As many of you know, I've been in a very strict Plan B for a while now, after having discovered an OM #3 back in early September. I'm coming to believe he was a blip on the radar - brought into the picture as the "major" A with OM #2 was dying a rather painful death for her. A very firm Plan B, including cutting off the cash flow was my response.

When I "resumed" this stance, I left her with a fairly strong message... didn't post it here, but it was "strong"... I'll leave it at that... I definitely avoided anger, demands and disrespect, but I also stood up strongly for myself. I could see that she might interpret it harshly, so I decided last Friday to "do it right" and give her a proper Plan B letter. I did it up, printed it, and left it by her door.

Here's much of the text of it:

Dear WW,

I was thinking recently... that my last message wasn't the best to say good-bye with, if indeed that's necessary. Some of it was simply shock and pain. Much is true and still applies, especially about my not allowing myself to be hurt anymore. But having some time to reflect, more clarity possibly prevails. Not to be pushy, but I would like to throw this out there... I'll leave you alone after this, I promise.

Some of the inspiration comes from hearing the words in one of Tom's new songs... struck me quite deeply...

yeah, when all of this is over
should i lose you in the smoke
i want you to know
you were the one

and, may my love travel
with you everywhere
baby, may my love travel
with you always

But of course, this is not easy for me, as you can imagine. My request for not having contact is not to punish or hurt, but to protect me and my love for you. It just hurts to see things like this, and so I retreat. It's not for a lack of care or concern. But I must stand for myself, too.

I hope you never have to live this again. I hope you find your source of happiness and share it freely. I hope you can forgive me someday. I hope the acute pain of the last year will make sense / diminish for the both of us someday. I hope you have beautiful, wonderful, smart, vibrant children. Maybe you can tell them about me someday if we're not together. I hope you'll remember happy times.

I myself think of:

[I included about 20 different examples of "happy memories" of mine.]

I have many hopes and memories that will never die, as you can tell. I hope you have a few good ones of your own. I feel a bit better, having spoken a few of mine. (No, I’m not all depressed as I write this… something about it just feels “right” – “necessary”.) And so rather than sounding angry and resentful – which I’m not truly, by the way – I just needed to let my positive energy flow a bit. I hope that’s okay.

I always believed you were the one... many other things could have been said, past, present and future for us... but I must and will respect your wishes.

May providence shine blessings on you always.

I love you,
JR

Well, today she sends me this reply... seems like she is THINKING at least... I think the cash flow issue will start to add more urgency to the situation... she can't stay where she is for too long as it is, and I know she's been opposed to moving, despite it allowing her to cut her commute drastically, since she "doesn't want to send me the wrong message." It wasn't my intention to use money as a weapon, but it is what it is... reality. Anyhow, here's her reply:

Hi JR,

I wanted to thank you for leaving that letter on Friday. It meant a lot to
me. Actually, it was good timing because I have been working on one to send
to you. IC/MC helped me a little and I had decided to sent it to you today.
So, here it goes:

My Dearest JR,

On my journey to becoming a better person, I'm learning about forgiveness
and apologizing. Until recently, I had not even been able to define the
word forgiveness. Then I heard one person define it as "no longer wanting
to punish someone for a perceived wrong". I looked up "forgive" in the
dictionary. It said "to give up resentment against or the desire to
punish". I'm starting to understand this concept and hope to apply it to my
life. To forgive you for your small transgressions, and to forgive my self
(although the latter seems very distant).

In order to begin this process, I need to apologize to you. I want to
apologize to you. You deserve an apology. "Apology", by the way is "an
expression of regret for a fault".

I am sorry. I deeply regret many things I have done.

I'm sorry for abandoning you.
I'm sorry for lying to you.
I'm sorry for betraying you.
I'm sorry for hurting you.
I'm sorry for not explaining to you how unhappy I was.
I'm sorry for not turning to you first when I felt alone and down.
I'm sorry for not giving you a chance.
I'm sorry for going to ballet class and leaving dinner for you to make.
I'm sorry for not being more patient.
I'm sorry for expecting you to leave your parents, job, our home, your car
and country.
I'm sorry for being so difficult at points that you became afraid to share
anything with me.
I'm sorry for not demanding that you come out of your shell and talk to me
more.
I'm sorry for letting you lose touch with yourself.
I'm sorry for not having an accurate memory and distorting reality.
I'm sorry for exaggerating the few bad qualities you have to justify my bad
behaviour.
I'm sorry for yelling at you when you purchased oil packed tuna and not
water packed tuna when we were camping.
I'm sorry for being angry with you when we bought groceries when we were
first married and we picked up the ice cream first, and it melted. It was
my bad judgement as well.
I'm sorry for allowing resentment to build up.
I'm sorry for being childish.
I'm sorry for being selfish.
I'm sorry for expecting you to be an adult before you were one thus robbing
you of natural developmental stages.
I'm sorry for forgetting how amazing you are.
I'm sorry for forgetting how much you love me.
I'm sorry for not being more supportive of you developing friendships with
the people you work with.
I'm sorry for expecting you to read my mind.
I'm sorry for not being stronger.
I'm sorry for not letting you get close to me and for pushing you away.
I'm sorry for making your life miserable.
I'm sorry for pretending to be a better person than I really am.
I'm sorry for not taking better care of my appearance on a daily basis when
I was a student.

You are the best person that I know.

Love,
WW

Also, I got your letter yesterday requesting your mail. I will either drop
it by your place or send it by post.

Just to update you, I'm still working hard. I still think about you all the
time. It was so nice to read your last letter and to be reminded of some of
our good times. I have a couple of my own favourites to add to the list,
but maybe later. I appreciate you saying you want to respect my wishes. As
soon as I figure out what my wishes are, I'll let you know.

I understand your need to not have contact at this point. I'm trying to
respect that. If you want to reply to this message, you may, but there is
no obligation to.

--- sent me some pictures of their kids. They are so cute. I
will forward them to you.

I hope you and the cats are well.

WW

Hi J.R.,
We're still with you. I see you from time to time helping someone. I have wondered how you were.

In a way it makes me sad to read this, because it shows how much you both have going for you, yet you are not together. Hang in there, ( I know you will, but have to say it,) who knows what will happen.

I am glad you sent it to her, I often feel that a remeinder every so often for the WS is a good idea, and I always suggest re-telling the conditions for getting back together to re-enforce in their mind that it is what you want.

Are you still considering moving? Or are you still waiting to see what will happen?

Keep up the good work, as said above, good to hear from you.

SS

<small>[ October 22, 2002, 01:29 PM: Message edited by: still seeking ]</small>

JR---maybe it's because of my own situation but I cannot for the life of me figure out why your WW and so many other WSs here don't completely break down and look at the one person (the BS) who has been there and supported them thru so much horse hockey and pain and not reralize there is so much substance to that person.

We hear them talk about all this bullcrap about their journey and being happy etc and as Rhett said to Scarlett: "I feel sorry for you because you're throwing away happiness with both hands for something that will never make you happy."

Anyway---nice job on your letter and it was a nice response from your WW although it seemed like she still managed to get in a interesting comment or two:
I'm sorry for expecting you to be an adult before you were one thus robbing you of natural developmental stages. What's that about?

Hang in there...it sounds like you are doing OK.

E

SS,

"In a way it makes me sad to read this, because it shows how much you both have going for you, yet you are not together."

Yeah, I hear you. Sometimes I think she's just on the edge of figuring everything out... just it just doesn't happen. Or rather, it doesn't happen fast enough for my liking, more like it! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> At this point, I've given her every reason in the world to change the course of her river, and she knows I'm sticking to my guns. The choices are staring her in the face, and there will be no cake eating of any kind. I feel very good about that fact.

"I often feel that a remeinder every so often for the WS is a good idea"

Yes, my "pros" for doing it:

- A better "Plan B letter"
- As suggested by SH to me (and others without kids), is often a good idea to keep your name in front of them, at least a little
- I sound (hopefully) more relaxed and positive than I was before

"Are you still considering moving? Or are you still waiting to see what will happen?"

There's no rush... maybe it's the Prozac talking, but I'm doing pretty darn good right now. I'm keeping MYSELF happy enough... been doing some things I'd neglected for a long time, and I have no fear of the future, regardless.

It still might happen, but only when it's right for me, such as if work starts to be a problem here.

Elad,

"and not reralize there is so much substance to that person"

And the scary thing is she tends to acknolwedge this in her reply, yet can't seem to pull the trigger. Oh well... if I could understand them, I'd have to be as foggy as them, so I guess I don't want to know!

