What Infidelity Stands For

I – I is for who I am, the person whose needs and pleasures I put first, ahead of everyone else’s. What I want is most important, more important than honesty, more important than sacred vows, more important than my spouse or my family whose well being I am willing to risk and sacrifice so I can feel good. I am even more important than what God has told me He wants. Infidelity starts with I, and in infidelity, I am all that matters.

N – N is for no excuses. There aren’t any. Not being unhappy, not being depressed, not being lonely, not alcohol, not drugs, and certainly not your spouse. You chose infidelity, it didn’t choose you. Even such awful things as killing, or stealing, or lying can be excused sometimes because sometimes they are necessary. But infidelity is never necessary and can never be excused. It is the purest form of selfishness because you can only do it for yourself.

F – F is for f---ing. That is what makes infidelity, that is what sustains infidelity, and when the f---ing stops the infidelity stops. Without the f---ing it would be just another harmless friendship like so many others you have in life, funny how those friendships seem to last so much longer isn’t it? Forget all about that I felt special, we felt special, one true love, soul mate, destiny, two peas in a pod stuff, that is precisely how everyone feels as soon as they start f---ing somebody new. Ask people who have had a dozen affairs and they will tell you they felt exactly the same way each and every time. To feel that way is one of the main attractions of infidelity. And it feeds on itself by making a very convenient justification for doing something you know is not right. It is so self-delusional that even some very religious people have thought God sent them their affairs! Sadly, the longer you have been faithful to your spouse the more electric and thrilling it is to cheat on them and f--- another person. So please don’t say it wasn’t about sex, after all you didn’t have sex with some warm, kind, understanding 300 pound janitor who paid attention to you. No, your partner was the person with the perfect body, the perfect tan, the gorgeous smile, the nice fitting clothes and the bedroom eyes, right? Being with a person you think is attractive makes you feel attractive, doesn’t it? And as for f---ing that person, well we know how that made you feel don’t we?

I – I is for immoral. There have been a thousand different religions, cultures, and belief systems on this planet and every single one of them prohibited infidelity. The penalties have varied, everything from being flogged, shunned, wearing a scarlet letter, to being stoned to death, but everyone has always considered it morally wrong. Most people truly rather would have died than lived to be betrayed in this way. It is the most unkind, most cruel, most devastating form of abuse you can give someone. It is universally hated for good reason, it deserves to be.

D – D is for destruction. Infidelity is a leading cause of destroyed marriages, destroyed families, destroyed lives, and destroyed children. It destroys careers, (a certain presidency comes to mind), it destroys businesses, it destroys faith, and it destroys friends. It often leads to violence and it sometimes leads to murder.

E – E is for escape. Infidelity is an escape into a fantasy world unlike the one live in. It is a world where there is no conflict, no criticism, no commitment, no responsibility, and no problems. There are no children or spouses to have to care for, just someone who only needs your presence or your body to be absolutely thrilled. There is no home to worry about, no bills to pay, no unhappiness or unpleasantness of any kind to spoil the day. It is a world where we are always perfect, flawless, beautiful, young, confident, brilliant and great in bed. It is the place we run to when we don’t have the guts to face the real world or the strength it takes to make it better. We escape like we are trying to save ourselves, but we leave everyone else behind to die.

L – L is for lying, the lies you tell your spouse, the lies you tell your affair partner, the lies your affair partner tells you, and the big whopping lies you tell yourself. Lies are the glue that holds infidelity together. Everything about it is false and secretive and can’t exist without constant lying. As soon as the truth appears, POOF! It’s gone. So much for the lie of true love, the lie that you were meant for each other, the lie that it couldn’t be wrong, the lie that you would always have each other, the lie that it was your spouse’s fault and he or she deserved it, the lie that your spouse didn’t love you, the lie that no one would be hurt, the lie that you were entitled and justified, the lie that it wasn’t taking anything away from your spouse or children, the lie that your affair partner was a good person worthy of your affection, the lie that you were the only people who understood each other, and all the rest. The glue of lies is dissolved by truth.

