It has been over 2 months since I discovered WH EA and one month since I started Plan A and I thought I was doing better emotionally. I was in better control over my thoughts and feelings and thought much less about what WH had done but on Sat. I seemed to have lost my grip again. I have no idea what sparked it. On Sat we were driving in the car having a good time joking when my mind began to wander, I think it was something WH said that sparked a thought/memory about the EA and I started thinking, I try to keep my thoughts under control because if I don't my mind wanders to much.

Anyways I was really deep in thought and getting disgusted by what WH had done when he went to touch me in the car, a playful little poke when I completely pushed him away in disgust, I remember thinking "I DO NOT WANT YOU TOUCHING ME!" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> just like my thoughts when I had first found all this out. Ever since then I seem to be back at square one. I seem to be getting depressed a lot again, I am paranoid, every blocked call on his cell phone or voice mail on his cell phone I immediatly assume it was her calling. When he is left alone at the house I immediatly assume he has called her. I keep thinking that when he is out at work (he is a local truck driver) he calls her from his stops or pay phone.

I am now realizing again I have NO trust for my husband. I don't want him driving up N. on Thurs again (where he met her).

How do I learn to trust him, I know trust is one of THE most important things in a marriage. I feel so empty and sad and ugly, I have even thought about leaving him again.

As for him, other than my reasons above for being paranoid he has been very good to me. He tells me he loves me, he is more affectionate, he is better with the kids. He still though has a problem talking to me about things but he is working on that. Then my paranoya (sp?) sets in and I think he is doing the above so he can have his cake and eat it too.

Help me! ! ! I am slipping again. Gosh I wish so much that this never would have happened.

Maia

I really can't give any advise but will stick around to see some of your answers from others. I totally understand what you saying. I fear all those things with my WH too. I automatically assume it's her when we get hang ups or unavailable calls. I just "know" he's calling her the second I am out of sight. Wondering if he's at her place when he goes out or while I'm at work. It's driving me crazy. I've gotten a better grip of myself but I find myself slipping quite a bit lately. Not sure why. I'm here with ya. Wish I could offer more.

It makes me feel better to know that there is someone out there who knows how I am feeling. I feel so alone right now. Obviously my WH can't understand how I feel.

I found this in a magazine article, written by a women who found out her husband was having an affair and it describes me so well.

"Some days, I live to speak to Rob [her husband], other days I hope I'll never see him again. I can't believe how fragile I feel. I thought I'd be able to handle this. But I have no confidence in myself at all -- and no idea what to do next."

I hope I can get some words of wisdom here, I have before.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> My other question is should I share my original post with my husband so he can understand how I am feeling or would it be better not to?
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

you are so not alone. I related to everything you said and the article hits home too. Some days I live for my WH and love him to no end and others I hate him with a passion and hate that he did this to me and our family. I didn't deserve this. I'm not much help but I do relate and I'll be a shoulder if you need one

I don't know you're whole situation but I see you have a newborn too. I have a 3 yr old and an 8 month old. All the emotions of a newborn and trying to get back to normal takes toll on us as it is but then to deal with an A on top of all of that is enough to drive anyone over the edge. I have been in a whirl wind of emotions and dealing with them postpartum has been extremely difficult. I am also still breastfeeding which has been difficult in itself and with all the added stress has been devastating to my supply not to mention the exhaustion. So many things to deal with at once. Sometimes I just want to throw my hands up and say "I quit"

Maiadab: Keep strong. From your post I assume that your husband is still living with you? If so, hang in there and fight for your relationship.
My H just left and 3 & 1/2 months later I still love him as much, but yes...feel those days of hate and madness also.

If I wish one thing was different it would be that he didn't leave and was here so we could work on it. If your H is still at home..then you have a great opportunity...seize it!

You can see from my signature line that my H had an EA with his boss. It was devastating to me and yes..I understand your feelings of mis-trust. Even an EA can turn your world around!!

Decide if you want this marriage to continue and if you do..work on it. It always means one partner works harder than the other, so if that means you have to do the work for your marriage to be successful and stronger, then do it! Obviously you're posting here for a reason.

Keep the faith..that's what I lean on!

Stillcrazy4him:

Gosh we sound an awful lot alike. My husbands EA started when I was 7 months pregnant and supposedly he told her just before our son was born that he had to end it, yet in Aug there is proof by phone records that he attempted to contact her. He says he never got through to her.

I too am nursing and when I first found out about the A I couldn't eat for anything and I actually thought I had dried up. Thankfully I didn't and am doing better about eating.

It makes me sick to think that during the last few months of my pregnancy, during the delivery, and the first few months on my sons we were all living a lie and he was thinking about someone else.

How long ago did you find out that you husband was unfaithful?

Maia

Kimmy1:

You are right I should be thankful that WH is still around. He swears he never had any feelings for her and always loved me only. It just hurts so bad and I have such a hard time believing ANYTHING he says.