"I'm sorry for expecting you to be an adult before you were one thus robbing you of natural developmental stages. What's that about?"

I think this is based on the fact that we met and married so young (a common thing around here!). We met when she was 15, I was 17 and have been an integral part of each other's life since then. In many ways, we grew up together. And sadly, in many ways our relationship (to her) became more like a brother/sister... I think that can be explained by the lack of romance, etc. which is another common issue. It doesn't mean we fought or anything - for the most part we were best buddies... but her A's made her believe in "fairy dust," I think, and that she can and should EXPECT MORE. And I've agreed with her... she should expect more from me, and I've learned a whole lot about life and love, and I'm confident I can deliver the goods. I honestly believe now her dilemma is in believing it's possible and throwing herself into rebuilding with abandon, like I believe she thinks she'd need to do in order to be happy. (I.e., if she isn't tingly and excited, her partner mustn't be doing something "right" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> ) I'm hoping she starting to realize a few things about this, having had more than 1 A blow up on her now.

If she can't figure it out... I don't want her!

JR,

You know even in the strictest Plan B, some contact occasionally is a good thing. I think your letter is a case in point. Her response was very interesting and showed that she may be thinking, but that she is also still a bit in the fog about things.

My guess is that she doesn't believe you will leave her, that she has a lot of time to decide things and perhaps she does. But I suspect she doesn't.

On the whole I would few this exchange as very positive. I do hope in your letter to her that you have explained the conditions under which she can contact you, such as ending things with OM and wanting to work on the marriage.

Keep up the good work JR. What she doesn't understand is that you are growing and changing. There will come a time and it may be soon where your needs for her in your life will end. I hope she wakes up before that.

There are several WS posters who allowed the marriage to end only to find that isn't what the wanted but are struggling because the BS doesn't really trust them or want them back.

You are doing well.

God Bless,

JL

I also think a reminder that you're still there is a good thing. That way if any more thoughts of other people are there, it snaps them back to reality again.

Honestly, I think what's holding her up is the security that she has all the time in the world to figure this out. Yes, she's thinking, but until there's some outword pressure to DO something...she won't be the one making any moves. She's completely secure that you're still hanging on waiting for her...I'm sure she may question that at times...but then it seems like you always find a way to reassure her. I seriuosly think you need to quit that. You're wife has the answers she needs...she's done the thinking and it seems she realizes her own fault in things...the only thing left is to make a commitment, and there's no signs of that at all from her.

Honestly...that fog can clear pretty darn quick and the answers that seemed so fuzzy yet get pretty clear when the rug is pulled out from under you. If you're still patient, then hang out a while more. But if you feel yourself getting close to not caring any more...make a serious move WITHOUT reassuring her of anything. I know you don't want to ruin your chances by giving a false impression...but it seems to me in MANY cases the hard reality of actually losing their spouse is the only thing that finally forces a commitment.

Glad to hear you're doing well!!! The holidays are coming, so be sure and take good care of yourself during those times.

J.R.

I didn't post earlier because your story made me very sad. But I care about how you're doing and think I need 2 say something! Just that I don't know if I can be of any real help.

I agree with JL. It seems as if your W doesn't believe you would leave her. It's so amazing that after all this time, she's still having an A (another one!) and she STILL wants 2 work on her M with you! But maybe that's the point: this sitch is far from unusual.

What 2 do? I dunno. If it were me, I'd downshift 2 a remote plan A, maybe talking about yourself and how you're doing and what you want out of life from YOUR perspective for YOU alone. How would she react 2 that? It'd be kind of like telling a "friend" you're thoughts, including plans 2 DV her and start over, and waiting for feedback. Wouldn't that be an interesting position 2 put her in? Giving advice on what you should do 2 heal from your "failed" M?

Please don't take my ramblings as instructions here (Heck, I KNOW you won't! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> ). I'm just thinking out loud.

I hate trajedies.

JL, H4F, 2L,

I hear you all and actually agree with you all, too. I think she's addicted to cake! And in some respects, I'm responsible for that partly.

I do think there is one very big thing that is looming, and may be the catalyst for a decision on her part... the whole issue of money.

