I know that MB principles strongly support no contact after the A ends. However, my FWH still has contact due to work, and I'm trying to make the best of it. My thoughts into this have turned in this direction:

How many of you still have crushes on someone you once doted on in high school/junior high? When I think back, the only crushes that didn't fade and go away with time were those where either I moved away to a new school, or the boy moved away, thus a forced "no contact" situation. All of my other crushes faded as the boy would do something, act in some way that would turn me off. I would see through the glamour at some point, and the enchantment would wear off.

Wouldn't it seem logical that this could just as well be the case when contact continues as for the A to start back up? I would think your chances would be at least 50/50. Whereas by forcing no contact, the WS may have a better than 50/50 chance of "loving" the A partner, seeing only the glamour etc. for the rest of their lives. And who can guarantee no contact for the rest of their WS's life? Say they run into the ex-A partner at a conference, or the grocery store, etc. Wouldn't it be easy to rekindle the A especially if the FWS is still "hung up" on the OP?

Some food for thought I guess. For those who had continued contact, what were your experiences?

I can't offer any help but the crush thing hit home with me.

You know my story, OW had a 20 year crush on H and looked him up. He thought it was just an old friend trying to catch up but, she was looking for a little more than just to catch up.

One of my fears of the OW, she got further with H this time then she did in HS so, will she pop in again to check on things. I don't believe he will ever see or speak to her again and now I think he realizes that she is nothing but trouble.

So, my point is. He thought she was a nice person, a friend. Now he knows that she tried all sorts of things to get him 20 years ago and she has tried it again. He has seen the real person now.

Jamup,
I think it would depend on why the A was ended. If the WS & OP choose to end it themselves, mutually because of problems within that relationship, continued contact is less of a problem.

If the OP ended it and shuns the WS, that's a lovebank drain.

If the WS ended it only because of discovery and the OP continues pursuit, it is more likely to re-ignite.

Injecting reality into the fantasy associated with the affair is usually a good thing. Seeing the flaws.

We've been in recovery 2 1/2 years. My H still has contact with the FOW thru work. However, they had re-ignited the PA 3-4 times. Then during one of our reconciliations, she began dating my H's former housemate (another co-worker). EA contact continued for a time, but that she was dating H's friend is probably one of the things that lessened her attraction for my H. And that she turned mean. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I however suspect if FOW's relationship fell apart, she'd make another play for my H. And, she'd have the work contact to make that easier, if she so chose. I don't think H would be interested, but he carried a lot of guilt about her.

Since the remark was made about how the A ended, I'll throw this in. My H ended the A on his own when the OW put the pressure on to make the A sexual. They kissed for a total of about 15 minutes over the course of 2 days with a week of not being alone in between. The entire A was on the job. He revealed it to me about a week later after I began questioning him.

He wants to find a new job, but can not quit now for insurance reasons (I'm pregnant). I have not forced him to quit because I trust him, and we have a mutual friend who's been informed to answer any questions I might have concerning any doubts about their current relationship. (I've never felt the need to ask, that's how obvious it is that the A is over - <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> hope I don't eat those words later).

I do wholeheartedly agree that the reason for the split up is paramount to the A reigniting, but even the Harley's state that an A that dies a natural death is more likely to stay dead. His A did die a natural death, and he major LBed her when he broke it off and when she finally realized it would not rekindle, she began LBing him. I think this is one (maybe the only) positive side effect of continued contact. It also keeps me on my toes and helps me not slip back into old habits of being critical, distant, etc. because I'm aware that having another woman (especially one who's already made it plain that she wants my H) around my H is a potential temptation for him.

I still can't help but believe that he is more turned off by his FOW than he would be if he had changed jobs and had new women to get to know, tease with, push the envelope with etc. I actually feel more secure knowing he has seen through the one woman who's around him enough to make a serious play for him.

bump
In search of more feedback <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Jamup,

I want to let you know that I will reply but have to do so later...am in middle of trigger and reading this thread, although interesting and a good place for me to vent it is making me freak out. I will try later today if you want to check in.

Sorry, I had no intent of creating triggers. But I know how it can be. I've had triggers from threads here before. Sometimes you just have to go off line for a bit to gather yourself.

(((((hugs AGrace))))))

jamup:

Nothing really from me but, I did want to pass along a Congratulations on your future little one. I wish you all my best.

This is a very interesting topic and I have been thinking about it alot. It gave me a hmmmm kind of a thought. Even talked to H about it last night.

When Lor brought up about if the WS ended the A because it was discovered but, the OP continues pursuit the A may ignite again.