I do want this to work some days though I just don't think I can take it anymore, like it would be so much easier to move on, then I realize I am wrong. And you are right I feel like I am working SO much harder than him.

I am sorry for the pain you are going through right now too.

Maia

Hi ladies -
I understand exactly how you feel as many here do, that's why we're here! My H had an A with his coworker and they still work together which drives me up the wall, but we are in the recovery process. Last week he said he was't sure about anything in his life except for the fact that he loves me, but in the same breath he said he thought he loved her (but couldn't think of why), yet this week he says he ended the A in August ( a month before I found out about it all) Anyway, its really hard to know what to believe to be true and I'm with you there....

My H and I have spent time apart by my choice mostly and are trying to work through this hell. The most important thing I am learning that I can pass on to you (and hopefully this works for all of us) is to try and take care of you first. I too am worried about being away and how much contact they still have (especially since she called the house last week! I have since had her phone # blocked) ans so on, it can drive you crazy, I know.

But...to take care of you is to try and focus on yourself, keep as busy as you can, trust God and have faith, pray, talk to friends. We really have no control over the WS you know, we have to put our faith in God because the WS will do what they're going to do, we are not their mothers, we are their wives.

Pray for him, love him, if you want to save your marriage then save it. Kimmy1 is right in that you may have to work harder but he will have to work at it too! That is the role we have to take and I know its hard but you can do it! I'm not sure what else I can offer but I hope that helps a little because I'm in the same spot. Good luck!

Maiadab

I first had the notion right after I found out I was pregnant. I had found evidence and he explained it away. He said he set me up because he knew I was snooping and he wanted to teach me a lesson. Extremely harsh if you ask me. I still sent her an mail telling her he was married and had a child and one on the way. He explained that one away to her so she kept seeing him. I didn't find out the awful details of their relationship until our daughter was 4 months old. Our relationship was extremely strained the entire time I was pregnant. He had ended the A in February which is when our daughter was born. He wasn't going to tell me about it because he didn't want to hurt me. He knew it would devastate me. Another part of our web, a woman who claims to have been involved with him the past 6 years, whom he claims is a psychotic friend, broke into his email and sent me all of the emails from my husband and the OW (the one while I was pregnant). My supply took a hard toll. Between all of this happening and returning to work I was so stressed out. Some days I literally felt like I was loosing my mind and I was about to crawl out of my skin. The fact of being a new mom all over again is overwhelming enough. I was/am determined to nurse until she is 1. It is a hard job and no one understands unless you have nursed and struggled. I am working and pumping and struggling. I have had to start supplementing at least 1 bottle a day. That was a major issue for me. And deep down I blame him. If it wasn't for all of this my supply might be OK. Instead I am having to supplement with formula. Somedays I hate him for this.

Zany,

Thanks for the advice and tips. Gosh how can you stand them working together?! That would drive me crazy. Luckily the stop where my husband met this girl at was fired, I actually called up there and confirmed that w/o my H knowing, untill later.

You are right we need to take care of ourselves first. It is just so hard, I find myself doing everything to please my H just to keep him happy, he says he doesn't need this but i'm afraid if I don't he might become unhappy at home again.

I am thinking into looking into some counseling at least for myself.

Maia

Stillcrazy4him,

Thanks for all the support you have offered me. I always made fun of the men you would see on TV that would cheat on their wives while they were pregnant and usually in front of my H. Boy did I feel stupid when I found out he was doing the same. I often wonder what he thought when I would say stuff like that. Did he think I was a complete idiot or did he feel guilty.

I am sorry your supply is suffering because of all of this. I too wish to nurse untill one year and thankfully I was able to get mine back up. Have you tried the natural herb Fenugreek? A friend of mine reccommended that for me since my supply was almost gone at the end of Aug. and it seems to have worked. I sometimes think I should quit breastfeeding so that way I can have my body back for my H. One of his complaints or problems as to why he left was because while I was preggo our sex life went to nothing and now because I am nursing it makes things a little less fun in several ways, then I think to hech with him, right now my son is more important to me than he is.

That is how I caught my H I found a secret email account with emails to the other women, unfortunatly the ones she sent him were deleted. Thankfully though he had only sent her 3 emails but the stuff I found in them devastated me and I still know them word for word.

Maia

Yeah, I've tried everything. Herbs, oatmeal, peanut butter, brewer's yeast, Reglan. You name it I've tried it. So it may not be all his fault but right now I want to blame him.

Yeah, I know about the sex drive speech and the feeling weird messing with the "food" speech. And I too say to heck with him, because I'm doing what's best for our daughter. He is pro breastfeeding though just not him. : )

It's really helped me knowing that someone else is in a boat similar to mine. I'm glad I found this place. And if I can help you in any just let me know. I'll keep following your story and see how things are going. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />