I realized the last couple of days that I am succeeding in filling the love bank of my relatives and I am doing a specially good job of filling my son's (5 yrs old). When we talk he is so happy with me. I sent him a video of myself for him and he watches it over and over again. These love units are paying off big dividends. He makes me feel better.

In the case of my W, however, I don't seem to be getting anywhere. She still blames me for everything. Every time we talk she pushes my buttons until we end up fighting. The question for the veterans and experts is how do you deposit love units to a love bank that seems to be closed? Is it that I am not being patient? Is it that I don't actually see the deposit taking hold?

Any help is appreciated. For some reason, I am getting very few replies to my postings. Any advice on this as well is welcome. Thanks.

Hi UC,
The short answer is that we don't know if the bank is closed.

The long answer is.... well......long.
Often the closed sign is hung up, but the door is still open and you can also use the drive up.

You are trying to plan A from a distance (I think.) That is more difficult but it can be done. Does she take calls from you? Will she read e-mail? How often do you actually see her?
Have you done an EN questionair for her (because she probably won't do anything like this, you would fill it out for her, as if you were her.) Do you have a good idea of what her needs are?

If you can give us more information, we can offer suggestions.

AS to why you don't get much responses, I have never been able to figure out why some get lots, others fewer. But you have at least one.

SS

Thanks for your reply, SS.

I figured that much, but it is very frustrating that she won't talk to me and won't tell me what she's feeling. Last time I tried that, a couple of months ago, she told me I didn't know how to listen and I wasn't the right person to talk with.

She is in TX, I am in the midwest where we have lived the last 7 yrs. The OM is here as well and they haven't seen each other since May.

I am trying to not talk about the R with her and limit our conversations to matters regarding our son. We both notice that when we talk about the R, we end up fighting. I've asked her for a cooling off period before we proceed with the divorce. She tells me she's tired and wants it over with. Tells me, also, let's each go our own way and not have anything to do with each other (with the exception of our son). She's said some hurtful things like she wishes she had never met me and wishes I wasn't the father to her son among other things. Her anger and resentment are strong right now. Someone suggested that maybe she's acting that way because I'm on Plan A and she needs my confrontation to justify herself by saying "see, we can't communicate with each other, we always fight, we cannot live together." I am no expert with Plan A, so sometimes I slip.

I have a pretty good idea what needs I wasn't meeting but I should still print the EN questionnaire. It is hard to meet them now at a distance and especially because she's put up this impenetrable wall around her.

I haven't seen her since the end of August when we separated, but I am planning to spend a weekend soon in TX so I can see my son.

UC:

Have you tried plan A via email? Having time 2 compose your thoughts can be a real advantage compared 2 talking in person or on the phone. You can't get dragged in2 any argument you don't want 2 get dragged in2. And you SHOULDN'T want 2 get dragged in2 ANY argument. So, what do you do? Well, if she'll communicate via email, then you're in! Make sure you respond only 2 the positive things or the logistical things with your son. NEVER respond/react 2 any hurtful comments. Depending on how angry she is right now, you might also want 2 avoid any and all talk about your R. This is all difficult 2 do, particularly so "early in the game" but it is really the ONLY route 2 successful dialog and maybe someday reconciliation.

Another way to think of it...

Your Plan A includes little things you do to "improve youself". These might also be called 180's in Divorce Busting-speak. You do these things for you, but try to let her notice them also. Sort of being confident and strong, but also being honest that your feelings are being hurt.

This is like lobbing thought grenades up against her "wall" - that wall she's erected to protect herself and her "theories" about your M.

It's a strong wall, and so you should have no expectations about whether the grenades will blow a hole through the wall or not. Instead, the best you could / should hope for is that the wall begins to weaken.

Then with time and the natural death of the A, reality settles in and adds weight to her wall. If it's been weakened, there's a better chance that your Plan A will allow it to shatter. Sometimes Plan B adds that extra pressure to it also.

I would print the form, and fill it out. It helps to have it on paper to refer to when you get discouraged, and ..... I will explain more later....as I have to leave soon.

Pay close attention to what 2long, and J.R. say. They could be twin poster boys for how to do plan A correctly. ( well, 2long really screwed up at first, but he has repented and is doing a very good job.)

I'll try and come back later and give some concrete suggestions to make your plan work.

SS

UC:

SS is a very wise (although not all that old) man, UC!

"( well, 2long really screwed up at first, but he has repented and is doing a very good job.) "

I, 4 1, resemble that remark 2 a T!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Don't take the bait. She wants you to fight. Just like she chooses to blame you or like she chose to have an affair, you can choose not to fight.

