Hello everyone, this is the first time I'm posting a topic bear with me. I know that this forum is for married couples but I'm hope you all can help. I have been going steady with this girl for about 2 and a 1/2 years and all was going dandy till she graduated and started working. I'm still finishing my last year in university as I served in the army for a while. Then not long into her job she started getting distant. I suspected something was wrong and true enough she was going out with someone else. I was devastated and lost all my trust in her. She insisted that we try to be friends and during this short period of time she apparently was really high on alcohol once and slept with this other guy. Even though it is just one time and she said that it was not her idea...I still feel violated somehow. What's worse is that I've found out from her recently that at that period of time she really wanted to leave my for the other guy, who also had a girlfriend by the way. We tried to work things out and I gave her more attention and spent less time mugging over my school work. I also tried to improve on the quality of our conversations. Things seem better now but I had to give her an ultimatum the other day to stop keeping in contact with the other guy. Sometimes I don't know if its worth it seeing that we aren't married and I'm only 23. I don't know if she can change even though she is much more loving and even though she really seems like she really wants to get back to me, I still feel that she has feelings for him, and I can't help but wonder if she'll ever get back with him and hurt me all over again. Please help... thanks everyone...

Hey, Reallysadguy...I think your name should be "reallywiseguy"--I mean that in a positive way.

You deserve to be happy. Why risk a relationship with a girl to whom you are not married and there has already been a major violation of trust?

You are young and have your entire life ahead of you. My feeling (and it's just my opinion--you have to decide for yourself, of course!) is cut your losses. Give yourself some time to heal and then look for a NICE girl!

I guess speaking as an old married lady who messed up, I just feel you would be wisest not to enter into a covenant relationship with someone you have misgivings about. There's an old saying that says, "When in doubt, do without."

True love makes you happy..not suspicious.

I think it's so cool that you had the courage to post your feelings and questions here.

I hope life treats you well! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I would need to echo what freshstart has said. It would be very hard to enter into a marriage with this person when you already have mistrust.

Just my 2 cents, from someone that probably should have walked a way when my STBXH said that he needed to see his XGF one last time to make sure, 22 years ago. It's a decision that has cost me and the children that my STBXH and I had together. As they so say hindsight is 20/20. 21 years of marriage is a long way to look back though!!!

Dawn <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I'll echo the wise posters ahead of me...

I was in a similar situation as you, just didn't know it at the time. My now WW had a relationship with a fellow student back before we were married. It was kept secret for years, even though it continued off-and-on for a long time.

Obviously my WW did not learn from her experience and did not resolve her issues, since about a year ago, she fell into a new A, with a new person at a new job. This one was very emotional, was revealed to me, and has put our entire M into a tail-spin that may crash and burn.

Now, sure, she might change. But do you want to risk what I'm going through? I'm 32 now, and I feel like I've wasted 10-15 years of my life in some ways - well, not really, because I've been learning and growing all along... But boy oh boy, I've certainly thought about what it would have been like to take a different course in the beginning now... I didn't have the knowledge - you do.

It's hard after you've invested 2-3 years of life into the relationship... so think about how hard it is after 10-15 years!

I think your GF needs to address some issues, such as why she feels a need to look outside her primary relationship for "fulfilment". That's a bad sign that she doesn't understand the nature of true happiness, doesn't know how to "protect" her loved ones from her weaknesses, and possibly doesn't respect you as much as she should (to be considered "wife material").

Just my opinions...

Very good answers J.R.!!! Hope that it makes reallyasadguy think of what he is doing!!!

Dawn <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

You are still very young (unfortunately, that won't save you from a broken heart). As much as it hurts, this situation can be a positive one. You will learn alot from this and walk away a stronger person.

To be honest, from everything you have said, this is not the woman for you. If she cared for and respected you, she wouldn't treat you like this. The reason most of us here at MB make the effort to save our M's is that we have alot invested in these relationships. There is the committment and promise made to one another during the wedding, there could be kids, there is an extensive history together, there could be mortgages, extended family...lots of reasons. At this point, you haven't made this kind of investment. The others are correct when they tell you to move on with your life.

Your education should be your #1 priority right now.

<small>[ October 26, 2002, 12:53 AM: Message edited by: mgm ]</small>

Thanks everybody! The thoughts echoed above have actually crossed my mind. The problem is...I agreed to give the relationship a second chance...seeing as I am pretty close to her family and friends. But I'm not sure it was such a wise choice. It seems to me that I might have stepped on a proverbial mine so to speak. I'm trying to focus on my final year and trying to make it to the honors grade right now but this is kinda hanging around in the back of my mind. Couldn't come at a worse time I guess. Now she seems really loving and she's willing to let me check everything, her cellphone etc. But I still can't get the feeling that she might walk out on me again out of my mind. I totally agree that this girl might not be the one for me. WHat do you guys think about people deserving a second chance? I'm not too sure about it now that I've given her one...and don't know how to extricate myself as of yet 'cause her family and I are supposed to go overseas for a trip (ticket's been booked) so I can't leave her at least for a month.... This is really one big mess <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

really sadguy,

You are so lucky you found this all out BEFORE you got married. You have to get out of this. Better a little hurt now than a whole lot of hurt - and financial devastation - later. Do you want this kind of woman to be the mother of your children? Why take the chance of having a broken home and devastated children in the future when you don't have to? For God's sake, get out now. There are too many women out there who WILL be faithful to you to take this kind of chance.

Can you not get a refund on those tickets? And yes, her family might be mad at you, but you know what? You can't sacrifice your life just because someone might be mad at you.