I – I is for Images, the ones you gave your spouse, the awful ones he or she will have every time they drive by that house, or that motel, or see that truck, or that car, or that person, or hear that name, or smell that perfume. They will see images of you having your clothes slowly removed, or on your back, or on your knees, or with your head in someone’s lap, or someone’s head in your lap, or you being kissed or them being hugged. They will hear you moaning in pleasure and saying, “I love you,” to someone else. They will see your beautiful face smiling at a person across the table and sipping a glass of wine on your way to that person’s bedroom. It will be exactly as if they were there, because they were there, you brought them there with you when you did what you did and they didn’t even have a choice. Now they are there forever and will have these tormenting images for the rest of their lives. No surgery, therapy, or drugs can remove them any more than you could forget them yourself. If your spouses live to be a hundred years old they’ll have these images right up to the very end, and in their deathbeds they will say to them selves, “that was supposed to be just for us.”

T – T is for Them, the other persons who make infidelity possible. Remember him or her? They are the ones who told you that you were the one special love of their entire lives at least until the next one came along twenty minutes later. Yes, those are the people. The ones who never fail to take advantage of an opportunity like you. The ones who have done this infidelity thing before and will probably do it again. The ones who said they loved you more than anything they had ever known until it was found out and then you never got so much as a phone call. The ones who blame you for the whole thing and think your spouse is the stupid jerk. The ones who tell you you're angel and tell their buddies you're a whore. The ones who are so good and so experienced at being totally selfish that they were more than happy to show you how’s it’s done. The one’s who gladly would have let you leave your spouse and family behind, and if you had, would have probably cheated on you someday. The one’s who deep down really don’t know what love is and couldn’t hold a dim candle to the devoted spouse you betrayed. The ones who sparkle like fake diamonds and are just as worthless. The ones you thought you loved but now hope you don’t even bump into or can’t bear to look at. That’s them.

Y – Y is for you, the real most important person, not like the “I” that infidelity starts with. You are one you didn’t listen to, you are the one who doesn’t believe in lying and cheating. You are the one who wanted and tried to break it off, who knew it was wrong, who knew that what was going on was not you. You are the good person who was silenced and pushed aside. You are the one who wants to have a faithful spouse and who wants to be a faithful spouse. You are the one who can rebuild your marriage and never make this mistake again. You are the one and the only one who can heal and soothe your spouse. You are all that you need and all that your spouse needs. Your children love you, your spouse loves you, God loves you, only your affair partner hates you!
You must run the show from now on.

So that's Infidelity, it starts with "I" and ends with "YOU."

Jack218

Very good Jack! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

L.

Nailed it, Jack. Although I at first thought the "F" was a bit harsh, I couldn't come up with a better one! It is what it is, unfortunately.

How are things going for you? I haven't been around much and apologize in advance if I missed any of your updates. Take care.

Jack,

This was well said!! Now the big question I agreed totally with what your definitions were but, how can this best be presented so as to not affend. It's unfortunate that INFIDELITY doesn't start with "Y". Everything you said are my exact feelings but I know that if my W read this she would not be able to get to the "Y" so that it all makes sense. I think the only thing that would happen is she would get P**** off.

I would like for her to read and get an idea of what the BS feels. I think she has an idea of my feelings toward being so betrayed but the reality is that no one feels what the betrayed have felt.

Anyone have any idea as to presentation of these sentiments??? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> But don't want to <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> her off.

Very well done Jack - you have really captured it. This one's a keeper for sure, so I don't forget how my BS feels. As a FWS I was glad to get to the "Y", both as I was reading down the screen and in real life.

Jen

My husband cheated on me four years ago.
I was 8 months pregnant with our son. He left me for another woman and actually lived with her for one month. This was in October.

