Just got off the phone with a good friend of mine who's wife is a friend of WW's. He was explaining to me that WW had called his wife and was telling her that I am calling all of her friends and all of her family and turning them all against her.
First, let me say that I have talked to her family and to "our" friends. But, I have probably received just as many phone calls "from" them as I have made. I love my wife, I have never said anything derogatory about her. I told my friend on the phone today, "tell me what I could say to her family and friends that would turn them against her." There isn't anything except the truth. That is the problem. She has lied and only told them half of the story. She told my friends wife that she was not talking to OM until things are settled with our marriage. Not even close to the truth. She had asked to have one of her friends watch our oldest while she was gone to see OM, and said she had to work. I didn't even have to say anything b/c this person knew she was lying.
Lexxxy, if your reading this, I know this is only my side of the story. My questions is, how can she blame me for turning her friends and family against her when I don't think there is any way I could, or would even want to.
I believe the Harleys say that when the affair is confirmed that family and friends should be told. I didn't even do this. The truth came out because they (her friends and family) didn't believe her story and they asked me. I am not going to lie to them about anything. I can honestly say that anything that has been told to anyone has been the truth. Which is hard, b/c it is embarrasing and hurts to say it. By the way, she told 2 of her sisters about OM, before I knew about him. Everyone has told me they are not taking sides. I don't think her friends have deserted her b/c of me, they have deserted her b/c they thought she was a friend and she hasn't been honest with them. It hurts them and her family.
I asked our friends, point blank, if I am treading on her friendship with them to tell me. They have ALL told me that that is their decision and that they always felt I was their friend too. Am I wrong to ask for the support of our friends and family. I don't want people to dissown her, but I think that would have happened even if I was in hiding for the last 2 months. Eventually the truth would come out, right?

HW

Questions or Comments?

HW

<small>[ October 24, 2002, 05:08 PM: Message edited by: happinesswithin ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by happinesswithin:
<strong>My questions is, how can she blame me for turning her friends and family against her when I don't think there is any way I could, or would even want to.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It's a very common WS tactic. Avoid responsiblity for your actions by blaming your spouse. It's easier to justify bad behaviour when you can say that it's someone else's fault and they 'drove you to it'. I think you are in good company here <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> most of our WS or FWS tried this one!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by happinesswithin:
<strong>
I am not going to lie to them about anything. I can honestly say that anything that has been told to anyone has been the truth. Which is hard, b/c it is embarrasing and hurts to say it.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Nor should you lie. There has been enough deceit and manipulation going on. The truth may hurt but, in the long run it has to happen for this situation to resolve itself. You have nothing to be embarassed about. Unfortunately, your situation is not uncommon. Don't be afraid to talk to people and tell them what is going on. You need the support of friends and family now more than ever. Plus, most A's have a tough time surviving when brought out into the open.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by happinesswithin:
<strong>

Am I wrong to ask for the support of our friends and family. I don't want people to dissown her, but I think that would have happened even if I was in hiding for the last 2 months. Eventually the truth would come out, right?
HW</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">As I said before, you need all the support that other's can give you. It will make all the difference in the world. You have no control over what other people will or won't do in this situation. If other's decide that they can no longer have a relationship with your WW that is their choice, not yours. Realize that this choice is not your fault and don't let anyone make you believe otherwise.

Sometimes the truth comes out, sometimes it doesn't. In your case, it has. now the question is...what are you going to do about it? Are you seeing an IC? Are you in plan A? Are you getting the support from friends and family that you need? Can you accept that you CAN'T change or control other people? They must do that for themselves. The only person you can change is yourself. You can make yourself a better person, in spite of this A. You can educate yourself about A's. You can come out of this a stronger, happier, wiser and healthier person.

Thanks, mgm. I am seeing an IC. I am working on myself. I was thinking the same thing, but as always came here to see if I wasn't in the "fog", lol.
Thanks for your reply.

HW

TMCM: Can I have my ebony 2x4 back?

HW:

Here goes, better duck!:

"Just got off the phone with a good friend of mine who's wife is a friend of WW's. He was explaining to me that WW had called his wife and was telling her that I am calling all of her friends and all of her family and turning them all against her."

This isn't unsual. It IS fog, but it's not unusual. You might ac2ally calm yourself down quite a bit by ac2ally EXPECTING this for a while.

"First, let me say that I have talked to her family and to "our" friends. But, I have probably received just as many phone calls "from" them as I have made. I love my wife, I have never said anything derogatory about her. I told my friend on the phone today, "tell me what I could say to her family and friends that would turn them against her." There isn't anything except the truth. That is the problem. "

No, it isn't the problem. Look, let's assume you're doing a good job and not LBing your W AT ALL when you talk 2 her or respond 2 her emails. NOW you MUST do the same with her family! Basically, remove ALL handles she can grab and blame you for her decisions and the consequences thereof. You said you love your W. Tell your family and friends THAT. Stop talking about what a liar she is. You'll get nowhere.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">TMCM: Can I have my ebony 2x4 back?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It's on it's way via overnight delivery.

I just purchased a bullwhip made out of kangaroo hide that i'm just dying to try out on HW.

Hi HW.

An essential ingredient to keep an A going and eventually turning it into an open relationship, is the lie. Deep down inside, she knows that family and friends will accept her if she divorces you, but she is not so sure about them accepting her OM at all if they know that he is her lover and responsible for helping to destroy her M and family. Therefore the lie is an essential ingredient for her to get them to accept OM as her 'good friend' that has 'supported her' thru this ordeal. Well guess what? by telling the truth to family and friends about her A with OM, you just shot all her chances to lie to them to eventually accept him, out of the water. So do you now see why she's so royally pissed at you?

As far as her A is concerned, you have nothing to be ashamed off by telling the whole world the truth. In fact by not exposing the truth about her A and OM, you are actually aiding and abetting the A.

Now don't make me come after you with my virtual kangaroo hide bullwhip to knock some sense into ya.

TMCM:

I hope I didn't give the impression that I thought HW shouldn't tell the truth about the A. What I think is important is that he NOT allow his and her family 2 interpret this truth 2 mean that she's a "bad person" or even that she's doing "bad things." She's certainly confused, no doubt about it, but she's still his W, and she's still a person that deserves 2 be happy. It's just 2 bad that she believes, at the moment at least, that the "happiness" she feels with this OM is in any way real or anything more than ephemeral.

<small>[ October 25, 2002, 03:10 PM: Message edited by: 2long ]</small>

<small>[ October 25, 2002, 03:10 PM: Message edited by: 2long ]</small>

<small>[ October 25, 2002, 03:10 PM: Message edited by: 2long ]</small>

2Long

A quadruple post? something technical is obviously not responding as it should, oh well technology will have it's glitches I suppose.

As far as the content of your post is concerned, it never entered my mind when I responded to HW about why revealing the truth about his WW's A and her OM to family and friends, should not make him feel bad despite his WW's accusations that he is destroying her relationship with them. Unless proven otherwise, my tendency is to give people the bennefit of the doubt, so rest assured that I did not think that you were telling HW to not tell them the truth. And I agree with you that HW should emphasize to those folks that he is doing his best to repair his M and for them to help him by NOT cutting their ties with her. I should have (like you did) emphasized this point because it is a very, very important one indeed.

Yeehaa! I love this kangaroo hide bullwhip of mine.