WS ended A taking steps for NC. Moved back with AIL. He needs time/space to deal and take care of issues (i.e. gambling/counseling). Communication and intimacy is much better although WS or rather FWS is depressed. Says he wants divorce because I deserve better, that he is nothing. He says he is not suicidal but doesn't think life is worth living. Work is stressful. He said he loves me.
Any advice is welcomed. Has anyone experienced this.

WR

WR-

The guilt and shame that he's feeling is a result of his realization of the sheer magnitude of the pain and grief that he's contributed to. If you want your marriage to work out, I'd look at this as a positive sign. My WW has SAID that she's sorry for her A, but her actions have continually indicated that she's placing the majority of the blame for the whole mess on me. Consider yourself fortunate and keep working on improving the things YOU can control.

Good luck- G

As a FWS I can say that the guilt and pain I experienced was/is tremendous. It's a very good sign that he's feeling that way. There were times that I wanted to end my life b/c of the pain I caused my H. My H's attitude toward me has helped me a lot to deal with this. I think the more remorse the WS feels, the more chance to heal. Console him. Take care of each other.

G,

Thank you for your response. I am grateful for the recent advances. My hope is that I don't push WH further away. Perhaps I should distance myself. He needs me, wants me but doesn't feel worthy. This may be typical WS behavior, but it sure makes the BS feel like I should do something. Probably doing something is not the best thing to do.

G, I Pray God's best for you and your wife.

Krissee,

I appreciate you sharing as a FWS. This really gives me further insight regarding my FWS current state of mind. This is quite a change for him to admit anything, or even state that he will pursue help for the anger and gambling. I have tried to console him. When he has come to our home he appeared to feel so comfortable. Apart of me wants to lavish him with love but then I fear I will push him away.

May God bless you and your husband,

WR

KC and others,

Should I stop telling him I love him and how important he is to me (i.e. affirming him and what he means to me and son)?

Thanks,

WR

WR-

How much you communicate your feelings for him is a tough one and, from what I've gathered from others on this site, sort of a individual call. My advice would be to continue to let him know that you love him and support him but at the same time not go overboard with it. You sound like a strong person so that should be a easy sell....Try to identify and avoid potential LB's before you speak/see him.

Hang in there! -G

Krisse said:
As a FWS I can say that the guilt and pain I experienced was/is tremendous. It's a very good sign that he's feeling that way. There were times that I wanted to end my life b/c of the pain I caused my H.

I agree. I felt the same way. I felt so low, I didn't think you could feel that low. It took me a long time and lots of work to get past that.

Be supportive and talk talk talk.

Best Wishes
Zoey

Thanks G,sounds like good advice. Too much of anything may be overwhelming.

Thanks Zoey, he's been very open as he's talked to me about the OW. I didn't ask he just came out with stuff. I am glad that he feels comfortable enough to share these things with me. I just hope that he will go on and get into counseling. I even said that I would go with him, but he said no. Could this be confusion to?

WR

After talking to WH I realize that he is depressed, has feelings of guilt, shame and not thinking that he deserves me. This seems to be a rather delicate situation for me. He doesn't like conversations about us, our or the future. I am trying to comfort and console him when he seems to need it and back off at other times.

He is more considerate, caring and concerned. I am trying not to expect much at this point, and trying not to put my heart out there to be hurt. As a BS this is frighthening to. I also know that I can't let what WH says or does hurt my feelings. He spends more time at our home when he visits. Son (me to) are enjoying his visits.

Has others had this experience to.

WR

Hi WR,

Been thinking about you and almost put out an APB!!! LOL! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

So there have been some improvements? Ok, since he is admitting to feelings of depression, what are the working options available?

1. IC/MC counseling. May be good if he does IC first. Ask STeve. Better yet send him to Steve.

2. Check out alternative medicine/herbal options. Some types of herbal remedies help elieviate depression symptoms. Temporary fix but worth a look.

