My case is very messy. I maybe the worst person on earth, the most selfish, inconsiderate, the bad guy, the sinner.

I am separated, and during the separation, I had a 17 months A that started as EA and turned out to PA last month. I ended the relationship this month. The OP is my cousin in law whose family is in different state. I feel terribly sorry for what I've done, for my poor judgment and wrong choices. I feel so guilty and I am so afraid. I know with what I've done, my whole family will hate me and possibly oust me.

I don't know what to do. Telling them the truth will ruin the whole family. What I know for sure is I will suffer in shame and guilt for the rest of my life. I have to alienate myself from my family and relatives which will be very hard for me.

Any advice will be highly appreciated. Please understand that I have no one to turn to at this point in time- and I feel like dying- Sheryl have been a great help. Thank you.

Hello Somewhere..

Welcome to MB. Is this your first time here?

I wonder if you can tell us a bit more about your marital situation. What caused the seperation? Is there a divorce pending or just seperation? How long have you been married?

You say "cousin in law". Not sure what that is, are you saying this is your spouses' cousin and therefore cousin in law to you?

I hope I can help you but give me a bit more history as to what originally caused the seperation.

I assure you. You are NOT the worst person in the world. You made a mistake. I know that feeling all too well but you can recover from this. You are a human being and worth being given a 2nd chance. I know your in a great deal of turmoil right now but lets sort it out okay..

You are not alone
Zoey

<small>[ October 23, 2002, 02:06 PM: Message edited by: Zoey ]</small>

First...guilt is a useless emotion and very self-centered. Remorse on the other hand is about making changes, making reparations and working on you. You are not a terrible, evil person. You are someone who has made a terrible mistake. Your suffering in shame and guilt will accomplish NOTHING. Accept that you made a mistake and then make sure that you learn from it, why you allowed it to happen, what you can do to make sure that you are never placed in that position again.

As for the rest, we really need to know more about your situation if you would like advice. Are you still separated? Are you wanting to reclaim your marriage? Are your main concerns about how your family (parents, etc...not spouse) will view this betrayal? Is your OP also married?

Hi Zoey & Just a Wifey,

Sorry for the delayed response. At first I thought my message was deleted. Thank you for your words of encouragement.

H & I are separated for almost two years after being together for 10 years. H is 14 years older than me. We have a 7 year old adopted daughter.

We separated during the lowest point of my life where I needed H support the most. We just moved to a different state. I was jobless and totally dependent to H for the first time. But he took the opportunity to be more controlling. Until I detached myself from him emotionally and physically, which went on for about two months, until he finally told us to leave the house. Which I did.

A month after we moved out, I found a job which supported me and my D till the present. He refused to give us any support. Though I did not demand it either.

H admitted that he went to bed with several women during his holiday last year. He did it because of our marital situation and his physical need. One of them got pregnant and gave birth last September. He don't intend to marry the OW. He was telling me that he wants us back as a family.

During the separation, I became close to the OP who is married to my cousin. His family lives in different state which OP visits every quarter. It was just an EA which turned into full blown PA late last month.

Do I want to reclaim my marriage? I am not sure anymore. I don't think so. So many things happened. Too much water under the bridge.

Yes, my main concern right now is how my family, especially my cousin, will view this betrayal. I also feel bad for having done this to my H. Though we are separated, we are still married. I don't know what to do. I was not a bad person before these things happened. I was the most well-behaved and God-fearing family member. I amrespected and admired for having no bad record at all.

I admit that I made a terrible mistake. I have learned my lesson the hard way. And I will never to this again.

Right now, I need help on how to deal with my situation. I am living in fear because of what I've done. Please help me.

Thank you.

someone,

I see your greatest problem here is the affair with your cousin's H. That is quite a betrayal of your cousin, as you probably know, and is the kind of thing that always comes out and almost always causes great rifts in the family. Of course, you knew that going in, so this was a risk you were willing to take.

I would be thinking of ways to handle such a situation in the most honorable manner possible to minimize the damage. Many people in your family will be hurt from this, particularly your cousin, so I would be thinking of the her. I think it would be much easier on all concerned if you came clean and told the truth rather than them finding out on their own, which will put you in an even worse position. It would be the right thing to do to tell the truth.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Telling them the truth will ruin the whole family.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">No, they won't be ruined by the truth. YOUR relationship with them was ruined by your affair. It will be further ruined by more deceit.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">What I know for sure is I will suffer in shame and guilt for the rest of my life. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That was a risk you were willing to take. However, if you start acting honorably NOW and make amends for your actions you might be able to turn this situation around. There is no shame and guilt in making a very bad judgement call and then taking steps to face the consequences and repair the damage. How you HANDLE a shortcoming is also a sign of good character.