Another thing to consider. If you did get married and this happened again, you would have noone to blame but yourself because you married her knowing that what she is like.

Thank you ML...its true and I'm actually glad this happened. The problem is, I've actually agreed to give her a second chance and she's come back to me and everything's better than before. However, at least now I know that she is capable of running out on me. She seems really committed to being with me now but I actually don't think I'll marry her in case she does a thing like this in the future, when I have more at stake. So I'm actually looking around for another and trying my best in school. This seems to be grossly unfair to her I feel but I do not know how to break off with her now that she really is with me The other guy has not turned up and as far as i know she has stayed true and not contacted him..... what should be the best course of action?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by reallysadguy79:
<strong> The problem is, I've actually agreed to give her a second chance and she's come back to me and everything's better than before.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">There's no shame in changing your mind and telling her that this is a situation you don't feel you can deal with at this point in your very young life.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by reallysadguy79:
<strong>
However, at least now I know that she is capable of running out on me. She seems really committed to being with me now but I actually don't think I'll marry her in case she does a thing like this in the future, when I have more at stake. So I'm actually looking around for another and trying my best in school.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is exactly the immature kind of reaction you are going to get flamed for...! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> Why are you still with her if you aren't going to be honest about the future? When you give her the illusion that she has her second chance and you look around for another then, you are no better than she was! How is her sneaking around a terrible thing for her but, yours is justifiable? It's time for you to grow up and deal with this! Running/avoiding and passive agressive reactions will get you nowhere in life.

Why do you have to be with someone at all?? It's more important to make yourself happy, then share it with others. No one can make you happy, you have to do that for yourself. On a 'high' note...focus on school, at this point in your life, that's what's important.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by reallysadguy79:
<strong>
This seems to be grossly unfair to her I feel but I do not know how to break off with her now that she really is with me The other guy has not turned up and as far as i know she has stayed true and not contacted him..... what should be the best course of action?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Give me a break!! You do know how to do the honourable thing...you seemed to know what she was supposed to do and how to do it! The truth here is that you feel sometimes it's just easier and less stressful to let someone else take control of a bad situation. No one can change your life but, you! Someone else has control, only if you give it to them!! If things go wrong it's easier to blame the one who had control than it is to take responsibility.

You've know what to do. Part of being an adult is taking responsibility for your actions. It isn't always pleasant but, that's reality.

I know it's difficult... I think back to when I'd been dating my now WW for 2-3 years, and we were very close... The love was strong, from what I could see outwardly. It would have been SOOO hard to face what you're facing now, and I may have been just as reluctant...

Of course, as I said above, hindsight is 20-20, and now there are reasons to believe I should have swallowed my pain way back when and ended it. I do think of a couple of occassions a long, long time ago before we were married when our relationship faced some "crisis" and we rode it out. I now realize those were potential wake-up calls that I should have paid more attention to for what they were - warning signs.

If you're serious about not having a desire to marry this girl, it probably is in both your best interests to end things (or at least "renegotiate" things) - rather than lead her on to thinking she has a chance, etc.

That's true....I guess I'm to blame for thinking that I should be looking for another while giving her a chance. Its just like putting too many eggs in one basket. Let me clarify my situation. I am really confused as you all can see, half of me thinks that I should just pack up and leave, while the other half wants to really give her another chance. The problem is, we've talked about our relationship and what was lacking and now things seem to be working out just fine. But the latter half of me is worried that she will do it to me again, despite there being little evidence of this. She seems really repentant and I know that she's told a couple of her friends (but does not know I know this) that she doesn't think she could ever put me through this kind of pain again.

Its like there are two right answers in front of me but yet each answer will lead me to a totally different route in life. I'm sorry about the totally immature thing I said about looking for another girl....in truth I haven't done anything, mainly because I'm not ready for another relationship...

Thank you all again for your encouragement and support, the posts that I have received are worth tons to me and have given me a whole lot to consider. Its not as easy as I thought to sort out my feelings...I've made quick, important decisions as a junior officer in the army but yet I don't think I've actually faced a decision which has stumped me as much as this.

The main course of action I figured I would do was to give her a chance...but how do you remain in a relationship with the knowledge that your partner is capable of hurting you so? Then again there is the philosophical question that any new woman you meet might be capable of an A also. As SH has said in his web site...we're all wired for A's. So by quitting on this realtionship would I be doing the wise thing or giving up and surrendering to the enemy?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by reallysadguy79:
<strong>Then again there is the philosophical question that any new woman you meet might be capable of an A also. As SH has said in his web site...we're all wired for A's. So by quitting on this realtionship would I be doing the wise thing or giving up and surrendering to the enemy?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes, the above SH statement is true. But Sad Guy, why would you want to up the odds. You know your GF has issues in terms of staying faithful as a "Girl Friend". How in the world will her issues be resolved if she was to become your "Wife"?

Guess it all boils down to "Walking the Walk". When your GF has proven over time that her actions match her promises (words) is when you'll know if she has addressed her issues and is PERHAPS marrying material. But do you love her enough to spend the time it will take to get there? We're not talking a quick fix here either, IMHO.

Jo

Well here's an update, all you guys were right. I guess my judgement was clouded by the recent events. It is hard to detach yourself from someone you have loved, but it is a blessing in disguise, for I know now that my exgf is capable of such betrayal and lies. We are still friends, and sometimes I feel we are quite close in a way, but unless she really does "walk the walk" I don't feel that she can be any more than just a friend. Have started dating around again, Thank you everyone for knocking some sense into my head. Cheers!