I'm not sure this makes a whole lot of sense, it didn't to me, but maybe someone else here much smarter than me can decipher this....

WW and I talked yesterday...(FYI we have been separated for 10 months...d-day was 2/01)

She is trying to decide basically between committing to the marriage or divorce. She said, among other things, that I suffer from low self esteem and being needy is not attractive or sexy---which I assume she means me being needy. (I don't think I have been needy, but her perception is her reality, I guess.)

I asked her what that meant...and she said that if I had higher self esteem I would not be taking all this and I would have filed for divorce already...

So I said---"Let me get this straight---for me to be more attractive I would have to file for a divorce to end our relationship?" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

She said: "Well, no, that's not really what I meant"....but she didn't do a good job of explaining what she meant...

She did ask how I could still love her...

My response--"That is pretty amazing, isn't it?"

I guess the best I could tell her about everything is that I am still standing for what I believe in and in my convictions and that running away or doing the easier thing (filing) isn't what I believe is right for me...that I have to stand up for what I believe in, which is our marriage....I also told her that I also don't know for sure if our marriage can be saved...I have lots of questions, too, and there would be a lot of hard work to do it...All I can say is that I am willing to work at it and make the commitment to try--I guess if that makes me needy or unattractive, well then that's what I am I suppose.

So am I being stupid here or what? Can anyone figure out what she is saying...

I ran into her on Friday...we had not talked or seen each other since I gave her back my wedding ring the week before. She said when she saw me she thought--"you looked so cute and I think for the first time it really struck me that I could lose you..." <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> (OK, on a good day I can work myself up to being all right to look at...and I guess Friday was one of those good days <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" /> )

So how does all of this fit in....or does it?

I am tempted to send her a note saying that she is right:

E to Mrs E:

I can understand why you wouldn't be interested in someone who has the conviction to stand by what they believe in. Someone who is strong enough to ride out the ups and downs of all kinds of emotions and yet still is able to see the good in the person who put them on that roller coaster. Someone who looks at the glass and sees it half full rather than half empty. Someone whose head isn't turned by the latest trend or style or flavor of the month.

I could see how someone who is responsible, dependable, honest, supportive, thoughtful and caring would really have limited appeal. I may have to change substantially to be attractive to anyone in the future--I can see that now.

OK---that's a lot of sarcasm I suppose, but...

Am I being insensitive to her or too sensitive myself. Should I just blow off all of what she said as foggy and let it go for now?

Thanks

E

I'd let it go for now... I'll be honest, I think you've got her thinking more than she has been for a long time...

Her comment about losing you is telling... she's had it "easy" for a long time, so... I'd refer you to my comments to confused_guy, since you may have some overlap.

Elad,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Should I just blow off all of what she said as foggy and let it go for
now? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'd say absolute "fog" talk. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> She seems to be very confused. I loved the way you reacted. This really got her thinking. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

take care
bb

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> I think your WW needs to 'feel' that you really are slipping away...

...maybe an imaginary friend w/ some unisex name that you bring up in conversation... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

...well, Taylor said such and such about this the other day....

...just yesterday Taylor said....

...sorry, I have made plans w/ my friend Taylor...

...I was w/ Taylor and...

okay... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> probably not MB... but your W is starting to tic me off... dangling you around, and then using the old "I-don't-respect-you-cause-I-hurt-you-and-you-still-love-me-crap." <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">. Should I just blow off all of what she said as foggy and let it go for now?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yeah, much as I hate to say it... just shake your head and keep steppin' <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

Cali

Hi guys---

Thanks for the responses...I guess I kinda knew what the responses would be and I agree that I should just dismiss it as fog talk.

The funny thing is I am just getting this feeling that I am becoming more worn down by all this and getting to the point where I just tell her I give up...you've won...let's get divorced.

It seems like that's what she wants is for me to make the decision and that she has been trying to wear me down to do that.

That may not be correct but that's the way I am beginning to feel---just like giving up and that is so totally not like me. I am not a quitter...but I may become one, I guess.

Thanks again...

E

Hi Elad,

Let me give ya a pat on the back. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> I can understand what you are going through.

You just might want to "back off" abit and concentrate on yourself for awhile. Try to keep yourself busy.

Have you considered talking to your doctor about meds??? If not, I would just like to tell you to consider that. What you are going through is definately very stressing and sometimes we do just need a little help. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />
take care
bb

Well I think you need to divorce her and marry me!! Are you sure your a man lol.

Ok I'm going to be harsh. But I mean well.

No I think that you need to move on with your life she is stringing you along. She doesn't want to file for divorce herself. #1 because she doesn't want to feel responsible for your marriage coming to an end. #2 She wants you to pay for it.

I think your trying to hard to get her attention also. You need to ignore her. Your are being too needy in her eyes because you are pining over her. Women do not like this it annoys them. Especially when they are through with you. Period.

Once you become unobtainable she will probably want you again? But do you really need that in your life. I think you deserve better.
After ten months of seperation she should miss you is she loved you. Instead she is enjoying her freedom.