3. Ok, if all else fails, let him know that often stress takes it's toll on our various body parts. No not just the one between his legs but vital organs. Now this may sound gross but another option is for him to 'clean out' his guts.
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> ? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> ? Colonics (sp?). Cleaning the colon. Give him that option and he if resisted the 2 options above, he may be willing to take them so as to avoid option 3!!!! LOL! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Mine was anti counselor but when he came back (even though it was a false recovery), he choose his counselor (my insurance paid for it) and he realized that he had a problem. Geeze, I should have charged him for telling him the same things but he believed the counselor. Good thing she wasn't a looney bin!!!! LOL! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

As for the ILUs, it may be wise to taper them down. His guilt may be emphasized when you tell him you love him. Just keep doing the loving things. He needs to get over it.

When mine used to say he wasn't worth it, I agreed. Then I said, but it was my choice to take you back and now I have to live with it. Oh that confused him for a while. Then when he blew it, he wanted to come back and I found myself wondering if I should take him back and told him so. I said, you know that OW babble and your babble from earlier in the A is starting to make sense. That scared him...... LOL!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

I didn't give a lot of assurance. He knows he isn't worth it and being honest right now may be a greater need than assurance.

take care,
L.

<small>[ October 27, 2002, 01:37 AM: Message edited by: Orchid ]</small>

Hello L,

I was so happy to see your response to my message and to hear that you have been thinking about me. WH or FWS mentioned counseling, but in the past he’s always said one thing and did another. I did remind him that he could go through our/my insurance plan to find a counselor (not sure if it would cover Steve). I would love to talk to Steve. It would be great for us. I will mention counseling with Steve to FWS. It would be more convenient because he could do it over the telephone. I haven’t talked to Steve before because I didn’t think I could afford the charges.

I take St. John’s Wort (a herbal alternative for depression), so I will mention that to FWS and the cleansing to. As a matter of fact I thought of doing it myself. There’s this lemonade cleansing that we tried and I found to be very effective. FWS is a smoker and stated that he wants to quite. I asked if he smokes less he said “no, probably more”.

I was thinking the very same thing about the ILU’s. I will taper them down and the assuring him to. L, I thank God for your experiences and your willingness to share them.

FWS has to clear up a few things. He has to legally kick OW out of the apartment because family friends rented it to him. A cousin who is a clerk for one of the judges helped him to complete the paperwork. He also called the Division of Child Support Enforcement on the OW because she leaves her little girl (foster child/neice) alone to go to work and to the boat. The little girl has exhibited sexual behavior (FWS over heard OW and her sister talking about this) and FWS told her to get the girl some help. He said he told the OW that they could never make it because they both have gambling problems and that he was going to get help for himself (had encouraged her to get help to). What a mess. He wants to have space to clear up this mess.

I am grate for the wonderful times we shared over the weekend. Although he pull away at times to.

L, gotta go, someones waiting to service my computer at work.

Thanks,

WR

Hey L,

I just spoke to Dr. Harley on his wifes radio show. I was the last caller so I only had 4 minutes. Dr. Harley said that my husband is conning me. That he is in the first phase of recovery: (1) Admit problem; (2) have a plan to solve problem and (3) go through with the plan. He said don't be afraid to ask him what's he going to do about this situation and agree with him that yes he probably does have a serious character flaw...Then the radio show was over. Joyce Harley encouraged me to try to call back on Thursday. I hope I can. You basically said the same things to me. So the feeling sorry for him and giving him assurance that he does deserve me will end. FWS has been a conflict avoider our entire relationship and marriage. He has always run to IL's during tough times or when things didn't go his way. I have always been comforting and consoling and in the past it has not helped.

Thanks for encouraging me to contact The Harleys. With that said and done I may give him options as you suggested earlier. Perhaps I can even send him a letter with this information in it.

WR

bumping up!

Hi WR,

Good stuff!!!! Glad to hear you made it to the Harley's show.

How are you doing today?

hugz,
L.