At her current "burn rate" for the stuff, she only has maybe 1-2 months where she can stay in "our" apartment... beyond that, she really does need to think about moving to the town where she works... it could save up to $500 a month. If she moved to another small town nearby her work, maybe up to $600 or $700 a month.

Many, many people have commented to her, "why haven't you moved already?" Her commute would be cut from 2.5 hours a day total to maybe 0.5. Yet for her, I think there's a few factors. There's the symbolic value of being close to me geographically. She's said she "doesn't want to send me the wrong message" by moving away. (My interpretation: I want you as an option bad enough that I'm willing to sacrifice my sanity with the commute, expense, etc.) And she's quite a sentimental person (not much unlike me!)... leaving something that symbolized "us" would be difficult for her, I think. To her, moving would symbolize the "end", and it's pretty obvious she's trying to avoid that!

As she continues to burn "her" savings, she's faced with interesting problems. Such as the fact that every dollar she spends now is "her own" - so she'd better make a few changes - I haven't seen that yet. (In checking with a lawyer, the concept of "community property" ends at the time of separation here in CA.) And what about legal expenses? If she moves and has any intention to file, she better have at least 3-5,000 to set aside for a retainer (much if not all said savings!). If she doesn't have any intention to file, then why are we going through this game??! She's got to realize in such a case that she's wasting both time and money.

And so for me right now, I think my posture is clear: I refuse to be hurt any longer, and I'm satisfied with having already said my final good-byes. (I told her that pretty explicitly in my letter in September.) I'm actually happy with my Plan B right now... something I had to learn - didn't do it so well at first!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

I agree... this is a pretty tragic situation... for me, because the choices seem pretty clear, and there's no real reason to be confused: she can admit I'm a great person - the "best" person she knows. I think she's well aware that we can have a great M - if she tries - something she also admits in her response that she hasn't done.

I also suspect that my filing could be a major wake-up call. But I don't want to hinge any hopes or expectations on that. Sadly, I feel that when I file, it's because I both need and WANT it to end. In other words, if I do it, it's more than likely to go through.

As SH has said, the key to breaking addictions is time, and stopping her ability to eat any cake at all IS forcing her to face some consequences. I believe based on her recent tone that she's starting to "crack", possibly. If she's not, then it won't matter because I'm not budging one inch without my conditions being met. I was very, very clear about them, too, back in September.

I've lifted my stance from both Dobson and Harley... the fact is that right now she may be (subconsciously?) testing me... much as children do often... after all, if I "cave in", she gets to eat cake again... if I don't, she needs to change, or suffer in misery. I think these choices are becoming more clear for her, as the spends time away from me, yet realizes even now (based on her comments) that she's not "escaping" her issues (or her love for me).

As for OM's... I think she's hard-pressed to have any OM right now... all my evidence tends to indicate "hard times" across the board. I could elaborate, but won't for now.

I dunno... my gut is telling me that something's going to happen in the next month or so... we shall see.

I've read the most beautiful words in this post.

Well, I think all her apologies to you do mean something. I think that you are right in your analysis as to why she doesn't want to move from the apartment. It seems your WW is ambivalent.

You are handling the situation admirably. It sounds like you have learned so much from what you have been through. Whether WW wakes up in time or not, I know you will make some woman (hopefully WW) a fabulous partner in the future.

Thanks all.

Ah, such mixed signals, it's a good thing I'm not going to give them much thought... but I will make note of a couple of "developments".

1. Looks like she might have decided to move after all... joint account shows a large cheque - possibly a deposit. Oh well... all part of reality.

2. Got a birthday card from her in the mail. It says:

Dear JR,

I will be thinking about you on your birthday - a day to celebrate your life, your presence here on Earth. God sent you as a blessing to this world.

Love,
WW

So... I'm a blessing now, too. But not enough to be a H? I think she's going through some very difficult times right now - Plan B and all. Just proves to me that I'm doing exactly the right thing. Talked to IC/MC tonight, and she seems to think the fog is definitely clearing... I've heard that before, though. I will only judge actions now - words are nice but don't carry the day.

Sorry things aren't going as you want it to. I know you have replied to my posts often and I do appreciate it. I wish there was something I could do to help your wife wake up and smell the coffee. Let me know if there is anything I can do to help ya out. I know it hurts, sucks, and everything else. Head for high ground because I am going to be following right behind you..