Please help,

Here is the scoop I am a MM, have had a difficult marriage, money, intimacy, children, all have caused chaor and tension... My W and I went to MC a few years ago and I made progress, she didn't. After a few years of counseling the MC said there was nothing she could do for us anymore, and we ceased MC. Druing the counsleing I went from feelings of apathy back to love. But MW didn't, she was still numb. I was in love with someone that didn't love me and it ripped me apart.

A few years back I had an affair, I couldn't handle the rejection. The affair is over, it's been over and all contact has ceased. There has been no face to face contact for almost 2 years, there has been no communication (email/phone) for 6 months.

My wife and I are trying to get help marriage help again through our Church. we have recently joined a local Church. Our marriage is still troubled but improving.

I do not want to admit the affair. I love my wife and children very much. I kick myself every day for what I've done, I kicked myself most days during the affair. I am petrified if I admit the affair my wife will just throw me out which would devastate me.

I regret what I've done, I would never be so stupid again and don't know what else to say, Every day I live with this horrendous mistake, brokeness and fear...

frozbat43 ,
first of all welcome to the MB.
From what I have read, you are very frustrated and scared. I understand. I think that you have made a very wise step to come here and get help.

My suggestion would be the following:

Have your wife join in on MB. Let her learn and understand the MB principes. Let her either look into in on the computer or print out a few things and go through them together with her.
Show her your deep concern and express your feelings. Find out what her EN'S are and fullfill them!!!!!!!!!! But don't let too much time pass.
When it comes to "Radical Honesty and opening up" then confess to her!!! Tell her everything!!! This is going to be a very hard and hurting situation, I am aware. But is is the only "right" thing you can do to make you marriage work in a truely positive manner.
She will be hurt, yes!!! She will be devasted, yes!!!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I do not want to admit the affair. I love my wife and children very much. I kick myself every day for what I've done, I
kicked myself most days during the affair. I am petrified if I admit the affair my wife will just throw me out which would
devastate me.

I regret what I've done, I would never be so stupid again and don't know what else to say, Every day I live with this
horrendous mistake, brokeness and fear... </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I can imagine that you don't want to admit the mistake you have made. But you made this mistake and you have to stand up for what you did!!! Otherwise you shouldnt of done it.
I know, you feel bad and I can imagine how scared you are. I believe that you regret and wish that you could turn back time. But what happened cannot be changed. It happened.

As a BS, I have learned to live with that and I have learned to accept that I cannot change the past, no one can. I can only change myself. I can stop doing things that are negetive and that will upset my partner.

You might consider telling her in a letter. But I would for sure tell her!!! If you keep this for yourself you will not be giving your marriage the possiblity of "radical honesty". Your marriage will always be based on a lie. Do you really want to kick yourself everyday for the rest of your life.
If you knew that your marriage could become better than ever and if you knew that your W as many other BS would want your marriage to work and become better, wouldn't you try???Wouldn't you tell her the complete truth and then at last feel better about yourself because you are being honest.
I'm sure that if you were positive about this you would tell her immediately, wouldn't you?

Well believe me, the chances that she will throw you out and get divorced immediately are slight. Very slight. Due to the fact that you are aware of your mistake and that you are willing to give what it takes makes the situation even better for you.

Many BS in MB have made the experience that the betraying spouse does not want to give any effort at all. They regret nothing and the BS lives through $ell and yet they are not giving up!!!!
Even in these situations you can read about success stories.

I'm not saying that telling her is going to be easy. NO, it isn't and it's going to be terribly painfull. You too will experience what we in recovery have went through.
But believe me, if you love your wife and if you are willing to give your 100%, you will someday be very prowd of yourself and you will feel your best. Your wife will look up to you and she will believe in you again.

Not telling your wife will lead to complete unhappiness. Your life will drag along. Your wife probably already knows that something is wrong. Her intuition is telling her this.
Do you want to have this situation for the rest of your life???? Do you want to live with guilt all your life?? Do you want to live with the thought it could of all changed to the positive if she only knew, if you had only been honest??

Sometimes we need a "wake up" call so that we change things. An affair is always a "wake up" call!!!!!!!
So either way, it is up to you. You can stay unhappy and your marriage might end up with getting divorced or your wife might have an affair. Or you can just stay unhappily married for the next ++years always feeling bad about yourself. You will never again be able to be totally honest in your marriage. The longer you wait, the worse it will get. The lie will eat you up slowly but surely and your wife will never know your true feelings.