Hey L,

I am doing okay. Just tired. Stayed up late helping my sister with a paper for graduate school.

FWS spent the Monday night with us and he took son to school on Tuesday morning. He called me lateron to tell me how son proudly showed his daddy to everyone. He is also concerned about son's school/teacher. He also gave me very good advice Monday night on how to handle son's stubborness, it worked and I thanked him.

L, it is difficult for me that my husband has ended the affair but is not ready to commit to our marriage or be a responsible husband and father. I do realize that he wants his space to get his life in order. No doubt the fog has lifted but the residue from it remains in other areas. He is continuing to play cards (for money) with his family and I would not be surprised if he's still going to the boat or even in some type of contact with the OW.

His living with his aunt bothers me, but then he has done that before to. They don't seem to understand how they are interfering with our marriage. One day I hope that Danny will commit to God and cut the apron strings and be a responsible man.

In the mean time. I have stopped the I Luv u's. I do enjoy when he comes around or calls us and I can see that he does to as long as there's no talk about he and I, the marriage or future other than son.

L, I thank God for the blessings thus far. I know that it is just a matter of time before all is well.

This is sort of typical isn't it.

How are you doing? How's your family. You really give great advice and encouragement.

WR

WR,

Good to hear from you. You know you are sounding much stronger.

I think the better we know ourselves and we can see where the issues really lie (even after we make the necessary changes), then putting the responsibility where it belongs (on the WS) relieves us of a lot of undue stress.

Keep up the good work. You are keeping busy and that is a good thing.

As for us, well there have been ups and downs. Last weekend was a downer......but I managed to make it through. Requirements for living in this home just went up and H is even more accountable now than before. That is the direction it will go whenever there is contact.

Hope you don't have to deal with a PBR (psyco babble rabbit), this one is too stupid to be considered a person. Thinks the world revolves around her. I told him he picked such a winner...... the irritating piece is that she now thinks she can communicate with me (at work no less). I did not respond to her communication. I am highly offended that she choose to communicate with me but since she really is not worth communicating with on any level, I am now working with my IT/communication folks along with the e-mail service to have her addy shut down again for the 3rd time. So see, I don't warn the wicked, just shut them down!!!! LOL! There are a few more tricks up my sleeve that I can do if I have to. Pi$$ing her off just when she crosses the line, just makes me happy. If that is the legal extent at this time, I am ok with that. She claims to live in fear of what I can do, so why warn her? Her actions show that she wants to be treated this way, I see it as complying.....with glee.

So that is how it has been...... tomorrow is another day.

take care,
L.

Hello L,

Good to hear from you to. You’re right about putting the responsibility where it belongs (on the WS). I thank God for getting stronger. Just this morning I heard a message on praise. Either praise God or sink deeper in your despair. Well, it is time for the praise to begin.

It’s terrible that the OW won’t leave you alone. She has contributed enough damage as it is. That’s good that you don’t tolerate the nonsense, although I am sure it is annoying. I am curious when you contact the IT/communication folks and e-mail service do you let them know private details?

I pray that you won’t allow her (being used by Satan) to affect the rest of your week. Your FWS must really feel bad about the OW’s interference in your lives. L, this incidence will just bring you and your FWS closer, because again this is just a reminder of how damaging affairs are.

I pray that you will have a wonderful day,

WR

HI WR,

Good to see you are refocusing your concentration on exenuating the positive points in your life. Hard to see sometimes, but they are constant and that are there.

As for IT, I shared a bit. Not everyone knows but it is a common occurence in the workplace (see all the A's related to work?). Well I have their full support, that is enough for me.

take care,
L.

Hello L,

How are you doing today? How is FWS feeling with recent FOW contacting you? Some people really have no respect for themselves or others. I hope that you will not be contacted by FWO again.

You are really a strong woman. How's your son doing? I know that he is happy to have both parents under one roof, caring for each other and him.

God Bless you and your family,

WR