Love yourself find a brand new love.
Good Luck

Elad,

I loved your supposed letter to your spouse. Believe me she is in fogville, usa. Let it go. Sounds like you have been working on you and see your worth. If your WW sees it or not is out of your control. Don't give her the power to control you. It is not low self esteem to love someone.

I agree...she's got no real picture of how it actually feels to have you out of her life. I say you start going out...get the different wardrobe and/or hairstyle and cologne...next time she wants to do something tell her you're unavailable but would love a raincheck etc etc... You've still got a chance...if you want it!!

Thanks for the posts and advice guys...

blondblossom Thanks for the pat...I appreciate it... Funny you should bring up meds... WW in our conversation Sunday asked if I would consider going on anti-deps...she has been on them since this spring...Her IC and she thinks it would be helpful for me...though I am not seeing her IC so I am not sure how she can decide <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> (Perhaps the idea of having me on meds is in preparation for her to drop the D bomb--who knows--though I really doubt it.)

Anyway--I would not be opposed to anti-deps if I really felt depressed but I don't. I am leading my life OK and not sitting around the house pining for her...really I am not...now if I could get some anti-confusion/frustration meds...I would take those in a New York minute <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Rachel Leigh OK--let's establish one thing....I am 100% a guy <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> And yes, I will admit that I think I'm pretty terrific all things considered...at least most, OK many, OK some, OK a few women I think would say I am all right and a good catch...I am funny, witty, well educated, a good communicator/conversationalist, thoughtful, loyal and I clean up OK...and yes I am willing to spend a whole weekend shopping (well as long as there's a beer or two at the end of the day <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> )

In regard to whether to move on already...well I just think I will know when the time is right...I was reading that very thing last nite in Beattie's "Language of Letting Go" That in recovery...we know when to move on...it doesn't come until we are ready for it. I don't think I am ready yet...but I may not be far from it. Thanks for the post...

ute Yes, I have been working on myself and continue...I'm a work in progress (Alan Jackson). I have followed your story a little and I am sorry you are where you are regarding D. But you also sound very strong, too. Hang in there...

h4f Thanks again...I am headed out of town by myself this weekend just a getaway for me...I haven't done that much but at least she can see that I am doing things besides roaming around the house waiting for the phone to ring...(which I don't) It's just something different for me...

Thanks again all...I appreciate your input....

E

Elad-- You've gotten plenty of good comments from others. I was away yesterday (driving in fog and ice in the mountains nearly losing my mind).

While I am not a huge fan of James Dobson, it has helped me to read Love Must be Tough. I am getting the impression (although very foggy) that your WW doesn't respect you because you haven't taken a strong stand. Makes absolutely no sense to me, but your WW's comments could be lifted right out of this book.

I agree with the posters comments about your WW not doing the dirty work of filing for the D so that you will be the bad guy. I believe that is what my WH is doing also. I think they are confused, and truly wish somebody else would just take this off their plates for them.

I don't know what to think about the concept of filing for D yourself in order to push that last piece of reality through the clearings in the fog. I wrestle with this myself, but as you say, you cannot really let go until you are ready. It doesn't sound like you are ready.

Have you thought about giving yourself three weeks without this nonsense (or some other time frame) where you really do not have any contact with her. I think this would give you time to think about you rather than getting all wrapped up in the obfuscation of the WW fog talk.

I so badly want to call WH, but I know it won't help me right now. It's just more confusion on his part that just yields pain for me.

So far, you sound like the ideal guy -- shopping, beers, faithfulness, thoughtfulness. Your wife is NUTS. I'm sure you have flaws, but the ones your wife is listing MAKE NO SENSE. FOG FOG FOG

unsure---

Flaws? Me????? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Don't be silly <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Of course I have flaws and plenty of 'em.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

As I re-read what I wrote about myself I realized that I really must have been foolish when I wrote it. How could someone with low self-esteem have such a high opinion of themselves? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

unsure said: I don't know what to think about the concept of filing for D yourself in order to push that last piece of reality through the clearings in the fog. I wrestle with this myself, but as you say, you cannot really let go until you are ready. It doesn't sound like you are ready.

I really am not ready and I really, really think I will know when and if that happens...maybe she will do it or maybe she will make a commitment to us...it seems that commitment is becoming less of a liklihood and to tell you the truth if she did make that commitment it is getting harder and harder for me to believe it is something she would or could follow thru on.

unsure said: So far, you sound like the ideal guy -- shopping, beers, faithfulness, thoughtfulness. Your wife is NUTS.

LOL---not IDEAL but certainly worthwhile...

To this day my WW tells me what a wonderful person I am and what a wonderful husband I have been ("wonderful" is her word)...like I posted to J.R. yesterday, I just don't understand if the WS can get to that point where they recognize and say that their BS is so "wonderful" and has such value, why can't they follow thru with the commitment....It is something I will NEVER understand....

unsure...thanks for the support and the compliments <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" /> ...

You hang in there, too, I know it is hard but it sounds like you are doing OK--

E