hi all,

i thank you for all your support. i hope i was one tenth as supportive to at least one of you as you all were to me.

i saw the baby on the sonigram(sp?). i melted. i loved it(weird huh considering it's 95% probability of not being mine ). but nevertheless, i realized right then and there that i Could and certainly WOULD love this baby as my own if the situation turned out that way. i consequently had an epiphany. i will not allow myself to get attached to a baby that i will "maybe" raise, and maybe not raise. that sent the wheels turning in my lil pea brain. what i came up with is.......

i spent an hour and a half logically pointing out the situation to her. i asked her questions, slowly proceding towards my ultimatum. questions like:

when i asked you yesterday in church, "am i gonna lose you?", and you said "no, no, NO!" and then hugged me, does he ask the same question? and if so, what is your response to his query?

she said, "yes he does, and my response was, "I'm not sure" in the begining of the A and now it is "i am not ready to lose you yet".

I asked, "does that mean you know you will come to me eventually?"

she replied, "in the back of my head i know that to be the truth, but i am still confused. and i still feel like i'm not ready to give him up yet"

I asked, "it seems like you are not confused, just selfish. you seem to know what is going to happen, which counts out confusion. your actions point to the fact that it just feels too good right now to stop, and maybe you are "milking" the deadline for all its worth. I have told you how much you hurt me through this, and that everytime you talk to him or see him it wreaks havoc with my senses. you say you don't mean to hurt me, but the cold facts are that you are hurting me, and to the core. do you believe and understand this ideology?

she became deathly silent.

i persisted.

she patronisingly responded, "Yes ok, yes, but i am not hurting you on purpose, and never had that intention from the start!!!"

i explained that she knew it would hurt me before she did it, and that she certainly knows it in the more recent past. i have told her many times and have even gone to the point of detailing why i have the excrutiating pain, and what she specificly does to cause it. yet she still persists in seeing him.

i asked her if he is getting "fed up"?

she said he gave her a must decide date of Nov. 2. that is his birthday.

feeling like this may be a never ending saga, and knowing the baby is not something i want to love now and then not have later, and knowing that everytime she talks to him on the phone or sees him physically it kills me internally to the point of wretching uncontrolably and bleeding from my mouth and nether regions, and knowing that she had a pattern of adultry before this time, and knowing that i was doing all the reconciliation work and she was participating when and where she pleased, i decided on a drastic measure after getting out of the conversation to think it through.

i knew that she and he had plans of seeing each other this weekend. i explained to her that i was not here to attack her or to berate her in any way. i am here to help her and us become a famaily again. logically, there is no other conclusion for my presence. i told her that it is time for her to act. no more talk. if this marriage is important enough to HER(not just me) then she will not see him again. she will come to me with HER plan of reconciliation. if i find out she has seen him, i will not be here for her, or offer my hand of reconciliation to her again. i am through waiting patiently. i will not have a wife that is blatantly hurtful and ungodly. if it is important enough for her to "sacrifice" the relationship with him, and she has a true desire to get us back to a loving husband wife relationship, then i will more than happilly join her in that venture. if any other result happens, i must realise that our reconciliation can and would never work if i am the only enthusiastic partner.

no real questions, just venting. helps me to pass the time of my last "waiting period".

Hebrews 13:4 "Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and the sexually immoral.
Proverbs 6:32-35 "But a man who commits adultry lacks judgement; whoever does so destroys himself. Blows and disgrace are his lot, and his shame will NEVER be wiped away; for jealousy arouses a husbands fury, and he will show no mercy when he takes revenge. He will not accept any compensation; he will refuse the bribe, however great it is.

Patty, never forget this, the one you underlined in my Bible:
Php. 1:6 "being confident of this, that He who began a good work in you will be faithful to complete it until the day of Christ Jesus."

peace
tim

Tim - You sure are in a tough spot. Just know I understand where you are.

BUT, if what you said here is anything like what really transpired, I mean you are trying to convince her to choose YOU, right? I don't think pointing that doing so is the best logical choice really is very helpful. Her choices thus far have had to do with something other than logic, wouldn't you agree?

Your W is DEEP in the FOG.

I think you have a right to tell her that being married w/ someone who is basically dating is not something you can tolerate. I think that is a line you must draw.

But really, she won't be able to reconcile her mixed feelings in her own head, and the err of her ways if she sees you as attacking her. (I know you said "I'm not here to attack you" but, objectively, what you said sounded like an attack.)

Have you read or tried any of the Plan A stuff on this web site?