Okay, this is my first post here. I've read many of the messages posted here and many of them are similar to my situation. Briefly, here it is...
My H and I have been married for 1 1/2 years, Together for 3 1/2 yrs. He is in the army and we are stationed overseas. I will be the first to admit that we have made a lot of mistakes our first year of marriage, but who doesn't? The first year hasn't been complete wedded bliss. My H recently came home from being gone for 2 1/2 months and four hours after being home said he wants a divorce. Before he left, we knew we were having problems and we agreed to go to counseling as soon as he got back to work through these issues. Once he got back, he said he doesn't think he was ever in love me, even before we got married, and that he has been unhappy the whole time too. Complete shocker to me. I asked him if there was someone else while he was away and of course he denied it. For a week I was on an emotional roller coaster of him saying he wanted to work on the M and then later saying he wanted a divorce. Finally after a week, I told him that I love him and I will do whatever WE need to do to save the marriage. But, I need to think about my needs and my need is that I can't live like I had been for the last week. SO, I told him he needed find someplace else to stay. He hesitated at the door, and I shut it in his face. What was I supposed to do, run to him and beg him not to leave? We didn't talk or see each other for a week. I immediately started going to counseling for myself. After a week he called and said that he had gone to see a counselor too (one time) and his decision was reaffirmed. Obviously, he didn't go in with an open mind. He said he had made an appt for us to see a Military chaplain for paperwork to send me back to the states. We went, I told him that I was not going anywhere. I have a life established too. The chaplain suggested that we move back in together and try to go to counseling. I wasn't very keen on this idea. My H and talked for long time during this session and had a really, open and honest conversation. He joined me on my next visit to my counselor and the session was horrible. I sobbed the entire time. I left the session preparing myself for THE END. I went to finish a few things at work and he was in the parking lot waiting when I left. He was crying and said that it wasn't fair for either of us not to try to work this out. We went to dinner and he told me that he had an A while he was gone. She is also married and she supposedly has a wonderful marriage. He said that the OW did fulfill needs that I wasn't meeting. I felt that was fair, becasue I was aware of that as something we needed to work on. He moved home, we had a great weekend until she emailed him and he got depressed acting and all confused again. The OW lives on the other side of the world literally since we are stationed overseas. He said they agreed only to remain in contact by email since the rumor of the A is running through his army unit and if they find out, both can be kicked out of the army. At first I didn't have any problem with that because they are "friends" and will never see each other again. But, I think that just as he was getting out of the withdrawl period she emailed him and he started backpedaling. I know I need to tell him to cut all ties with the OW,but I'm so afraid of his reponse. I know I can be strong without him, but I love him and want the M to work. I've read the emails and the OW just talks as a friend although she was very much for him getting a divorce, but she was going back to her marriage. I don't know how to tell him my feelings without making it sound like a demand or an ultimatum. Many people already have made him feel ashamed as he should, but it doesn't help our situation. I've also thought about emailing her and asking her to leave us alone out of respect for our marriage, as I will respect hers by not telling her husband and ruining her career. Is this wrong? Please help. He has agreed to go to counseling, however he hasn't started because he has been gone on assignment for a week, only 4 days after coming back home. I keep thinking that maybe the email contact will fade after a while and maybe I should hold out a little and see if that happens? ADVICE PLEASE!!

I felt that an affair had happened before I even got to that part in your story. NOW, you must decide if you want to continue in the marriage or not. If so, you must tell your H that he must stop all contact with the OW. Help him write a No contact letter and put it in the mail. As long as the OW is contacting him, your chances of working things out are tainted. Get him here to read if he will. Order Surviving an affair, and HNHN from the bookstore here. In other words, if you want to work on this relationship then go full force! The military will not be of any help, they do not condone affairs but neither do they do much about them if they do not directly affect the military personel's daily work. My H is a Colonel and I know of plenty of these situations first hand, his own A to be exact...

