My WS and I had a D-day #2 on 10/1. I moved up to my parents house until 10/10. My WS was suppose to find an apartment during that time. He didn't. I told him he could stay there for a few days longer until he found a place of his own. He is adiment about moving out, he definitly wants to.

It is now 10/26 and he is still here. At first I didn't mind because I really want us to work things out, but he does not and it is getting really old. He is calling and e-mailing OW while living in my house, and that really bothers me. He is not rude or condisending to me, in fact, he more or less just ignores me. Unless he wants me for SF or to make him dinner. I do not want to LB and I haven't yet, but what do I do?

My WH claims that our D is his #1 priority in his life, so we have already made our arrangements for visitation of our D. He gets her Tuesday and Thursday and every other weekend. While I was at my parents house, he did pretty good with this. But now, since we are all at our house, I think he feels that all he needs to do is pick her up from school. Well, I almost lost it on Thursday. I came home and he was working in the office and she was watching TV (this mirrored what happened on Tuesday), then she wanted to get her HW done. Dad was too busy so she and I did it. Then she was hungry...yep, I made her some dinner. By this time, I heard my WH on the phone making plans to meet a client a bit later that night! I asked him to bath our D and get her ready for bed. Reluctantly, he said okay. Then (and I already know how dumb this is going to sound so just bear with me!) I went to get some sugar-free jello (this is the only sweetness I get to eat all day and he knows that!!!) and he had eaten all but a 1 inch by 1 inch square!!! I grabbed my cell phone and went and sat in my car. Called up a friend and just lost it!!! I would have vented here, but I am not sure if he is still reading every post of mine.

He did not see me leave or see me upset, but I can't keep living like this. I wash his clothes, clean the house, and cook all meals. Yet he insists that he is still looking for his own place. He won't live in a "dump", so that's why he claims he has not been able to find something he can afford. He wants to have me do all these things and be okay that he loves OW. And I'm not. I don't want to have a marriage where that is accepted. Nor do I want my D to think that that is normal married life!!!

I don't want to bring up R talk, because I feel like I am finally doing an awesome Plan A. I am not LBing at all, I am controlling my anger, but I feel that I am loosing a lot of love for him every day. When I went to LV last weekend, I didn't even miss him. I'm worried that I am almost ready to give up. Please give me some advise, even if it's harsh. Thanks!

PQ

BS(me):31
WH:28
D:7
Married 7 yrs, together 9 yrs
D-Day #1: 4/26/02
D-Day #2: 10/1/02
OW: stayed in TX, but loves and misses him
WH will not give up contact with her, she is all he has ever wanted in a woman, she "perfect" and I'm not.

What should you do? It sounds to me as though you should continue in your plan A for now. If you need the chance to 'recharge', then do that. Taking a trip out of town (to LV - meaning Las Vegas?), was a fantastic move on your part! It was obviously a MUCH needed break.

It also sounds to me that your H is a cakeman, and enjoying it very much! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> But then again, who wouldn't like having ALL of their needs met? Too bad it isn't realistic for an extended period of time.

Perhaps, to help you to keep up with your plan A, you may want to start preparing for your plan B? There's no harm in finding out what your rights are, legally, regarding your home, assets, visitations with dd, etc. Besides, if your love bank is emptying as rapidly as you suggest it may be, then you'll want to be able to move to plan B at the drop of a hat (to your H! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> ).

Karen

PQ,

I agree with Topie, continue Plan A and start planning a move to Plan B. Look at it this way, your husband has the best of all worlds. He has two women who are vying for his attention. Why would he want to give that up? Most cakemen do not until either the wife or the OW forces them to choose. The idea is for you to put pressure on him to end the affair… he has to believe that he is going to loose you.

You may want to change your plan A bit so that while you do not love bust to do put pressure on your H and his affair. The idea of Plan A is not to let the WS walk all over you. It’s to negotiate the end of the affair and marital recovery. Here is a link to some info that might help you understand what I am talking about.

