I am in the process of putting together a Plan B letter and would like to present it to WW in the next week or so.

I'm at the point right now that even if WW did want to get back together, I don't know if I could honestly say "yes". I'm having some difficulty letting my wife know in the Plan B letter that I would be ready to reconcile once she has cut off all contact with OM. I don't honestly feel that way right now.

I know that we both contributed to the enviroment in our marriage that lead to the A. However I feel like this A is the culmination of 3-4 years of increasingly selfish behavior on her part. I have bent over backward during this time frame to do things to make her happy and this is the thanks that I get for that effort. For 13 of our 16 married years I worked 65-70 hrs a week so that she could be a SAHM. Something that she had always wanted to do. When I finally had a chance to break off on my own and start up in a self employed oppurtunity and she had to be the breadwinner for the first time, within a year of her starting this position, she began her affair.
I finally got a chance to spend more time with my family and this is what happens.

I know there are a lot of emotions involved with the anatomy of an A, but I'm about over it. For most of the 16 yrs of our marriage we've engaged in SF 20 or less times a year. Whenever I would try to discuss this with her, the response was always "sorry, it's just not that important to me". I was made to feel like I was "dirty" for my physical needs. She hides feelings inside, despite my concerns, and refuses to openly deal with big real life issues. She never got any type of continuing long term therapy when her son was killed 14 yrs ago. I don't think I have it in me to continue to try to hold together a marriage on my end when I don't feel like I am dealing with someone who can't and won't confront REAL LIFE.

To give you a glimpse into her mind at this time. Since our children came along, they have been the most important thing in her life. At this point she spends less than three days a week with them. She could spend more, but seems to choose time with married OM rather than her children when the oppurtunity arises. When she does spend any time with them. It means that she has to take them out to eat and buy them gifts. She can't really afford to do this at all. We are getting ready to file bankruptcy because of this line of thinking in our past.

I may have to distance myself from these boards and do my best to move on in a healthy way. I am attending a D recovery group at a local church to help with this. I can't put any more focus on our marriage at this time. The pain is all too prevalant most of the time. Keeps me from functioning as a healthy adult. I need to start focusing on a happy future with someone in a relationship where we both are commited to a future together.

Thanks and God Bless.

I'm having some difficulty letting my wife know in the Plan B letter that I would be ready to reconcile once she has cut off all contact with OM
So don't put you are ready to reconcile. Put you are ready to DISCUSS reconciliation.

If you decide you don't want to reconcile, you are still free to divorce her at anytime without her agreeing/disagreeing to anything.

Do Plan B so you know you have done what you can and made sure of what you want.

However I feel like this A is the culmination of 3-4 years of increasingly selfish behavior on her part.
This is almost always what all affairs are. Hers is nothing unusual in this respect.

I know there are a lot of emotions involved with the anatomy of an A, but I'm about over it.
You only found out about her affair in May. Not even 5 MONTHS ago. It takes about 3-5 years to "get over" a long term relationship which is one reason Harley recommends (if possible) Plan B for 2 years. Ending a long term relationship WITHOUT bringing lots & lots of baggage/gargbage with you takes time.

For most of the 16 yrs of our marriage we've engaged in SF 20 or less times a year. Whenever I would try to discuss this with her, the response was always "sorry, it's just not that important to me". I was made to feel like I was "dirty" for my physical needs. She hides feelings inside, despite my concerns, and refuses to openly deal with big real life issues. She never got any type of continuing long term therapy when her son was killed 14 yrs ago. I don't think I have it in me to continue to try to hold together a marriage on my end when I don't feel like I am dealing with someone who can't and won't confront REAL LIFE.
Let's be a bit careful about this. DO NOT try to justify why you should divorce her/don't want her back. After all, this is exactly what the ws does when they have an affair. Try to justify it and say it's okay because...

If you don't love her & don't want to be married to her, that's okay but understand your motivations.

I can't put any more focus on our marriage at this time. The pain is all too prevalant most of the time. Keeps me from functioning as a healthy adult.
You don't have to and in Plan B you are NOT doing anything for the marriage but you are still married (not dating and such.) ANd you still do have a family (you & kids.) Take care of them incuding you.

I need to start focusing on a happy future with someone in a relationship where we both are commited to a future together.
Why in the world would you even think about this when you are still married? Isn't this exactly your wifes thinking at this time? So why doesn't her point of view seem okay to you?

This is not a rant to get you to stay married. It IS a rant to get you to stop & think before you make decision which will affect you for the rest of your life as well as your children.

Chris,

I'm sure you're right. But at this point from what I've seen D is inevitible. Probably be over before Christmas.

Maybe get back together some time in the future, but I don't even feel like entertaing that thought now. Maybe it's a self protective mechanism that has kicked in for me.

The reason that I say that it is inevitible is her actions to try and speed things along. That, and the fact that she has locked me out of our house and pretty much has OM practically living there.

I don't know if I'll be able to actually give her a Plan B letter or just say what I have to. I know the letter is a better way to go so that emotions are kept under control, but, she may also use it against me in D proceedings.

Thanks for the input. God Bless.