We got back together when our son was 2 months old In February. I was alone in a state away from my family with 2 small children around the holidays. I could even go shopping for my own childrens presents. My neighbor did it for me.

I gave my husband a second chance because of my children. But I lost my exciting love for him. Our marriage is hard. I will never forgive him or trust him again. I wait for him to leave me again every day. Its like a silent torture. Even though he swares that he loves me and he will never do it again. I work at my marriage. And I wasnt serious about my commitment to him we would not have one.

I know hes not serious about us hes already proven that once. There is no way to talk to your spouse about infidelity without not making them angry. The hurt is unreal and its there forever.

I can remember every detail of what happened to us and that was four years ago. He has problems remembering any kind of detail when we talk about it or so he says... The memory is like a match to your soul it burns, chars and leaves a scar that will be noticeable forever.

Until you get cheated on you will never understand. Also if you've cheated and you think that your spouse will cheat on you to get revenge. That's a thought god gave you to torment you a little. But it will probably never happen. My thought is if you cheated and your spouse is still with you. Your one lucky SOB.

I'm new here and this was very good for me to read. I just got out of an A and trying to learn and recover.

Jack,

I think that you got so many of the BS's thoughts down. It said so much of what I felt. I love what you wrote but could never give it to my H. He is on the edge of suicide over the guilt he carries. We survive by not dwelling too much on what he said and did during the year following D-day during which his behavior was at least as painful as the affair.

However, I would politely disagree with two things you wrote:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
<strong>F &#8211; F is for f---ing. That is what makes infidelity, that is what sustains infidelity, and when the f---ing stops the infidelity stops. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Those here whose spouse's have had an emotional/non-physical affair would disagree. And I would have to disagree from a different angle. The f---ing stopped long before their affair stopped. She got pregnant, had a hideously difficult pregnancy and months in the hospital but they still talked every day. After birth of baby, when he swore to himself and to her that he would never sleep with her again, they still continued to spend 90 minutes a day on the phone. (I didn't know of affair until the child, Precious, was 3 months old and the f---ing had been over for a year at that point.) But there is no question the affair was still going on. He was shoveling tons of our money at her, he was buying her household gifts and furniture and worst of all, he was still her emotional support.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
<strong>E &#8211; E is for escape. Infidelity is an escape into a fantasy world unlike the one live in. It is a world where there is no conflict, no criticism, no commitment, no responsibility, and no problems.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">What may have begun as an escape soon become a very troubled relationship filled with more conflict, screaming and fighting than any marriage I have ever known. She did criticize, demand committment and eventually there was the responsibility of a child to be taken care of. I am not sure he will ever recover from the guilt of bringing a child into the world that he can't be a true father to. There were zillions of problems. I think that fantasy only lasts until the OP makes that first request for committment from a spouse that doesn't want to leave their marriage. OP says "I don't want anything from you except to be with you when I can." What they really mean is "That is what I will say until we get far enough into this affair for me to reveal my true agenda--get you away from your wife and get you to marry me."

Just my thoughts,
MJ

All-

Thanks for the feedback, this was not something I planned to show my spouse, though tempted, and not even something I planned to write, just sort of a spontaneous rant but I felt like expressing it to someone, sorry to make you all victims! You are right it is certainly harsh in spots, maybe I should tone it down when I am feeling softer. Thanks for interest in how we are doing at home, things are great, really great, it is like I am no longer angry or mad at my wife I have transitioned to "merely" being angry at infidelity. I guess that was what this rant was about. It seems like such a wasteful, hurtful, stupid form of human activity it makes me just want to cry out sometimes. Makes me want to ride through our suburban neighborhoods like Paul Revere yelling, "your affairs are coming!" In a personal sense though I detect a subtle but perhaps important shift in attitude. Instead of feeling so sad and sorry to be involved in this debacle, I am sad and sorry to have had to go THROUGH this debacle. Kind of like the difference between being in prison and being an ex-convict. Neither are what you wanted but its better to be out than in, no ?

Jack