Well, with our siutation H did try to end before I found out and the OP did continue the pursuit so, he caved and continued the A. I think for a little while after d-day he did still thought she was a nice person and his friend. He would make comments like "She would be so upset if she knew she had caused problems between us" (Yeah Right)

But, with all of the discoveries that were made he seems to have changed his mind. Now he sees how she manipulated him every step of the way. She would not let more than 1 day go by with out some sort of contact. She would also call then follow up with an email or visa versa. She even continued contact after he told her twice not to contact him again.

She is now evil and manipulative. He wishes he answered her first email. He realizes now that even with answering her email, she jumped at the oportunity to see him again. That she would have continued to contact him even if they had never met for lunch.

IMHO - the more the WS discovers about the OP and about the siutation they were in, the less they will like that person or ever want to see them again. But, that is just me and how our situation played out.

I know this is not what you are looking for. I hope those who are still dealing with workplace contact will post replies to your thread.

Bearcub

I am 100% sure that our marriage wouldn't have survived if my WH had continued to work with the OW. He ended it, NOT because of discovery (I only suspected until after he ended it and she called me), but because he wanted to recommit to the marriage.
She hung on like a pitbull. For awhile she was filling up his voicemail box at work several times a day. One message would be crying "I love you so much. Please call me, please see me, just one more time." Then the next one she'd be screaming "I hate you and I hate {Fairydust} even more. I wish you were both dead!" Then when she wasn't leaving him messages she was calling and hanging up on me all day (when she didn't feel like telling me that H told her this and that during the affair (which was over, so no longer relevant anyway) and that I (the wife who didn't even know about the A) ruined her life.
I can only imagine the nightmare if they'd been working together. Even if it hadn't been like that I would have gone completely insane knowing that he had every reason to have contact with her because they worked together.

Fairydust, Don't you see however, that your H got the finality I'm referring to WITHOUT having to be around her a lot more. If my H were not around the OW, he would probably remember her as a mistake, but still basically a good person. (at least as good as he was since he was in it too). Being around her has allowed him to see her manipulative ways, her attitude swings, etc. She's not the loud threatening type. She's not the psycho type. However she is the type that makes you think you are the most manly thing to walk on the planet as long as you make her think she's the sexiest thing on the planet too. When he quit feeding her ego, now he's childish, a twerp, immature etc. She's even scolded him on occasions like he was one of her kids. (So much for being a macho man!) Basically, she's LBed enough that her charm (or whatever hold she had on him) is gone. Had he had no contact, there would have been no LBing on either part!

<<<Fairydust, Don't you see however, that your H got the finality I'm referring to WITHOUT having to be around her a lot more. If my H were not around the OW, he would probably remember her as a mistake, but still basically a good person.>>>>

I see what you are saying. My WH lived with the OW for awhile so he got to live the nightmare that way lol. But even if she hadn't been unbalanced and I knew that he wanted to end the affair ther eis no way that I could have handled him having contact with her at work. The first 6 months in recovery I was an emotional basketcase when he left the house every day, and I knew that he had no reason to see her or contact her. If they had worked together I would have been unable to handle that. Complete no contact was the only way things worked for me.

Jam--
If the OP is still pushing to keep things going, continued contact will be tough. You have a couple of choices: Demand your S leave the job, or let your S handle it and hope for the best.
Of course, there are options you can exploit, but they could create a world of hurt for everyone involved (like telling the boss about the A). That's a route I for one wouldn't go unless absolutely desperate.
I'm in the same sitch. S and OW work together. It's a drag for be, but she has said she is "over that" and doesn't worry about him. She has recommitted to me numerous times. She has even offered to look for another job. But we need the cash right now, so why add another desperate sitch to the one we have?

So I trust her to tell me if he gets clingy or stupid. Until then, there's not a lot I can do but try to be a great guy she can love and trust. I have to be better than him. And you know what? She's seeing him for his flaws. So I'm not too worried about the OP.

Most days. lol... some days? Baseball bat to the cranium is the number one thought in my head.

Chorus, I knew I'd find a kindred soul out here somewhere!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> I wouldn't say the FOW is clingy etc, instead she's more of an opportunist. If she catches wind that we're having trouble, ever gets any positive feedback from him (which she hasn't since d-day, but life is long), etc. she'll jump at the opportunity to attempt to reignite things. H says he rarely thinks about the A around her, he just avoids her and only discusses business with her that he can't possibly avoid. Most days they don't even speak, but at some point in every day they do "run across" each other. (Break room, before work in the shop etc. he just ignores her). He told me last night that for the most part she seems to have accepted that he is going to ignore her and seemingly goes about her business, but he said occasionally she seems to come off a little miffed that he's acting so "immaturely".

One other kink, she has "taken up" with another guy who is definetly keeping her ego fed, and maybe more. Anyway, who knows what will happen if and when that relationship breaks off. I hate "wanting" an A to continue between 2 other people in order to help preserve my M. My H is very strong right now to me. And like you stated, most days I don't think about the A, or worry about the continued contact. BUT occasionally..........