I have been visiting the MBsite for the past 18 months. I find this site to be an unique place where both BSs and WSs can share their feelings, pain and disappointments as well as seek support for rebuilding their M as the very name implies. I have not posted much.

I am a WS in our +27 Years of marriage. I disclosed to my wife during March 2001 about two ONS I had involving two ladies (in 1981 & 1989) while being out of town. The disclosure was done under compelling circumstance.

My wife is a wonderful person and I am indeed very grateful to her for all her love, care and support she has bestowed on me. She is completely shattered by these disclosures and undergoing constant pain, disappointment, anguish and sorrow.
She has refused to either seek professional help or to even discuss the issue with anyone outside our immediate family ( our two grown up children)and one very close elderly relative.

We are trying to rebuild our realtionship which was shattered by the disclosure of my past misdemeanours. She continues to say that she can neither forget the incidents of such gross betrayals nor prepared to forgive me for these.

According to her, my infedility ( comprising of two specific EMS - ONS) does mean:-

- There was no real love in our M?

- Complete and permanent rejection of my spouse?

- By seeking "SF" outside M meant M was Farce ?

In spite of my best efforts I have not being able to convince her that her above assumptions are not correct and that I loved her in the past, still love her and will continue to love her till death does part us.

My EMS' were due to lack of my control of my urges and I sincerely regret these. I have told her I am prepared to take any amount of punishments for these and would like her to forgive me if only she can. I also know that notwithstanding my past misdemeanours, she has feelings for me and still cares for my welfare. But she is too proud to admit this.

I request more knowledgeable MBers to kindly provide me some answers to my above questions raised by my wife.

ASH

Would really appreciate some response from experienced MBers like Orchid etc. Many thanks.

