well I was suspicious for some time- the late night computer sessions, the distance (we haven't had sex in years), but I finally read my wife's e-mails. It was all there- "I miss you..." "I love you..." "I hope we get to make love..." She didnt deny any of it when confronted. Now after 13 years of marriage what am I supposed to do? Yes we have 2 kids as well. I still care about her, but part of me says Im a patsy for hanging around. She lead another life for a YEAR, while denying me emotional support and intimacy. No, Im not a saint and I know that. I was at times distant, and I made some significant career moves w/o her full consultation, so I'm sure she feels emotionally estranged. I have a notoriously short fuse as well, and am trying to work on this. I dont honestly know if I have the strength for this. I didnt think she was capable of this. Ive never felt more worthless or humiliated. What does one do with the images of them together!? Those damn e-mails keep going through my head. And is it over just b/c I found out?? I dont think it would be otherwise. rch

Rch,

Welcome to MB. It's great that you found your way here. There are many wonderful people that know how you feel. Please post; it's a great way to vent.

Hopefully you are reading the Basic Concepts on this website as well. The Harley Books are great. Surviving An Affair, His Needs/Her Needs, and Give & Take are my favorites.

There are good reasons for processing what's happened in your marriage. Regardless of whether or not my marriage survived; I felt that I needed to understand what part I played in the state of our marriage that allowed an affair to occur so that I could learn what to do differently.

Your emotions are intense right now; what we refer to as extreme "rollercoaster". At this point it's important to not make any big decisions. Read, vent here, and journal. This could help your perspective.

Sorry this has happened to you. It's devestating; but it's something that statistically marriages can survive; and if the right steps are taken you can have an even better relationship in the future. Blessings! CSue

I just ordered the book today (his/her needs). One of the biggies here is that she works w/ him. They are business partners. If I insist the business dissolve she probably never forgive me. But how the he** am I supposed to trust her?? I actually went to lunch with her lover (a "friend" of mine no less ?!) and he said he felt like dirt and it was the most reprehensible thing he'd done. I haven't told his wife b/c I can't see inflicting that on her, but that leaves me to bear this alone.

rchmd,
I'll let the others who have a lot more experience than me post, but I just wanted to add this.
Read everything here. From what I have read on this site and in a lot of posts, I think the OM's wife should be told. But I'll let the others jump in here too.

HM

<small>[ October 23, 2002, 04:42 PM: Message edited by: happinesswithin ]</small>

Rch,

How you've handled this so far is impressive. Your ability to be "mindful" of your response/actions will be to your benefit.

I don't know how to say this without it soundy tacky; but "trust" of your wife can't be possible right now.

HNHN is great book to start with. What's helpful about this website is that you'll be able to read from so many perspectives. Getting an understanding of other's situations helps when you see how they are relevant to yours.

Especially since you have children I am happy for your family that you are behaving so responsibily. How difficult that your W and the OM are partners. I am happy to hear he has remorse. This could be an opportunity for all of you for personal growth. CSue

Rch,

I remember how I felt at this stage of your situation. If I had it to do over again I would do a better job of avoiding "Love Busters". Until your book arrives read about Love Busters in the Basic Concepts section of this website.

Insisting that she disolve the partnership would be a love buster that is called "selfish demand". What's tricky about your situation is that in MB philosophy "No Contact" is paramount to the success of recovery. I would read about the "No Contact" part of Basic Concepts too.

Counseling with Steve Harley has been so incredibly beneficial to my husband and I; it's always what I recommend to people. I can't tell you the pain it has saved both of us; and it has hastened our recovery. It has minimized my opportunity to make mistakes.

Your situation is complicated with the fact that they are business partners. My hope for all of you is that he tells his wife himself. I can't imagine how he could avoid doing so. She's bound to notice something is going on. It will facilitate recovery for all of you if he does. CSue

Hello RCH,
I too am sorry you have to be here, but you came to a good place to get help.

CSue has some very good advice for you and I 2nd it.
1. Don't do anything for a while ( you know, like filing for divorce)
2. Read as much as you can here.
3. Learn to avoid love busters.

You haven't said what she ( WW) thinks about this, and if she wants to make things work. I am also not sure if it is completely over. If is over and she wants to work on it, you have a better chance than many that come here.

You are going to have mixed feelings for quite a while, it takes time for those images to go away, and it is not going to be easy. If you walk away, we won't fault you, but if you want to make it work, there are very good tools here. I second the suggestion to call the Harleys for counseling. They are very good at what they do, and you ( everyone here for that matter) could use the help.

