I saw this on the DivorceBusting website. Anyone have any comments on it?

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forumlinks8.html

HW

I think it's an amazing approach ... it's not unlike Plan A (at least as I understand it).

How could you do this without getting trampled. Also, wouldn't doing this enable the affair, I mean they would be getting EN's met from both. Just curious. Not that I have the strength and the willpower to do this.
Ok 2Long, TMCM and Lexxy stop smiling <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

HM

I have the same question as happiness. This seems to enable WS to have the best of both worlds.

hw:

unconditional friendship is a very, very powerful "force." I can see this in my daily life. I truly AM ready 2 go this route if my W were 2 desire it, but I don't think she does, and it's because of the unconditional love I'm giving her (when I'm doing my best, that is!).

Look, we've said it before. You can't control your WW. You can't control anybody but yourself. You can't control the OM. Even your WW can't control him. So why try 2?

The alternatives are 2 make yourself and your WW crazy by blaming each other for what's happening 2 YOU (or her), not taking responsibility for your own happiness. Or, you can take responsibility for your own happiness and let your W take responsibility for hers. What will happen? In all probability, your M will be restored at some point. A very low possibility is that you will end up DVd and your W will marry the OM and they'll last 5 years (about a 3% chance, statistically).

By not "tough loving" your W, are you enabling? Not if you're clear that you have no intention of trying 2 control her and have taken responsibility for your own happiness (with the implication that, if she chooses OM, you'll be primed and ready for a new, healthy relationship). Let her think about that (a positive thing).

I think 2long summed it up great. The man in the post acted counter to instinct and let the affair unravel itself and he was there to scoop up his W when it did. He demonstrated time and time again why she fell in love with him in the first place.

I second that! Friends and family keep telling me I'm nut'z. So I ask them "So what exactly did your wedding vows mean to you? I didn't see any clauses or exeptions in the promises we made."

S&C

OK. I have some questions. This is a very beautiful story, a one of kind story. By no means am I saying that we should not be friends with our WS, but in reality, would you be friends with somebody who hurts you so much? Would you be friends with someone who seems to say "you're not worth it, the OP is?"

Maybe I am not at the stage of forgiveness yet. I am still being hurt by my W and right now I want the M to work more than anything else. So, what I am saying is that I am finding it hard to remain friends with her. This is a little contradictory for me because I am not struggling with the concepts of Plan A, yet I ask, how can I be friends with her?

Maybe I don't love my W (my heart and actions tell me I do), but sometimes I feel that if we don't reconcile why would I want to be friends with someone who's treated me so badly? Maybe it is all self-doubt stemming from all this rejection.

I feel I am not making a lot of sense. Who can make sense of all this? A little help, please?

UC,

First of all you make perect sense. Because I feel that way sometimes. But let me ask you some questions.

If you saw your W be hassled by a stranger would you interfer? If you saw she was being kidnapped would you try to do something about it? If she were addicted to drugs, to what extent would you go to save her and your family for the misery it would cause?

Let me focus on the attiction. BTW she is addicted you know. She's addicted to the allure of what a perfect relationship would be. Just like someone who is taking drugs is addicted to the high or calming effect it gives them. They don't understand the harm the addiction will cause. Now you there to try to take that away from them. All they see is the good they get from it. They are blinded by how good they feel and how powerful the attraction is. There is no reality in this fantasy. I'm not a drug counselor, but IMO I believe that addictions are broken one of two ways. Either the addictee understands, after seeing the harm it can do to someone else, and they deceide to quit cold turkey (or in MB terms "No Contact") or they have to ride out the addiction until it nearly kills them (or really does kill them). Hopefully, they start to learn along the way and see the wake of distruction left behind, they start wanting to come back. If, you as their friend/spouse have cut them off at some point they will not seek you to help them out. You are not a safe person for them. You have missed out on the chance that was provided to rescue them from the addiction. It's a rare case when a person gets out of the hold of an addiction on their own. They need friends that will be there for them. They need the person that said they will be there from them and love them "No Matter What".

Do you have kids (teenagers specifically)? Have they ever said anything to hurt you? They're still your kids aren't they and you still love them. Would you take a bullet for your W?

I hope you get my point. Yes, sometimes I think I'd rather take a bullet for my W than to go through this he!!. And quite honestly I don't understand how people can get through this without the strength of God helping them. I do know that I'm already a better man from this. Like I've said before. If my W finally understands and comes out of the fog to be my W again she's going to get one heck of a man. If my W does (after all this) decide to leave me and the Lord blesses me with a new Mrs. S&C, she's going to get one heck of man.

Does that make sense now?

Be blessed.

S&C

<small>[ October 24, 2002, 01:41 PM: Message edited by: steadfast and committed ]</small>

S&C, ummmmm.....WOW. I actually do understand. Yes, I know I would take a bullet for my wife. It is so hard to see beyond the pain they are causing and do the right thing. I am going to think a lot about this this weekend. I do not have my kids and will have a lot of time to ponder this. I am not sure I have the strength, but what do I have to lose?

HW

Hi there,

It's a wonderful story and I really admire this man for what he did. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

sorta got me thinking of "Mrs. Doubtfire."
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

take care
bb

UC ... the most inportant thing you can do right now is let go of your anger because it's not doing you any good, it doesn't harm your wife, and your child doesn't need to see it. The minute you let go and forgive YOURSELF you'll be free. Use this place to let go of your anger ... unleash the Taker. Don't do it in front of your wife if saving your marriage is your goal. My dad gave me some sage advice about two months ago: There's only one way this will work ... save yourself first to save your marriage. In other words, you can't fix your wife so don't try. You'll undermine what you want every time.