Plan A, Doormats and Love Busters

Looks like he wants you to accept his keeping a mistress.

Or maybe it is more complicated than that. Workplace love affairs are difficult to break, because the people in similar life circumstances and with similar interests come together; they are very compatible. You may have to be so very patient and self controlled, something I am trying to exercise in my life right now. You need to seek support by getting involved in the new community or by leaning on your family.

<small>[ October 27, 2002, 07:38 AM: Message edited by: relate ]</small>

Thank-you Topie, Zorweb and Relate for your fast responses. I know my WH is a cake-eater. He had both of us every day before we moved to Utah. Supposedly the A stoppped after I found out, but I am at the point of not believing anything I was told. (Actions speak louder than words!)

What should I do to put pressure on him to end the affair? He knows that I will not discuss reconsiliation until I am given "proof" that it is over between him and OW. Should I move to Plan B when he moves out? Or just do a long distance Plan A?

Topie:
Yes LV was Las Vegas, and I will start looking into things about Plan B.

Zorweb:
I read your link. THANK-YOU!!! That helped a lot. I put it into my favorites!

Relate:
I know he and OW have some things in common, but so do we. I hope that he finds that our interests are more important than work-related interests.

One more thought:

Should I make him move out? Does anyone have any ideas on why he won't? I mean if he wants to soooooo bad then why not? Just some lingering thoughts I had.

Thanks!
HUGS!!!
PQ

I don't think you can really make him do anything. You have to figure out what you should do for yourself when he acts in certain ways.

First of all the good news is that he has abandoned her and moved to a different state with you. And he is still here with you. He had broken off the physical affair.

The bad news is that he is missing her and having an emotional affair in front of your eyes.

If you are going to plan A, you've got to stop the snooping. Sue-with-hope is doing a plan A with her H living with the family but (possibly) still going out with the OW (in Just Found Out). It might be useful to read her thread and start up a dialogue with her. You've got a new job; so you can concentrate on meeting new people there and getting a promotion etc. You could get involved with the community and the church and try and involve him in these same communities. You could try and create good times involving him and the family.

The only thing you can do when he contacts her in front of your eyes is to leave the room and go away for a couple of hours. Then come back and tell him very calmly and softly that it was out of line; that you are still waiting for his attachement to die off because you still love him.

<small>[ October 27, 2002, 02:48 PM: Message edited by: relate ]</small>

You're doing great! The fact that it's so frustrating is a good sign you're plan A'ing very well! I agree with the others...as long as he's there it puts a strain on his A. The longer he stalls the more the OW will get impatient and LB. Hang in as long as you can, and get yourself a good plan for when you are ready to belt him with a nice dose of reality.

Thanks Relate and Hope4Future!!!

I am feeling a bit stronger today. My D and I have had a fun day without WH here. He told me earlier today that he is finding an apartment this week. And he wants to be out by Friday. Now whether or not this happens, I will wait and see. I am not holding my breath. But he was very sweet today and a reciprocated that! No LBs STILL!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Relate:
Just so you know, I have not snooped since my first session with Steve H. He told me it does me no good and I am to just assume that the A is on until I hear otherwise. I know she calls him just because of the way he answers the phone, and when he calls her, he goes outside. I also know he checks his new e-mail account he set up so they can communicate, but I have no idea what is said. I think I like it that way, it makes me sick to hear or read any of that anymore.

I do like your idea of telling him it hurts me. I have not done that yet, so I might give that a try. Thanks!

Hope4Future:
Thanks for reading my thread. I guess I just had too high of expectations when we moved away from her. He says that he will not do the NC thing, and that he has a right to be friends with whomever he chooses. I know that the PA is not going on right now. But I worry that when he moves out, she (or he)will find ways to see each other. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> I decided that I will not even try to reconcil with him still believing that she is perfect and "everything he has ever wanted". I don't want him to feel like he settled for me. I am worth more than that. By the way, I have lost 16 lbs. and still going!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> He also keeps telling me how good I look! YEAH!! Anyway, I am glad to hear your input, you are one of the success stories I admire!!! Thanks so much!!

