just a rehash of i screwed up
ive been married 3 years as of sept 3rd,in the beginning, all was good,after about 5 or 6 months, while at work,i recieved and e-mail from some girl who was into the same thing me and my wife were,we talked, and i let my wife know that someone was e-mailing me, at first she seemed interested, but after a while, she didnt, and i took it upon myself to continue corresponding with this girl.
Now about that time,things at home began to fall apart,i became distant,less playful,and since i was really never one to talk about things in the first place, well, i just clammed up.
now things between me and this girl esculated, now granted, we never met, just online fun,(more on that later)and my wife found out, and took off,not only affecting me, but our roomate,his kid, and our son,just leaving like that.
well, after she came back, things were ok for a while, then a couple months later, another girl,same interests, same results, wife was interested at first, then lost interest, and i continued things on my own.
again, wife found out, took off again.
all that within a year,after that, wife did take off a couple more times,but because of my inability to open up, communicate, lack of sex.
i should mention i am in the military currently, down in honduras, leaving to go back on monday,(the 28th).now to continue,well, second girl every once in a while, continues to im me off and on, one time, i tell her we need to let things cool down, and another time, i start the sexual talk(again, we never met)
well, one weekend, wife goes to moms house,and i decide to make plans to meet second girl,who never shows,a few weeks later,i come home from work, and wife tells me to get my stuff and leave,(she found out).
i did, a week later, i was back,trying to make things work.well, around superbowl time, i lost my temper with wife over newborn baby girl,and ended up in the barracks for about two weeks,came back, and ended up down here in honduras.for the first three months,things were good,we talked everynight,online, and on the phone, i missed so much,i cried my self to sleep most nights.
well around the middle of june,second girl e-mails me, and i didnt resist, started the sex talk with her, saying that i never really loved my wife,stuff like that,even made plans for her to come visit,now i should mention, that a while ago,about a year and a half, ive been having thoughts that my wife had something to do with this girl,but i still couldnt resist.well, turns out, second girl was my wife.ok, we talk, and talk, and things look pretty good, but while im talking to her,im talking to some girl i knew before my wife, and never met.telling her the same thing.that i never loved my wife,and so on,to set the record straight, im not making excuses,i screwed up bad,i really do love her,this happening makes me realize it, albeit maybe to late now.but i do,this has been a major wake up call,i went home in september for two weeks, when i thought i was getting extended here, i begged for forgivness, she said she did forgive me,then i came back, now determined to make something beautiful come out of this mess,she says she doesnt know what she wants,
an all the while, we talk, and last week, she dropped me the bomb,said that she hasnt been completly honest with me, and she did not do this to get even, but to fill the void i made with my behavior and words.said she slept with another guy,and that she was pregnant,i told her i forgive her and that i still want to try and make this work, and i will raise the child as my own, now i should say, since i have been back in honduras since sept 18th, i have started seeing the chaplain, praying almost constantly during the day, to help me change,and Praise God, he has, granted, hes not done, and i dont know what the future holds for us,but i pray that God continues to help me grow and for him to direct my life, and to make something beautiful come out of all this between me and my wife.
sometimes i feel week, and i try and control my anger,and i pray, im hoping two things come out of this, One, that i do find God, cause i have been lost for so long, its pitiful, and two, that if its his will, that out of this disaster of a marriage,(that i caused), me and my wife can have the relationship we should have had from the beginning.
any advice?