Or you can open up and be honest. Your marriage will then have the chance to grow and become stronger than ever. It will be based on honesty and truth. You will be able to feel good about yourself again and your life will move into positive directions. Your wife will have the chance to decide what she wants. The fact that you are telling her is also very positive. The day will come and she will find out anyways, even if you think this is not possible. Believe me it is.

take care
bb

Frozbat:

I can understand you not wanting to tell your wife. You must be terrified. But the guilt sounds so much worse. As I posted on a related thread my H told me. At 2am in the morning on Feb 12. To make a long shorter, my H had picked a fight and then said my head was in the sand. My reply was that if it was in the sand then he shoved it there....he then turned his back (in bed) and started crying. I turned and hugged him as I always do. And then I asked "Did you have an affair?" I don't know why I asked that...he hid it pretty well and our living circumstances helped keep 2 lives separate. I still hear him say yes. I still hear how he said her name (coworker I had met). He said it knowing it would break my heart. And although it transferred a burden to me, it opened him up to healing bc he did not carry it alone anymore. By telling me he was saying that he was wanting to end the A and work on us. That it was me and our M that he truly wanted. But that he couldn't do it alone.

It sounds like your wife is trying to make your M work. But doesn't she need all of the pieces/knowledge that you are armed with in order to make an honest go of it? One thing in your favour is that it is over and has been for some time. In my case we had to struggle with continued contact for several more months before true recovery could begin.

Please keep posting. I show this site to my H and it would help him to see that there are others that are experiencing what he is.

AG

A couple of things.
1. I'm thinking of going to my paster first for help, I'm scarred
2. statistically speaking the odds are that things will work?
3. Why do you BS keeping give it another chance?
TY

frozbat43 ,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> 1. I'm thinking of going to my paster first for help, I'm scarred
2. statistically speaking the odds are that things will work?
3. Why do you BS keeping give it another chance?
TY </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">1. I believe that you scared and I truely understand. I think this would be a good idea. Do it.

2.Statistically things do work out, yes.

3.As a BS I gave us another chance because I love my H. I didn't just want to throw away everything without giving it another try. Even thought this was the worse mistake he ever could of made, I wanted our marriage to work again. I was willing to give my 100%.
I have never regreted my decision. Since the day I found out, we were able to work on our marriage and recover.

take care
bb

It might be good to tell her, but I would be cautious about it. I think a good start is to introduce her to MB principles, try to work on your marriage. Ask her if she's interested in trying to create a mutually satisfying or even thrilling M with you.

Don't beat yourself up too much about the A. You have to give yourself some credit. You ended it, you didn't leave your wife, and you are trying to improve your M. Is she participating in the MC with you?

Do you have kids? A powerful motivator to work things out!

We have 3 kids, 1 from her 1st marriage 2 from our marriage.

The reason I'm scared is after years of MC (the first time), she still didn't think she did anything wrong. She felt all our problems were my fault. For the years of MC I gave it an honest shot and got nowhere, after my moving from apathy back to good old fashioned love she was still numb, it was agonizing for me, (I know it's no excuse, I'm just trying to vent a little)

Even now, I still want it to work but am not sure how she will feel. She never forgave me for little petty annoying things, how will she ever forgive this. She is unable to forgive.

We started to go through LB with Church friends, one night I was reading LB and I flipped through the pages and saw the Chapter about Infidelity. And thought, sheesh, I have to go through this? why do I have to fess up? I ended the A. I'm doomed.

I know I'm beating a dead horse, I know what I must do, I have no courage. I curse the day I got involved in the A. Make no mistake I blame no one but myself, not the OW, not my BS, noone.

You folks are giving me the courage to go to my paster. You folks will get me through the rest (whatever that may be), right?

frozbat43 ,

you better believe you butt off that we will be here for you!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />
Hey you are talking to a woman that has been throught this!!! It hurts, you are right but I have went through it and I'm alive.
And believe me, this will also be a "wake up" call for your wife.

I believe that you are going the right direction. You are showing "remorse" and you want your marriage to work.
You have stopped the affair and you want to be honest. You regret what you have done.

I can really put myself into your shoes. I'd be scared to $hit also. I really would, but do you really want to live with this for the rest of your life????

You are saying that there are things that make you sad. There are things that you and your wife are going to have to work on to make the both of you feel good and comfortable with one another. You both have emotional needs.

The most important thing is "radical honesty" and you want to do it!!!! I believe that many BS here would do anything in the world just knowing that their WS is being honest and wanting to work on their marriage.

Just another thought:
My H told OW that if I ever found out about the affair, it was going to be hell. I would try to ruin him finacially and it was going to be a very tough fight. I would freak out and throw him out!!!
I would be the "devil" in person!!! He too was petrified and believed he knew how my reaction was going to be.
He and OW were prepared for the worse. OW had even told my H that she had an empty appartment for my H when this might happen. (OW was married too and she lived with her H but she had an empty appartment at her parents house)
I just didn't happen. My reaction was everything but just nothing of what they had thought.
My H thought that I was "unable" to forgive too, but what did he know???
Talk to your pastor, I'm sure this will make you feel better. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

take care
bb

One more question.

I read these passages in another thread on MB. All the words of encouragement seem almost meaningless afterward.

Hebrews 13:4 "Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and the sexually immoral.

Proverbs 6:32-35 "But a man who commits adultry lacks judgement; whoever does so destroys himself. Blows and disgrace are his lot, and his shame will NEVER be wiped away; for jealousy arouses a husbands fury, and he will show no mercy when he takes revenge. He will not accept any compensation; he will refuse the bribe, however great it is.