UtterlyConfused, I do not think the bank is closed. I think someone could hate you, and you could still make love deposits in their bank.. bringing up that negative balance. Have you heard of killing someone with kindness? I know you have.

I know it is an endless battle we fight- especially when we find the ws in the deep deep fog. It is very very difficult to remain steadfast, true and loving- but that is the ansswer.

REFUSE to fight back. Say I am sorry you feel that way and get off the phone... do whatever you have to do to gracefully exit. Say I hope we can talk later. I am sorry you feel that way.

I know about the ws dragging me down into a fight.. or argument or lb session... WE HAVE to be the bigger person.. be CHRIST LIKE. It is very very hard, but it may save your marriage. It is not the norm, but will it make you a better person.. the answer is yes.

My challenge to me this month is 30 days NO LBS and no talk of ow, no talk of his mistakes, his problmes , no reasoning, just being nice and making things comfortable for him to feel safe around me and to see what he is missing.

I really see a big difference when I do not lb to him. I see it, when I am nice and kind and do nothing to offend or anger. It is sooo easy to start the digs... he has done so much wrong to me, and it is true. But I have mercy like the Lord has for me. I forgive 70x7 and that sounds like forever to me.

I forgive.

I hope and pray you will find the strength to be the bigger person. Do not look for a return or what is fair, look for God to love and shelter you and take care of you in this storm, he will.

Do not expect her to do what is right, right now... she can't... she is gone awry for now.. but there is hope..

Those deposits are slowly erasing the problems and withdrawl from you. Continued strength and kindness will show her you are changing and someone she is better off with now.

It is so hard to live through this. I know. You will find the strength within. If you do not have a church home I urge you to find one.

I also reccomend an awesome help group I have found... go to divorcecare.com and look for a church near you sponsoring the divorcecare program... it is wonderful and teaches you how to biblically deal with this mess.. and grow in Christ through it. He will hold you and help you be your strong and best self. This is where I am finding my strength, in Christ Jesus.

He believes in us, and sees us as our best. We are doing our best to reconcile our marriage and that is what he would haved us do.

I need to go ck on my kids, I hope i have helped a little. Sorry to be so strong about Christ, but then again I am not... I am so much stronger with him , and I hope you will be too (not saying you don't have him)- just hope you can feel the Lord and grow in him and his strength that he has for you in this time of trial.

Thanks and hope and hugs, HONEY

The response I am getting from all of you is incredible! I am also participating in the affairs-help.com forums and like I have often said there, any advice or words of encouragement make me feel acknowledged and that is pretty big for me right now. You all probably understand where I am coming from: it is not easy being rejected and especially when there is an OP involved. Your self-esteem is shattered. Thankfully, I have enough reserves so that it is not completely destroyed and plus my son is doing a pretty good job of replenishing it.

The e-mail is a pretty good idea. About a week ago I mentioned that to her but she still picked a fight with me last Saturday and Monday. I MUST do as I am advised and that is to validate her feelings, repeat them back to her as I understand them and say I'm sorry you feel that way and STOP there. If I am beginning to feel like I will become argumentative, then I should tell her I have to go. I just need the strength to carry this out.

A few weeks ago at church I had a revelation that I should leave all this in God's hand and that I should not interfere with His work. I really believe I've done all I can with her. I must really concentrate on myself, controlling my emotions when I talk to her, constantly depositing love units and avoiding, at all costs, LBs. That's clear in my head, but it is harder to convince my heart who's so afraid of losing her for good. I have faith in God and this has made my faith stronger, but I am still afraid. I recognize that this may mean that I do not yet have total faith in Him. What's clear to me is that no matter what happens, He will take care of me. His preference is that the M works out, but He respects and loves us so much, He allows her free will to do as she chooses. I must do the same. I have to learn to let go without losing hope.

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Hi UC,

There are things you can do long distance. As 2long mentioned, e-mail is a good one. If she won't talk to you, and she uses it, you can still contact her.

I was going to write some specific things but I noticed that espoir wrote it all out on another thread, so I am going to refer you to it. She was giving advice to a gal, but almost all of it applies to you. Here is the link, go down to espoir's post on oct 24th, 1:14 pm.
espoirs advice on plan a from a distance.

If W complains that you are bothering her, say you will back off some, and only mail her half as much. In other words, push it close to the limit of what she will stand. If there is any thing in that other post you have questions about, ask away.

SS

<small>[ October 24, 2002, 03:48 PM: Message edited by: still seeking ]</small>

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