it.

I have discussed this with my wife, that when I am having a bad day that I would be honest and tell her why, and that it may very well be because of images in my mind or triggers. She agreed to be there for me and help me as much as she could. I still ask questions about the A. Not as much, but every now and then will ask. You just have to keep open and be as honest as you can with him. I would caution you saying "if this will help the marriage" to him. Know that what he is going through is normal. For that trust and honesty to be built back up, as tough as it is for you, you must do it. My wife said and felt the same things you are feeling now. She felt I was punishing her for bringing it back up. Unfortunately there is the saying, "reap what you sow". I'm not saying this to be mean, but my wife brought this to my attention when I would ask her about the A. She finally understood what I was going through and would help as much as she could.

Well, I hope this helps. Keep us updated!

Jetes: thanks for your reply. Your words were very encouraging. I know it will take time and I guess I can't erase the "flashbacks" from my H's mind. I know the remorse and regret I show help. H and I have such strong love for each other. It is so deep and emotional that I feel it will bond us together through this. I'm sorry that your W did not show the same outward remorse to you. That must have been even more painful and you are a strong person for hanging in there and getting this far. I only hope we can be strong too. I will pass your words of encouragement on to my H. He will be thankful. God bless you.

Krissee

I too was the WS, and my H told me he too had the painful images flashing through his mind. The wise people on this board told me that I cannot stop the pain my H feels, and I know how hard it is for you to talk about the A. For me, I didn't even want to think about OM, let alone have to talk about him.

As Just Learning has said to me over and over, Time and Patience. It is still very early days for both of you. For me and my H it is now over 3 months since d-day, and only in the last week or 2 has there been real signs of improvement.

It is a hard lesson to learn, but stay strong and honest, and you'll be able to come out the other side. Above all, try not to beat yourself up too much. This has been crippling for me, and only now is it beginning to feel slightly better.

Keep posting here, keep strong.

Lisa

to Worth It. Thank you for your reply because I really needed that right now. H and I were scared last night. Scared of everything that has happened and what is yet to come. I am amazed also at your patience and bravery for getting this far and your commitment to your M. This shows me that we too have a chance.

Based on what you've said I will try to continue to answer all questions my H has. The hurt for my H is so deep and each time it's painful for me to discuss I know it's a thousand times more painful for him.

You've helped me to understand. Thank you.

Krissee,

Thanks for your well wishes for my recovering marriage. I just wanted to reply to you again to say that you made a very bad mistake in your life but your immediate reaction to own up to it and heartfelt sorrow has already put you and your husband on the track to full recovery. I commend you for your strength of character. They (all the books, tapes, counselors, etc.) say that a reconciled marriage after an affair is a stronger relationship than a husband and wife will ever experience. But you have to do it right. I was once given an piece of advice that
has done wonders for me. That advice was to be a "giver" in the relationship no matter what. And when you can come to a point in your marriage where both of you are givers, the result will be true happiness and a rock solid relationship.

to: Lisa in L and Jetes. Again, your words have been encouraging. Thanks Lisa for your point of view. I too feel quite the same and will try not to be so hard on myself. Jetes - I loved your giver comment. I will try to remember that. One more question - did any of you feel it important for BS to contact OM? My H wants to but it's hard to do b/c OM is out of our state. Also, doesn't this spoil the no contact arrangement. I will never speak to OM again. I know that. Also, I never spoke to OM on the phone. Our contact was through email. I understand my H's need to want to speak to him, but I object as I will find this too painful. I don't want OM to have any involvement ever again in our lives. I feel very strongly about this.

Krissee,

You will find that the questions keep coming for quite awhile. You two are still very early into the recovery. One thing that might help is to have him write the questions down and give them to you. Then set aside a period of time to address them. That way he can more clearly formulate his questions. You can more adequately answer them, and setting aside sometime keeps this all from completely taking over everything.

Perhaps initially, it is an hour every night, then gradually it becomes a hour or two every 4 or 5 nights. You two set the schedule. THe point is that you two and take some control over this situation by organizing certain things. It must be with in the POJA, but gradually you will come to realize that you and he are on the same side. As much as you hate the questions he needs to know the answers to evaluate himself. Strange isn't it? He needs to ask not to evaluate you but himself. It has been posted here many times.

