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#1035612 10/24/02 03:58 PM
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I keep reading and reading and reading and I long for my WS to react as some of you do. When do you reach that point? H says he's sorry for all the things he has done but he doesn't seem to want to put anything into the love bank or work on the EN's I have. I have repeatedly told him what I want from him but he says those things aren't him but they used to be but he doesn't seem to remember. Does that make sense. I need more action than talk which he says he's going to show me that he's tired of talking but he doesn't show me. Is he really not ready to change his ways. Maybe addicted to the lies and deceit he has lived for several years now? Doesn't know how to truly let go? Do I stay here and let him do what he wants? My plan is to become my own person who can stand on their own two feet and survive without him whether we are together or not. Is this right or wrong? I have poured so much of my heart and soul and being into WH that I don't know who I am or how to exist without him.

#1035613 10/24/02 04:36 PM
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A WS reaches that point when they are ready to face reality and wake up and smell the coffee. As long as they are in la la land about life and their A's, they are unreachable it seems.

I was lost in space, out of control, had no idea right from wrong. My H basically saved me when he busted me out, came down hard on me and gave me a last chance to change or hit the road. It killed him to do this but he had to and it basically saved my life and made me the person I am today. Had he not done this, and confronted me and took such a stand, I would have probably ended lost forever. So long as you accept what your H is doing, then he will keep doing, only when you have THE TALK with him, can it start to change.

The talk is confronting him with what you know to be FACTS, not assumptions. Telling him to do the NC letters. That he has a choice to show you he can change by consistant and rock solid behavior so that you can rebuild trust. There is a ton more. You both have to face what weakness you bring to the relationship. You both have to come together to know what needs are not being met. You both have to be the best people you can be by focusing on yourselves and working hard to change.

If you are paranoid, have no confidence, self esteem or self respect and don't love yourself. How can you love someone else and respect them. You have to take care of YOU. You have to be the best person you can be. You have to change the damaging things about your personality that may be driving someone away. You have to find what those are and try to change them for the better.

Its so hard but its worth it. But the key is start with you first. I already hear you are afraid to leave due to no money, no place to go. You don't have to go, you don't have to leave home or your marriage you just have to work on it.

Yes, sometimes its hard to face the music of what a spouse is up to. It can be in your face but you are afraid to accept that its happening because then it becomes real and you have to deal with it but what is the other option?? To live like you are today which is clearly not healthy and clearly depressing the holy living you know what out of you. Its no way to live. You don't deserve that. You deserve to be happy with yourself and in life. You deserve to be strong enough to face any challenges that come your way. Without self esteem, confidence, love of who you are, you can't do that. Trust me.

I ramble I know but I feel your pain. Its so sad to me. You have the power to do anything you want and change anything you don't like. Don't let fear stop you. Fear is so crippling it sucks the life out of you. Face fear in the smack in the face and risk it. What have you got to lose? You are already so sad? The only place you can go is UP.

As a WS that was my focus. I hit such a low point in my life. Such a dark place that there was no where for me to go but up to the light and that is what I did. Step by step, tears and cries and hard work, I got there and I am still getting there. Its a constant job. Its not going to be all better and the life is a party. Its work for the rest of your life. Its a job I will never give up because its worth it!

Respect YOU. Love YOU. Take care of YOU. Be the best you can be for you and the rest will come to you. If you project being insecure, paranoid and all that, people and your H will draw away from you. Its a fact. Its hard to get to the good place but start today and little by little you will get there. I promise
Hope this helps you some
Zoey

<small>[ October 24, 2002, 04:38 PM: Message edited by: Zoey ]</small>

#1035614 10/24/02 04:50 PM
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Thanks Zoey!!!!!! You have truly been a God send for me! Today is my day. I am working on me for the first time. To become the person I want to be and who people can be proud of. You're insight has helped me tremendously. Thanks!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

#1035615 10/24/02 05:42 PM
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Your Welcome!

I know you have it in you. I can hear the bright shining star inside you screaming to get out. Let it out. You can do it. I know you can.

And when you do and you really work hard on you. I promise once you feel good you will project this and he will wonder what the heck is going on and he will think twice about what he is doing.

Keep me posted.
Zoey


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