HUGS!!!
PQ

OK, so I shouldn't talk about them or us. Great, I guess I will just sit here in the dark!!! Sorry if I sound upset. I know your probably right, I am just having a hard time today. I tried to call yesterday and couldn't get a hold of anyone. I have only recieved one email in the two weeks I have been here. It is hard. As I sat in church today it seemed like they talked about everything that is wrong in my life. How will I last another month away??? We have so many restrictions we can't do a lot. So most of the time I am board stiff, with lots of time to ponder on the thoughtless act of my thoughtless W! I just want to cry to her and let her know how much oain she is causeing me. It wouldn't be so bad if she would just talk to me and show a little remorse. I hate this!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />
I hope somebody out there is having a positive turn in there relationship. Good luck to you all.
CD

oops! wrong post. Don't I feel like an idiot.
Sorry

if i may make a few suggestions to you, stop taking care of him! no more cooking for him, no more laundry, no more! i have a 32 year old brother who still lives with parents, and why? because they take care of him! he has the best of both worlds at moment. his fantasy girl and his caretaker and he'll ride you both until you break. don't let that happen! the sooner he realizes that reality isn't nearly as much fun as his fantasy life, the sooner he'll realize just how much he's giving up. believe me, the first time he forgets to seperate whites and reds in laundry will be an eye-opener! have you thought of changing your internet access? maybe if it wasn't so easy to reach this other woman, he'd be forced to either give up or get out. tell him since he's leaving anyway you didn't think there would be any problem.

Hey Citydweller!
I hope you are feling better today. You sounded so upset and down yesterday, I worried about you. I did wonder what I had said that made you feel bad, but now I see that it had nothing to do with me. That makes me feel better! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Kristawny:
I know you are right about taking care of him, but I am trying to do a really good Plan A before he leaves. So that when he's gone, he might see all the stuff I do for him. I am trying to suck it up for the next couple of weeks and just keep putting my best face forward.
As for my internet provider, he has his own laptop that he does all of his business on. He has his own provider and three e-mail accounts. When I was checking up on him while we were "working it out", I blocked OW e-mail addresses from the e-mail accounts that I knew about. That's why he got a third one and used a password that I don't know. So I know that I will not stop him from contacting her, that has to be his choice! I can't control his actions, only my own!!! (I keep thinking that if I say that enough, it will make me feel better. But it doesn't. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> )

I have a another appointment with Steve H. on Friday. I am going to ask my WH if he wants to take part, but I am guessing that he won't. We'll see. He called me today on his way home from Las Vegas and was extremely nice. Makes me wonder what he did in Las Vegas while picking up materials for work! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> I know that sounds bad, but I do not put anything past him anymore!

Anyway, thanks for listening!

HUGS!!!
PQ

Hi PQ,

Relate told me about your thread.

Here is how I cope, I don't snoop (used to, it only upset me, and I have a temper which I can control, most of the time). I think I am the queen of LB, if not that then maybe a Princess or Duchess. LOL. I don't LB as much as I used to. However, I refuse to be his doormat. I do my best to command respect. I start my showing him respect. (not always good at it). When he does disrespect me, I objectively point out that it is demeaning to me and I don't like it. No yelling, arguing. Sometimes he complains that I am yelling again. I politely ask him how is standing up for myself yelling. He usually has to think about this.

I do not let his A, bother me. How? you ask, I keep myself very busy. And I mean very. If you are busy, you cannot think about it. I try to make time for H when he wants it. I even suggest that we make time for each other. Sometimes he is receptive and most of the time he is not.

I try to find the humor in the things he does such as going to his car to make a phone call. I don't let him know I find it amusing. (trying to reduce the LB's). Sometimes I find a reason to walk outside when he is on the phone (not going to make it easy for him either). If you have a legitimate reason to go out, then not much he can do about it. Such as, you left something in your car and have to retrieve it.

