W and I have been in recovery for almost 3 mos now. We are both doing quite well considering the turmoil her A and my bad behavior have caused.

In several of our recent conversations, she asked me if I'd be considering "revenge" for her A. I took this to mean that I would want an affair to "get even" with her. While I assured her I would not, I got the distinct impression that she thinks this is "normal" behavior for a BS. She appears to be well-read on the subject; this is something I haven't encountered in mine.

Is it statistically "normal" for BS's to engage in an A to get back at the WS? I'm not really interested in having an A (I had my share online and in a bottle...); I only want my marriage to be healthy and happy again....

Hmmm. I'm sure there will be others with better insight to this than me, but I'll give it a shot.
For me, the thought of being with someone else besides WW wouldn't be because of revenge, but just the feeling of being alone. If I was in recovery I would doubt that I would ever want to extract revenge by having my own affair. The only reason at this point, a little over a month after d-day, to even think of another is just because of loneliness. I know I could never go through with being with someone else now anyway. I'm just not prepared for that. And, all I want to do is pour myself into my kids.
I may be all wet regarding this, but it is just my humble opinion.

HW

The only time that revenge could enter into the picture would be if the BS decided to engage in one or more ONS's as payback but the so called 'revenge A' that is normally referred to here is a misnomer because that type of A does not owe its origin to revenge.

Many a BS fall into 'wounded heart' A, because the WS has continued with the A and the BS's self esteem and self worth has been left so damaged that s/he becomes vulnerable to another person entering his/her life with the love and attention they have been deprived for so long by the WS.

In your case, I beleive your owning to your failing as a H to her coupled with the fact that your W loved you more than her OM (despite not trusting completely your changed behavior), has made it possible for you two to realize that the M was worth saving.

A funny thing about resentment is that in many cases when a person owns up to their failings, it seems to whither away quite quickly.

Congratulations for turning things around and I wish you continued success in your M.

I can't say that I haven't thought about having a
"revenge A" ...I have...I think such thoughts are probably normal.

Doesn't mean the majority has them, though. Myself, I have too much respect for myself and my body...when it comes down to it, I didn't want to "throw myself away" like that.

I've seen statistics that say most (60-80%) of BS go on to have a secondary affair. I really don't think it's about revenge. I think it's about self medicating… about looking for anything that will make them feel whole again. Anything that will make them feel like they have some value.

I went through a period at about 8-12 months out from d-day where there was a little voice deep down inside telling me that if had someone else in my life the hurt would go away and I’d feel like I had some value. While consciously I knew, and still know, I have value there is a part of me that still feels like I don’t. I resisted the idea of an affair because I did not want one. It was the idea of that stupid little voice. But is was as haunting as the images of my H with his OW’en. To resist it I started talking to my H about it and asked for his help with this insanity. The desire for an affair went way. The feelings of worthlessness still linger at times. Still have not found a cure for them or the videos in my mind. It’s less often, but still there. I guess time is the only thing….

Just as the WS has to earn back trust, so does the BS. When the WS opens up about an affair they are making themselves very vulnerable. The BS could use the info for years against the WS. Some BS’s do. Maybe if you tell her that you will work to earn her trust, just as she has to earn yours things will work out.

After d-day I promised my H that I would never use anything about the affairs against him. I’ve been very careful to live up to that promise.

Thank you all for your relpies; they are VERY helpful.

I vowed, in the early stages of revovery, to NEVER hurt my wife again. I realized her A was a reaction to my failings as a H. Even though we haven't discussed the details (how did the A start, etc.), I know that the whole thing was very painful (and out of character) for my W.

I just needed to know if it was statistically "normal" to seek revenge in situations like these. Guess it's all moot, since I don't intend on screwing around with ANYONE but my wife til death do us part !

Thanks for the insiteful answers on this and subsequent posts.