You also need to quit obsessing about your own feelings in this mess and start thinking about the those you have harmed. They are the real victims here, not you.

Melody,

Thank you for your input.

You're right that my greatest problem here is the A with my cousin's H. I feel this bad for myself because I know I harmed and betrayed my cousin and the whole family. I know they are the victims here, not me.

Thank you for thinking of ways to handle the situation in the most honorable manner to minimize the damage. I've been thinking about it for so long. I want to come clean and tell the truth, but how?

Please continue to help me. Thank you.

I would start with telling your cousin the truth and expressing your deep remorse. She is the real victim here. I would then tell your parents - and any other close relatives - what has happened and also make sure they understand that you are now trying to take the high road and make amends for your actions.

It will take enormous courage to do this, but it is sure easier than hiding in fear and terror hoping against all hope that they never find out. Because they will find out and it will be much worse if they find out on their own. You CAN do this and know that there are many people here who will support you.

Melody,

I hope to have the courage to tell them the truth when the right time comes.

Thank you...

Hi Hon!!

Hugs to you for being brave and posting your story!!!!!

Listen... to me... the biggest factor in your healing right now is to forgive yourself. Not a short order there... it's the MOST DIFFICULT thing to do!

The one thing you have going for you, in regards to healing your marraige, is your DEEP DEEP remorse. As someone who has been betrayed, I can tell you that NO SINGLE FACTOR is more helpful to the betrayed spouse. Many of the BS's here get the "It's your fault I cheated" or "Yeah I did it and I don't feel bad" confession. You would not be saying that at ALL. Clearly, you feel VERY bad about what you've done.

I would begin by telling someone, ANYONE you can trust, about this betrayal. It will be hard, I know... but I think it's kind of a Step Two in your process... because I think that you won't be able to go forward until this is out in the open - and not because I believe so strongly in radical honesty (although I do) but because YOU CAN'T LIVE IN YOUR SKIN. You prove that every day you beat yourself up about it.

So, find a therapist or a minister... someone safe to talk to... and begin the next leg of your journey.

Believe me, we've seen family members (extended or not) mentioned on this site before. Yes, it will mean big changes in your family (or maybe not, you may be surprised at what you find out later)... but you will be able to look at your face in the mirror... and THAT'S the most important thing!

Sheryl,

Thanks...

Yes, Sheryl, I am looking for a therapist or a minister to talk to. I badly need help to get through with this. And so far, you, Melody, Zoey and Just a Wifey have been such a big help.

Regards...

Well...I'm going to go against the flow on this one. IF...major ifs...the affair is over, IF...you make sure to never have any contact with your cousin's H, IF...the MM understands and accepts that there will NEVER be another incident of betrayal with you or any contact...I don't know that I would tell. While I usually believe that a BS should be informed...I am unclear as to what benefit at this point her being told would have. (Altho, if he's living in a different state and only visiting home on occasion...you may not have been the first OW or the last...which makes it scary.)

Now if any of these "IFs" are not true, then you will likely have to face whatever happens in the family and protect his W and family by telling. Won't be easy, you may not be believed, you may become the "outcast". These are all risks, which while I doubt you thought of at the time of betrayal...am sure you are aware of now.

As for your marriage...up to you and your H to chose to either continue the marriage as is, to reclaim, or to get a divorce...BUT...do get a legal separation with child support until you decide what path you wish to take. That is your daughter's right...one you are responsible for overseeing as her mom. Since you don't seem to need it for daily support...it makes a great "nest egg" for her college education.

Hi Just A Wifey,

Thanks for your reply.

The affair is over. The OP is leaving this state very soon to join his family for good. I make sure to never have any contact with him anymore. He understands and accepts that there will never be another incident of betrayal or any contact with me either.

We have made a mistake. And I want to protect the whole family for any further damage the best way I can.

If I will tell the truth, the OP is sure that my cousin will divorce him. And he was aware of that and was willing to take that risk. But I do not want that to happen to them.

With regards to my marriage, yes, I am considering a legal separation in the meantime with child support.

Thank you for your input. It helps a lot.

<small>[ November 01, 2002, 08:02 AM: Message edited by: someoneout_there ]</small>