Lets see, he goes to the store alot, 3-4 hours to get one item at the hardware store wich is 1/2 mile away. He usually returns with nothing. I usually ask him for the receipt, especially if it is for household repairs. (After all, some of this stuff is tax deductable when you sell you home, you need to keep these receipt). He does not have a receipt. Or the item he went to the store for. Always has a lame excuse. (Another thing to be amused at)

Why does this amuse me, it is one way to cope. It is better than getting angry. You see, anger, is negative energy that can be felt by others around you. Try to get postive energy from the negative and you will be happier. (you will also have less wrinkles when you are 60).

I don't think he really wants to move. If he did, he would have done so. You will see this weekend if he finds an apartment.

Also, my theory on, don't make it easy for him to have time to talk to OW, she will start getting frustrated with the situation and start to LB. Why does he want to be with her, when you are pleasant to be around.

As I said, I keep myself busy, so I cannot think about that situation. Also, it is my backup plan in case my M fails. I will not be dependant upon his presence and I will land on my feet. Another thing, by having interests of your own, it will make you more interesting.

I also started showing interest in stuff H does that I dont' do. Such as I offered to learn Golf. Didn't get to sign up for lessons. I'm going to this summer. H said he will help me find lessons. Last summer I had to take a class. When the class over, it was too late to get into the golf lessons.

H plays this internet game, so I showed an interest in it. Trying to find common interests. I don't expect him to take an interest in sewing or knitting (which I also like to do), so I though it best that I show interest in his activities.

I didn't get a chance to see if you have other threads going, so It may be that some of my answers don't apply.

I am also rushed trying to write this, so if anything needs clarification, don't hesitate to say so.

<small>[ October 28, 2002, 10:51 PM: Message edited by: Sue with hope ]</small>

Sue,
Thank-you for your insights!!! I used to feel like the Queen of LBs, but I will gladly hand over the reigns if you want them!!!LOL

I have noticed that since I found a job here, life has went by much smoother than before. I am and will get even busier in a week, when I actually start. I will have to plan and prepare for the Chemistry besides going to all of the sporting events for Cheer. Meanwhile, taking care of my D and my house. I think this will be a great time to ease my H into reality (like not doing his laundry or always making dinner). Right now I want him to feel comfortable and welcome, so that if he leaves he will miss that. And I am now wondering if that is just that, an IF...

I find it amazing that you cope the same way I have recently figured out works for me, LAUGHTER!!! I find myself thinking, "Do you think I don't know what you are doing?" And then instead of getting upset, I laugh!! It keeps him wondering what the heck I am thinking when I smile all the time. He keeps asking, "What?? WHAT??" And I just reply, "Nothing." and smile. My WH does not leave for long periods of time or even go out to his truck for very long (maybe 15 mins.) But he is alone all day, and can contact her anytime he wants to. Usually if it happens while I'm here, it is OW calling him or WH on the internet with her.

As far as interests, I have wanted to overcome my fear of SCUBA diving, but I can't afford lessons right now. Hopefully before summer hits, I will be in a class. He also likes paintball, fishing and hunting. I fish quite often, but I can't bring myself to kill anything and paintball HURTS!!! I will do my best to find some other interests that we could do together.

You know what is sad... OW claims she wants to camp, hunt, fish, blah blah blah. But knowing her as well as I do, I can't believe that my H fell for that load of cr$p!!! She might break a nail, and then what? Her world would end!! I just find it humorous that the fog is so thick that he actually tells me how she wishes she could be here to do those things with him! Yeah right! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Anyway, I am SOOOOOO enjoying living close to my family again! I just got home from a progressive Halloween night where we carved pumpkins at one house, ate dinner at another, then dessert at the last one. It was great fun for the kids and the adults.(Not too much clean up on any one person!!) I had forgetten how much I enjoy my family and what a support they are! Both my Mom and my Dad pulled me aside to tell me that I was looking good! I love those guys!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Well thanks for listening once again! Any more advice is always appreciated and I will let ya'll know tomorrow if my WH says he will do the counseling session with me on Friday!

