I can't believe that I am still sane. This is just such an emotional roller coaster. Much harder than working on marriage. I believe a little of Judy's fog is lifting. I wish it hadn't gotten to this point, but it will make us both stronger and has brought me closer to God. I feel so bad that Satan entered me and is bent at destroying our marriage. I was so mean to Judy and I have no idea why.

I talked to Judy's friend today. They are very close. I asked her if I had a chance. She said "very much so". So that was encouraging. She gave me some clues. She said Judy has no TRUST for me anymore. Since I had the emotional affair over a year ago and denied it even though she knew. I know we can rebuild the trust. Even though Judy has dated I know I can still trust her.

She also said I must show Judy I can be Judy's "Night in Shining Armor". I must protect her. She said this can be acomplished by helping her financially so nothing bad happens to her. She needs to be secure. I told her besides child support, I have paid some daycare. I told her I would pay some of the utilities to help her out. I guess this wouldn't be a problem if we weren't spending thousands in attorney fees. What a waste. Her friend also told me I should see Sophie more often. I would but this protection order doesn't allow me to pick her up or Judy to drop her off. We have to go through 3rd parties, which isn't always easy in different towns. I told her I would try.

Hopefully Judy will cancel the protection order soon so we can see each other or do joint counseling. She told me she felt she had to get it in August because I was acting irrational as to what I was finding out and what we were going through. I told her I understood, but after our conversation she probably feels better about the possibility of dropping it.

Her friend also told me we need to make Christ a fulltime feature in our marriage. I definitely agree. If we put Him ahead of other things I don't think we'd be where we are. Judy and I are distant from each other and even further from Christ. With God's help we will all become closer. I am already moving to Christ and I want Him to be a part of our lives. Judy also knows my wishes and hopefully she feels the same.

I feel we can make our marriage something others will envy. When we do make it I would really like us to help other couples who are close to reaching this point.

Hi Alan,
You may not know me very well, however I have been following your story and am VERY happy to hear the news. Judy's friend hit the nail on the head. God must be present in our lives in order for our lives to be fulfilling, with or without our spouses. Good luck, things seem to be on the right track. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Thanks,
I just hope she decides to go into counseling. This time away may be the perfect opportunity for her to get IC. She knows what I'm doing. I just hope she sees the possibilities that are ahead of us.

wrong thread...

<small>[ October 21, 2002, 10:29 PM: Message edited by: zorweb ]</small>

Thanks,
Great info. Makes sense.

We had a nice talk and I shed light on the "player" she was attracted to. That doesn't mean she will move onto another. I did tell her I am not going to go looking because I already love a woman. I wasn't mad at her seeing the guy, because I know she is vulnerable and I told her that. I told her to be careful as I still care about her and love her very much. Hopefully, that gets her to think that maybe what she is doing is WRONG.

I like what you say about trust.

Just one thing....the knight in shining armour deal is part of the misconception of marriage and a marital partner. That's the unfortunate movie and romance novel version of love and marriage. It DOES NOT WORK in the long run. Because in real life we are not perfect and we have to be able to depend on ourselves as much as another person. I wanted my H and/or the OM to be my knight in shining armour too...it wasn't until I understood that the reason I kept being disappointed in both of them was because my expectations were unrealistic. So while it's fine for you to become more responsible and have more control over your emotions etc....it's not a good idea to feed that image of rescuing her etc... It isn't a movie, and if you play it like it is one...you won't get your happy ending. JMO....good luck!!

Interesting............
Her friend said this type of action by her husband helped save their marriage. I was thinking my wife had to experience a dose of reality...TOUGH LOVE.

This is what the real world is like without husband VS this is what life is like with a great husband.

What are your ideas about paying some household expenses so she doesn't have to worry as much so maybe she can get her mind in the right frame for counseling..........I just don't want to be taken advatage of....pay bills and she has NO intention of working on marriage. Do you think she will see another side of me (caring and responsiblity for her and daughter) vs selfish. This is besides the court ordered support. What if I pay some rent.....maybe electric...phone......or water bill during separation or give them money for groceries???? Or diapers etc.? I have been paying some of the daycare.......how about ALL of it.

Any recommendations?

AlanArthur,

Focus in your plan A ... if that includes paying her bill do it w/o complaining. She is a giver snap, you can't use tough love in this case .... it only validate you as a mean person in her eyes and never changed.

Focus in plan A ... this is your only hope of salvaging your M. Your website is very good to show that you care and still beleive in her if she 'll give you a chance. Keep it up ... sending note, flowers and other special attention are recomended. She will say it is phony and so on ... however I do beleive you could prove her wrong by persistance & consistence and over time.

IMVHO, do tough love if you don't want your M no more. Feel like doormat ?, it is suppose to be while you are in plan A !. -rh-

Thanks.........no tough love. I need to be more loving and giving....expecting nothing in return........must feel not chasing or desperate?

I did call the massage therapist today and she is going to call W tomarrow and let her know she has a 1 hour session coming. Therapist said she will tell her a friend took care of it. My wife has been wanting one for quite a while. She has so much stress............I wish I was getting one!! <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> or giving her one <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

I tell you what...there's a difference between being generous and being the knight in shining armour. Money was an issue of contention between H and I previously, so when he offered without any complaint to help me...it helped me to see that change was actually possible in him. So if you helping her out will fill her love bank and not just enable her to see other people...do it. Just don't "rescue" her...there's a difference.

Alan, If you wouuld not post the exact same topic/message in different forums, that would be great. You could post in one forum and put a message in the other forum pointing to the first.

I feel so bad that Satan entered me and is bent at destroying our marriage.
Uh, I don't think you are possessed. He ma have entered your life and is cwreaking havoc all around you, but that does not mean he is IN you.

Chris, I appreciate your advise, but why are you so critical all the time? I've read your other posts and you always criticize everyone. Sometimes very midly other times maybe too severe.

We are here for a reason......to seek advise. I can get criticized by my WAW.

Just my perception. I apologize if I'm wrong.

but why are you so critical all the time?
I wasnot aware I was being critical in this post.

Common courtesy is to NOT post the same message in different places. This is why there are different forums.

I've read your other posts and you always criticize everyone.
Perhaps it's because some people want to do whatever they want, instead of following MB principles. This site is to help with marriage/relationship probs using these principles. If someone is doing things which are NOT inline with this stuff (been there, done that myself), I'll call them on it. If someone doesn't agree with this stuff, fine. But they should not try to "get around" them or negate them in these forums.

Also, a lot of the time, people are upset/angry/confused (insert your own words) about what is going on. That is just one of the pahses we all go through. However, they end up making rash decision. Wrongo. MB principles say you should not do anything if you are unsure of what to do or if it will worsen a situation with no possible gains.

One other thing. It is too easy in these forums (and emails, letters, etc) to misinterpret what is said and the intent behind the words.

I am here to offer any support I can, but that may include telling someone when they are wrong. I'm not here simply to make them feel good.

I may write something which is harsh but my intentions are to help get through this crap with the minimal pain. Doesn't mean it ain't gonna hurt though. So my apologies if something is wrongly taken.