As I start a new week after an OK weekend, I realize how much this has changed me as a person. I am a BS and my WW and I are in some kind of recovery, and there are times when this makes me happy. But over all I would say that I am a different person from all of this. I have had some positive changes and some negative changes and I am wondering if anyone else has felt this way. On the positive side, I believe this has taught me how to give unconditional love and to never take for granted any one or thing if my life. I believe I am more considerate and understanding in terms of being in a relationship then I have ever been. All of this is good, and I am thankful for it. On the negative side, I trust no one anymore and I feel no one will ever give me the respect I deserve. I feel like I was a complete fool for ever trusting anyone ever and I may never be able to truly trust again. Odd isn't it that I feel I can give unconditional love but not trust.
I have a complete lack of confidence in myself when it come to SF. I feel used and second best. I feel more alone than I have ever felt, and I feel I can count on no one or nothing in my life. I know all of these thing seem to be impossible to feel at the same time, but I do. Deep down even though I don't want to, I doubt my M will last and I always spend every minute waiting for everything to come crashing down again. No matter how hard I try, I can't shake that feeling. Please don't tell me how much counseling can help, because I think it's a waste of time and most of them are frauds and cause more harm than good. I know this is a troubled sounding rant, but I am curious to see how other feel. Do you share any of these feelings?

I feel lots of those things and more. Trust is the number one thing for me. I trust no one now. I don't know if I ever will. I love my WS so much and very much unconditionally but I do not trust him. I feel very much less of a W. What did I do to deserve this? I was very lacking in self confidence and now I have even less. I gave him my all and look what it got me. I am like you and keep waiting for my world to come crashing down around me, if that's possible. I feel like it's in ruins. I know where you're coming from in questioning how can you actually feel all those feelings at the same time when they truly conflict one another

Mark & Still--There was a time my thoughts were much the same as your posts.

From much farther down the road, 2 1/2 years of recovery, other than my habit of hanging out here on MB, I feel that the positive changes have stayed with me and the negatives are faded.

Postive--I'm more compassionate, I don't anger or frustrate as easily and when I do, I handle it better. I love my husband, I respect him for the changes he has made and the effort he has put forth to make our marriage work. He stands strong. I know he could make bad decisions, but now it would surprise me if he did. I trust he won't. He's re-earned my trust.

I don't feel like second choice because I know I am his best choice. If we continue to take care of each other like we are, we'll have a long satisfying marriage. At 19+ years of marriage, the 2-3 bad years aren't very much of the whole.

I think the only lingering sadness is that it had to get so bad before we both realized that our marriage could be better, that I didn't know how depressed and apart my H felt. But knowing that we both made a conscious choice to rebuild our marriage, when we could easily have continued the divorce proceedings is good.

When my husband says I'm a wonderful woman...I believe him. When I call him sweetheart, I mean it. I love having my husband with me, I love having my family together & restored.

Mark our first counselor was lousy, ineffective, inept, more depressed than we were and off on his own tangent. Our second counselor, a Christian, ordained pastor in a counseling ministry was wonderful. We both saw him for IC and MC. I credit him along with MB for the skills to rebuild not only our marriage, but restoring our sense of ourselves as people doing the right thing.

Just wanted to say that i am definitly different than i was. I always thought that i would bail. That love wasn't worth it, because that kind of love isn't really love anyway. Anyway positive changes. I am no longer afraid of being alone. Negative changes. I think that i have less faith in my ability to stick with hard decisions. Confused, so am i how in the world did i stay with WH, I really feel like i let myself down, and don't know that five years down the road i will feel any differnently. I am still married to a man, that probably respects me less than before, and i definitly respect myself less for letting my situation turn into a life style.

Mark H ,

this is something I have asked myself many times. This is also something my H has told me many times.
I have definately changed.
The changes I have noticed myself are:

-I trust myself again more than ever and I know why. I know that I am able to live what I believe in and I am prowd of myself more than ever before. I know how important and how precious my qualities are. I was never so aware of this fact before, I thought it was just normal and now I know it is very special.

-I have learned what "forgiving someone" really means. I never knew how hard it is to honestly forgive someone. This is a quality that I never knew I had and I believe that I have "softened". I just don't judge people as hard as I once did.

-I don't do as much as I used to. Before d-d, I was the absolute "manager" of the family + business.
I have learned to say no. Therefore my H has to take over alot of responsibilty.

-I don't get loud anymore.
-I have learned to express my feelings and I will never keep them inside of myself again.
-I don't tell my H what to do anymore.
-I have learned to listen.
-I have learned not to "pressure".
-I have learned to accept different opinions and I don't educate.
-I am much more emotional and I cry faster.
-I drink alcohol, something I never enjoyed before.
-I am much opener "sexually" and I'm totally enthusiatic. (don't understand this myself, but it's a great feeling <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> )
-I hardly watch TY anymore.
-I have learned to speak out my thoughts for my H. I never was aware that he wanted to hear these words. Words telling him that I admire him, that I respect him etc. I used to just think these things to myself and I never told him what I thought.
-I have became very easy-going again. This was gone for a long time, due to the pressure I had being the "manager" of everything. I'm just alot more pleasant and I joke around again the way I did "many" years back.

Gosh this is getting too long and I could go on and on..............

This experience has changed me tremendously. Altogether I am happy with these changes, somethings are gone that I wish would come back. But I have learned to accept that they never will.

hugs
bb

How has this experience changed me? How can I count the ways?

-made feel incredibly distrustful of H. I doubt I will ever trust him again. He has lied to me repeatedly, even after formal A ended. He has lost my trust forever.

-Made me resent the couples I see who are in love and happy. I thought my M was in that group, until this happened. It now will be forever tainted, if it lasts.

-Made me consider suicide, if only in theory. The A has been worst thing to occur in my life, even beyond death of a parent.

-Made me feel overall less happy, less satisfied with life in general. I am usually a fairly positive person.

-Scream too much at my kids. They deserve better, but they are often the brunt of my wrath at H.

-lose my best friend, my H. He has become a totally different man than the one I married.We knew each other over 25 years when this occurred. I now feel I am living with someone I am not even sure I like anymore.

-Made me consider divorce, seriously. I am now verging on legal separation.

-Made me lose the daily, casual, reliable marital love that comes with years of marriage. I miss its comfortable feeling, the reliability of it. I don't have it now.

-exacerbated a significant medical problem that I had had in remission for 10 years.The stress of this brought it on.

-In general, I am still a strong woman, but not a happy one. My soul has been broken by this, and the images of my H and his OW remain. Even if H and I stay together, and this is in severe question, it will never be the same. Our relationship, special to me, has been tainted in ways I don't think it can recover. It has all been so devastating-and I say this almost 2 years post discovery.