You will hear the questions for a long time as the other posters have said, but if you come to realize that this is how things heal, not how they come apart, I think you will not be as bothered about them.

I sort of look at this in sort of the old football dictum. You are not in trouble when the football coach is yelling at you, you are in trouble when he STOPS yelling at you. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Your H asking questions and struggling is a good thing. He still wants to make this work and he is working on it.

You two are doing very well for only 3 weeks as you can see from the other posts. So, it is the old "time and patience" thing for you two. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

God Bless,

JL

Sorry to report, but 3 weeks is 'nothing' as far as healing from an affair goes. It took me about 18 mos to feel better after what I thought was my H's EA. He lied, it was physical (with my former best friend) but they lied about it for 6 years. So I had to start the healing, forgiving, all over again. I've read it usually takes 2 years, but is faster with one night stands.

The article "Shattered Vows" at findarticles.com will explain to you why your H needs details. Also the book Torn Asunder is the best I have read. Our MC liked it so much she bought it for her practice.

I am very happy that your H is willing to work on your marriage. Good luck, keep posting

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I also told him that each time I have to speak about the A it's like getting flogged. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is one of the main reasons Harley's advice is not to talk about it much. Because when you feel like you are getting flogged, it is draining your Love Bank, not filling it, and to have a good marriage, you need to BOTH have a full Love Bank. You need to be honest with your H about how much and how it hurts you to discuss this. It gives him a window into your remorse, and he will see, eventually, that the damage done is not worth the "benefit" he gets. Part of the problem is that he really can't help thinking about it right now. Time will help, but three weeks is not very long on the affair recovery time scale. Think in months and years. That said, I am optimistic you two will be way ahead of some of the other posters. The immediate confession and remorse you have shown usually accellerates the recovery timetable quite a bit, and a fling is not as bad as a long-term or multiple affairs, in terms of how long recovery takes. My wife had a three year affair and we are both doing pretty well at the one year mark. Dday was an out-of-the-blue confession on her part, and that really helped, as did me getting back to my spriritual roots. You might want to POJA about becoming part of a good church.

It is quite possible that he really is doing it, at least partly, to punish you. It is a natural reaction to hurt someone who has hurt you, but it does not help the recovery process. As a BS, I found "The Art of Forgiving" by Smedes helped me to let go of my anger and desire for revenge. Our MC encouraged us to limit the amount of time we spent discussing the A vs. other things, and although I felt at the time it slowed our recovery, I am not at all sure of that now.

Hi Krissee,

I guess your husband asking to speak with the OM is a tough one. I have read many responses to the pros and cons of this one. Me, being the BS, I can only speak for myself, I still want to contact the OM. I know who he is, where he is and could probably get his phone number without a probelm.

Problem is I have a hard time with two halves. One half(which was the early person) is the husband, macho, testosterone guy who wants to yell at him, smack him, and such. The other half(now), what has grown lately, of pity, sorrow and maybe a forgiveness of sorts. The OM basically used my wife - not counting what she did, but got what he wanted. I guess I want to see myself later on in life - as someone who has more honor, character and integrity to address him. I don't want to lower myself to him.

Again, have you talked to your husband about coming here to maybe ask or deal with problems he may be running into?

I think you are right in the calling OM issue. I remember how bad I wanted to call the OM in my situation. He was in another state also. It took just about everything I had to keep from calling him. One day, several months after the incident, a situation came up where I felt I needed to call. I spoke to him, told him how I felt, and even told him I pray he gets his life straightened out so he doesn't keep messing up other people's lives with his selfishness. After the call I didn't really feel any better and it actually brought back some memories that were better off where they were - in a closet.
That was a phone call that I could have lived without. But I do understand your husband feeling like he needs to call OM. Being a betrayed spouse is a very tough situation to be in. There is a lot of pride to swallow and it doesn't go down easy. My suggestion to your husband is to swallow hard. It will go down easier since he has a remorseful wife who is willing to make things right.

All of your words have helped. I will mention to him about posting here to my H. It may help as it has helped me tremendously. Thank you for your responses again. First, I will find the books you have suggested. Reading has helped us both. Second, I will suggest writing down the questions. Yes, we also do need to talk about something other than this A. It's very draining. H could be trying to subconsciously "punish" me. I did feel slightly sad/hurt/resentful over his questions last night so I think there was some LBing going on.