HUGS!!!
PQ

Hi PQ,

The progressive Halloween sounds like fun.

It is amazing how they buy into the fog. It is rather comical if you think about it. A friend of mine had to deal with the Internet A. They were separated (sort of). She could not afford to have him move, he could not afford to move. They worked opposit shifts and were hardly home together, so it worked (temporarily). He started a A with some woman from GA. She said all that same stuff to him (he is my H's cousin, so I have the inside scoop here). Kept his mom in the dark about it. After all, to them is is M. His mom and aunt (my MIL) thinks he is the greatest. My kids hate him. Even as babies they screamed when he was around. Anyway, she would constantly lead him on and tell him she was coming see him. (she claimed she worked for the airlines. I didn't buy it, because she told him weird stuff like he could not have her number because of airline security). Anyway, she stood him up everytime, before he got wise and realized that she was just playing games. At one point, my friend and her H were talking about reconcilation, until she e-mailed him again stating she was coming to visit. (another stand up). Everytime they talk about how wonderful he is, I want to scream. He is a dufus with a capital D.

Eventually, they wisen up. Too bad you could not have a power failure and the computer didn't work. Yes, there is the cell phone, but that uses up minutes.

Once, I stayed home from work. I was sick. From about the time my H got home and every half hour for 3 hours, hang up phone calls. I have a hard time believing that we had that many wrong number calls. My H foolishly tried to make a joke of it and asked our S if he was having girls call. Playing with the joke, except I was serious, I said,I was going to ask you the same. The expression on his face was priceless. Okay, it is wrong to have fun at his expence, but I have to cope somehow. It is either yell and scream or laugh.

If anything comes to mind to help, I will pass it along

I feel kinda bad because no one in his family even knows what to say to him. They all know her (OW) and can't understand what he is doing. Not that I am the greatest thing since peanut butter, but I have been pretty good about all of this. And to add to it, I still love him.

I am not particularly happy with him right now. Once again, tonight is his night with our D and guess what... He couldn't get off of work. So she and I are going to the dollar movie to see Spiderman at 7PM. I am not mad, but I am disappointed in him. He had to leave for Las Vegas on Saturday, didn't get home until very late Sunday, worked all day yesterday, and now working again tonight. My D just longs to see her Dad. I wish he could see that.

I knida miss him too. He has called me twice already today just to check in and see what's goin' on, but I need to discuss my session with Steve on Friday with him. I want to talk about it calmly and see what he thinks, but he is so stressed about work that I don't know if I will have the chance. Maybe tomorrow...

HUGS!!!
PQ

Hi PQ, I just wanted you to know I am cking in on you. I am glad you are coping well with ws in the FOG.... so true.. so stupid... hahaha.. do they even know what they are doing throwing their families away???? I do not and never will get a ws????

Anyway, i am so glad for you with your new job and the fun part with the cheerleaders! WOW!

I am glad to hear you are LOOKING GOOD too! Hugs!

I know it is a bummer to have all this stress.. and I am worrying about all the wrinkles I am getting from this.

Starting to think he is NUTS.

Anyway, still wayyyyy behind on sewing, so have to go. I need to get the costume made.

Glad you had fun with Progressive Halloween, sounds awesome.!!!

Hugs, HONEY

Honey,

Always good to hear from you. I hope all is going well in your neck of the woods! I wasn't expecting to hear from you until after Halloween, but I am glad to hear that you are checking in on me. I need someone to look out for me! You know that you only have one day left! Get sewing GIRL!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

HUGS!!!
PQ

P.S.
What kind of costumes are you making? And, should I hire you to sew my D next year???

I'm jealous, Honey has time to make Halloween costumes. When my S#1 was born I made his very first costume. That was 8 years ago. I have been making the kids costumes ever since, except the last two years I have not had time because of school. I miss sewing them. I keep all of them. Tiger, Zorro, Batman, baby fairy (for D), I keep telling myself this is temporary and I will be able to make next years.
(Sorry PQ, didn't mean to Hijack your thread)