Ash,
I may not be as experienced as Orchid or the others but here is my story and the way I handled forgiveness towards my H. I am the BS.
I've been here for over 2 years now. I have learned a great deal from the very supportive people here. I know her pain, my H didn't only have a couple of ONS he had 3 A's. One EMA, one PA which just included flirting and kissing and one full blown PA which lasted for 15 months. Talk about devastation. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> We are now married 28 years. At the time of the A's, I would say they started around 7 years ago and ended on D-day which was June 29, 2000, we were married for approx. 21 years. And not only did he have sex with the crotch cricket, but I also caught something from her <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> . And I, like you, love my husband very much. We have 4 children and 2 grandchildren. He was and still is (thank GOD) my White Knight. Unfortunately, he felt he had to be everyone else's also. He had low self esteem and their attention just made him feel like he was Superman. It hurt, it hurt like hell, it STILL hurts and I wanted to dump him right away. Hell, my needs weren't being met and I didn't cheat. He was the social butterfly, out and about all the time. Getting more needs met then me, thats for sure. I didn't know what to do. I was so angry, hurt, sick, sorry, disgusted...... you think of all the adjectives and they all fit. But I didn't. I had to really think long and hard, and I did and here is what I came up with.
Do you take your vows seriously? For better or worse. If you do, then look at this as the worse. You made a bad decision. I hate when people call it a mistake, <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> because a mistake is unintentional... when you did this you had every intention of doing it so it is NOT a MISTAKE. However, it was a very very bad decision. One that is very expensive in terms of pain, emotion, trust, etc. Then I asked myself: Have you ever made a BAD DECISION? I mean one that you really felt remorse for and regret? And after you did, did you ask GOD for forgiveness? Did you feel better purging your remorse and opening up yourself to GOD hoping that he would forgive you, actually, knowing that he would if you believe the Bible? Then I thought,how would I feel if after I prayed and left my prayer session feeling like GOD said "NO.... sorry, but I'm not going to forgive you. I just can't. I'm going to move on to someone that will love me more and not hurt me and follow my word more perfectly. Sorry, but you have not." How would that make me feel? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> Lonely, abandoned, more sorry then ever probably because I knew I failed and was baring my naked soul before GOD humbling myself because of my transgression, but empty because HE said HE would not forgive me. That's how I felt when I finally realized how I was treating my H because of HIS bad decision. And then, praying one day I came to this realization, how can I not forgive him for what happened when GOD promises to forgive us if we are truly remorseful. Then I remembered the Lord's Prayer. It is very specific. "And forgive us our trespasses as we FORGIVE THOSE WHO TRESPASS AGAINST US. GOD says if we cannot forgive those who trespass against us then he will not forgive us. That scared me. The thought of GOD not forgiving me for any sins great or small (in HIS eyes a sin is a sin) woke me up to the realization that it is GOD who will decide if he is to be forgiven for what he did. Not me. I just had to learn to live with it. Accept it or reject it. That simple. And that's when our VOWS come in to play. We took them before GOD and our families and friends. I didn't want to be breaking a vow I took before GOD. I was afraid HE would not forgive me. I believe that once you truly give it to GOD, HE will help you forgive. You like my H,are very very remorseful, and sorry. And want to do everything you can to help make it better. TURST ME, I'm sure you know how bad you screwed up and I'm sure you'll never FORGIVE YOURSELF for hurting your wife and your marriage. You're probably beating yourself up enough for the two of you. At least that's what my husband said to me. He said he will carry this for the rest of his life. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />
Let me give you another example..... She's walking down the street. She happens to look to the ground and sees a rolled up wrinkled, dirty, damaged $50 bill. Now mind you, its been in dirty hands, been kicked all over the place, its damaged and you know money, its one of the dirtiest things around right. Would she just leave it there or would she pick it up and be happy that she found it? If she's like most people I'm sure she would pick it up and be happy that she found it..... WHY..... Because even thou its dirty, on the ground, damaged, kicked around etc. IT STILL HAS ITS VALUE. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Now, I viewed him my H as dirty, disgusting, damaged goods because of his A's, but until I looked at it in this light I didn't see his value because I was still so hurt and angry. To me he lost his value because he was dirty, disgusting, damaged goods so to speak. But I knew in my heart how very wrong I was. I was just hurt and angry. Every human being has value, and this man has always been very good to me. I haven't worked in 28 years, he has taken care of me in every way. And then I realized that I love my H more than money (hell, if I could pick up a dirty $50 bill and still see its value, dirty, damaged, or whatever else it was,) then I realized that YES even thou he hurt me and our family and our marriage, he STILL had VALUE, he just had to prove himself to me again. And he has been doing that since June 29, 2000. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> He has not wavered or fallen, he tells me where he is all the time, calls me and tells me he loves me, and we both spend all our spare time together now. It can be fixed, and it can be beautiful again. It just takes a lot of work and patience and love. And not to mention tears. But it can be done and it can be better then before. Trust me, I'm living proof. I wish you luck ASH and maybe if she's sees things in this light, it will change her heart. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />
Good luck and GOD BLESS

What your wife needs to learn is that forgiveness is for her, not for you. When she forgives, then she lets go of the heavy burden she's been carrying around. It will make her life so much easier. I know sometimes us BS feel like if we forgive, then we are saying that the A was ok and that makes us feel angry,its like the WS are getting away with sometimes terrible. But once you learn the true meaning of forgiveness, then you understand that thats not what your doing at all. You are just freeing up your heart to love again.

To trynhard...just wanted to say what a lovely post, i will definetly think about what you say when i think about my H's A...thanks..A/C0810

Ash: I am not as experienced as Orchid but would like to give you a little bit of input anyway and take it for all it's worth.

I certainly hope that your wife will find it in her heart to forgive you. Throughout my XH and my marriage all I ever wanted from him was honesty. But he couldn't give me honesty during his affair because he supposedly didn't want to hurt me. Anyway, my point is. If you are truly remorseful and mean everything you say then with some counseling you should be able to work together at your marriage. After 2 yrs of my situation eating me up alive and not being able to think of hardly anything else I am truly working very hard at forgiving my XH for his decisions in life. It's not easy but I had always wanted for him to show me some remorse or regret but to me he never has. He says different but his actions always spoke louder than words. Good luck Ash and I hope your wife can find it in her heart to forgive you even though I know how she feels.

Trynhrd, I just wanted to say that your post was wonderful and I am going to be posting w/ a question of my own here in a little bit and would love to hear your reply. Sounds like you might have some words of wisdom I need to hear.