My H said today that he's sorry for seeing me break down again with such a huge amount of tears. My eyes were so swollen and red I thought I wouldn't be able to work today. Very little sleep for either of us also. We need to rest and no be so hard on ourselves. Thank you for making me realize that this is a "new" discovery and we need lots of time to heal. We are both so scared. I was scared that he would not want me anymore even though he told me he does, but it almost seemed as though he changed his mind last night so that scared me. I told my H that he can begin to trust me, that I do not take lightly the vow we made to God when we became married, that I am commited to this M and I will not give up. I also know that he has a choice to end this M. That scares me, but I will pray.

I also agree that I could see my H down the road not wanting to contact OM. I see my H as a man with dignity and strong character, one who would not stoop to fighting or name calling toward the OM. I am not trying to protect OM, just our M. I do not want to give OM the benefit of knowing how we are doing with our M. Yes, we are doing extremely well. My H is so loving today and wants to take me away on a vacation this winter. I told him I would love to go anywhere - as long as I can be with him.

I too feel I was used by OM. He got what he wanted - I got nothing. So, our M was violated. I am not trying to act like I was victimized but as time goes on I feel quite angry at the terrible choice I made - that I was so foolish and desperate. There is no pleasure in remembering how I acted. I have told my H this. I will keep posting. Thank you again for your kind help.

Hi Krissee,

Wonderful post! Keep up the good work!

K: Just heard Harley on the radio today. He said actually that talking about it is good, but you should only have to answer a question once. In other words, answer all questions, but don't let your spouse beat you with the same question over and over again.

Hope that helps.

I want you all to know that your words of encouragement and advice are helping each day. I am putting into practise alot of what is suggested and it seems to be producing positive results.

As an update, I suggested to my H that any further questions about the A be directed to me in written form. I explained that it is too painful and about the feeling flogged experience each time he questions me about it. He agreed and apologized for putting me through all the questioning. I had felt extremely worn out and a little sad over the questioning and I opened up to my H about this last night. He understands and said he never wants to see me that sad again. The written questions will allow us to have a little happier times and reserve discussing the A at certain times only.

I explained that I was feeling that if I was the slightest bit happy that I thought he would be questioning me again shortly after b/c perhaps he felt I didn't deserve to experience any happiness. He understood my concern and said we will try to find time to have a little fun. I was grateful and happy to know he's trying so hard and being understanding of my feelings.

We held each other close and prayed and today he said he feels stronger and that the prayer helped. My heart is slightly lifted today along with my outlook. He said he feels the same.

We are both looking forward to more happy times and a little less despair in the days/weeks ahead. We also understand that this is still new to us so we're going to try to be patient.

H has read much material now on this website and he finds it helpful. Still waiting for Dr. H's books to arrive. I shared your responses with my H and he appreciated the views of all.

Again, thank you. You are all really making a difference and I want you to know how appreciative we are. I'll update you soon (hopefully with good news).

Thanks for the update. Sounds like you and your H are doing great in this situation. Tell your H that he may experience bad thoughts and flashbacks for a while but he is very fortunate that he has a wife who is trying so hard to make things right. And with that advantage he is way farther along at three weeks than a lot of us here on MB.
You guys are going to make it and that is very encouraging.

Jetes

Krissee--

I don't post a whole lot here anymore but really wanted to jump in on your post with a little advice and a lot of encouragement...

1. You are only a few weeks from D-day so please don't get discouraged at where this process takes you...You are both doing great---GREAT---and both doing what you need to do. Your H is processing all this and that's what he needs to do and you are answering his questions...painful but necessary.

2. The one thing I would suggest is maybe get with your counselor and let her/him decide how to handle all the questions...it might make sense that those be part of counseling sessions when you have a third party to help you through them.

Your H has a lot to deal with and I can tell that you love him and want to help him thru this and you are doing GREAT...but some of this he has to process on his own...it is so easy to say that time and patience will help but they truly will if you are both committed to each other and it sounds as though you are...

One step at a time...keep doing what you are doing and you will be fine...really!

E