"His needs, Her needs" is a very good book, I credit it and "Love Busters" for making a big difference in my own marriage. The first teaches the love bank concept, and how to make your spouse happy, the second teaches how to avoid beating her up emotionally.

The concepts taught here boil down to one simple thing ( and please note that simple is not the same as easy - thanks JL) That is, if you are nice to someone there is a much better chance of them liking you than if you are mean to them. I also recommend the book " Surviving an Affair." It will tell you what you can both do the next few months to survive the tornado of bad feelings that is engulfing you right now. Sometimes I feel like I sound like a shill for the Harleys but I can tell you that I came here and found this place just like you did, and it works.

I won't pretend that you are going to like the next few months. It won't be easy, probably it will be the most difficult thing you have ever done. I will promise that if you do try, if you make every effort, you will someday be very glad. On the one hand, you may save your marriage, on the other , you will know that you did every thing possible to save it and will have no regrets.

I don't know if you believe in prayer, but I am praying for your success.

SS

<small>[ October 23, 2002, 05:41 PM: Message edited by: still seeking ]</small>

Thanks for the replies guys; it really helps. As to the issues; yes she says she feels bad and wants it to work. This has "clarified" some things for her according to her. I asked her to think about unmet needs and issues and we would discuss them. As to WH, I dont think hes said anything and in fact is drinking quite a bit and avoiding the whole issue. While I dont think his wife deserves this, Im REAL uncomfortable bringing this up. I do think it would help everyone's recovery, but this is a sticky one. Im sure his wife must suspect something. And yes, I do believe in prayer- Im a card carrying Methodist. We got the name of a marr. couns. from our pastor (the one he used himself!). Ive also joined a health club (lost 20#!) to help me deal with excess stress. At least I can channel this into something good. I also know my being overweight didn't help in the sex/attraction dept. either. Anyway, WW seems sincere and I don't think I have much choice but to trust her if I want this to work. WH was (is??) a good friend and I do think he feels like cr** that I know and that he did this to all concerned.

I would really recommend the book SAA for both of you and I would recommend it for the other couple also.

There is a lot of dammage done to you but one of the worst things you will have to cope with is her guilt. You are the one wronged, and you have suffered a great deal of emotional damage, but what may hold you back the most is her problems and guilt. In order to heal, you will want extra love and kindness from her. She will be in withdrawl from the A and also have such great feelings of guilt that she won't be ablel to feel close to you for a time. Because of these things, she won't be able to give you all you need so that you will believe it will work. In other words, she will be so busy coping with her own terrible feelings (feelings that she won't understand) that she won't be able to help you much with your recovery. This normally causes a lot of resentment and is hard to get over.

For things to get better, you are going to have to get through this worst part ( where she doesn't help much) by force of will and faith. It will be easier if you know what will happen, that's why I suggest SAA.

The other big thing is that usually the BS (you) contributes to the conditions that lead to the A. I am not saying you caused it, but there are things we all could do to reduce the chances of it ever happening. You need to find what you can do to meet her needs and make your M affair proof. HNHN will help with that, but you should also work on LB's. ( you can print alot of this off the site, but the book is better, I know because LB'ing was my biggest problem.)

BTW, I recommend that you give the "friend" a set of the books, at least HNHN and SAA and tell him that if he will read them and talk to his W about it, they can A proof their marriage also. If he is working on it with his W, there will be much less chance that it will be ongoing, or that it will ever start again. You could say that you will give him 30 days to tell her, and if he does not, you are going to do it. His reading SAA (before he talks to her) will give him a much better chance for his M to surrvive.

This is just a suggestion, I can't make that choice for you.

The counseling, and the health club are good, I recommend you continue both.

I hope the information is useful. Please let us know how you are doing, we do care.
SS

<small>[ October 24, 2002, 04:18 PM: Message edited by: still seeking ]</small>

Was out of touch for a while, just got back. You guys really hit it on the head. Her guilt is going to be a big problem. It will certianly draw out the recovery process, but I guess Im "glad" she feels it in that it demonstrates she still values "us". I CERTAINLY know that I contributed to the problems-- the affair was the end result of a neglected relationship. I can be very selfish when things get stressful, as they have been lately. I tend to withdraw into myself and that's not a situation that leads to affection and sharing. Im calling a couns. today to set up an appt. The WH has been much more solicitous of his wifes opinions and generally seems to be happier, but I dont know what he's doing w/ regard to healing. I can't concern myself too much w/ this b/c Ive got my own stuff to deal with, but his ongoing efforts will help "safeguard" everyone.