Go back to the opening page here and read all the information that you can. It is possible to rebuild your marriage, but it won't be easy.
Prayers to you and keep us posted. Ladysing

Ladysing58,

So, basically, I need to put the ball in his court to end the A. I shouldn't make contact with her myself. Also, am I being naive to think that the emails will just fade away on their own. The OW hasn't emailed him in a week. I suppose her marriage is just wine and roses now. Makes me a little angry obviously. I here what you are saying about the military but his circumstances are a little different. He is a CID agent and adultery is one of the few things that can get your badge and credentials yanked, especially since the affair was with another agent and the rumors are already spreading through several units, 4-5 that I know of for sure. He told me that he expects to come under inquiry in the next few weeks and wanted me to be prepared for it. I'm willing to support him through this, but at the same time, my heart tells me not too if he can't live up to NC with the OW. Can you give me advice on how to discuss this with him so as not to sound like I am giving an ultimatum? I am afraid that will back him into a corner. When this happens he just shuts down and won't communicate at all. As you know with the military there are more issues involved. I've already kicked him out of the quarters once. So, what happens if plan A doesn't work? Then do I kick him out again. I really have no place to go and according to JAG, I'm authorized the quarters regardless. Maybe I am jumping the gun. I should probably take this one step at a time. So back to how to discuss the NC with him. I feel that I need to be sensitive yet, also draw boundaries and set my foot down. When we were talking when we first got back together, we talked about expectations. Mine mainly focused on openness and honesty. And of course counseling. All of which he agreed to. But, I never thought about NC. I kind of feel bad because I don't him to feel that I will keep thinking of expectations in the future, leaving him to feel like he will always be jumping through hoops. Although I guess in a way he should be. Please HELP!! I want this M to work, but I don't want to be railroaded and walked on.

ac6231,
As I said, this won't be easy and I certainly don't have all the answers but I would like to help. Have you gone to the opening MB page and read everything there? Look at the sections on infidelity. There is a great thread titled: New, looking for info and answers? on the Emotional Needs board, please click on that and read everything you can.

You are right that you need to take this one step at a time. You are entitled to military housing as a dependant, don't walk away from that. You said that he is about to come under fire at work for the A? If you want to make a go at recovery, this is your opportunity to show him that you mean it. Stand by him, but do not allow yourself to be humiliated any further. Get him to write a no contact letter, you don't need to make this an argument, either he wants to try to save your marraige or he does not. If he is willing, you can help walk him through this. Get him on to this site to read also. This does not need to come from you as though you are the expert, heck you did not put yourself in this position. Help is on this site if he will get on and read.

He must not respond to her E-mails or any other contact, that's what NO CONTACT means. If he writes the letter, he won't leave any grey area. Is her marraige all wine and roses? I doubt it, you must be careful and realize that she and your H may be in withdrawal from each other. I would personally not advise that you contact her, I would probably have done so myself, but I KNOW that I would have been hysterical at best.

If the military wants to take action about the A, then they will both have to face the music. They knew the risk when they entered the inappropriate relationship.

Well, I did not mean to ramble, don't really know what I can say to help but I will do what I can.
Peace to you, Ladysing

<small>[ October 27, 2002, 08:22 PM: Message edited by: Ladysing58 ]</small>

ac6231,
Just checking on you, are you okay?

Sorry it has taken so long to get back. It's been a hectic week. Things are getting better. They are certainly not getting worse. Which I guess means that they are getting better. He came home Monday from TDY and it was kind of uncomfortable, although I think it was more me than anything because I wanted to talk, but was so afraid to say anything. I guess I'm still in that phase of being so relieved and happy that he is home. But, we talked on Tuesday. I told him that I needed some reassurance on where we stand. I also told him that my greatest fear was that he was using me for a place to stay and be comfortable. And that maybe he had no intentions of working on the M. He said that is not what his intentions are and that he has a place to go now if he wanted to but he has no desire. He's still here and wants to work on things. He said it's very hard for him and he knows it is for me too. I told him how I feel about the OW contacting him through email and that I would like him to stop contacting her. He had a very difficult time with this, not anger, but I could tell he was struggling. He explained that he was "not ready" to stop talking to her because he feels that there are only two people he can really talk to about our situation and that is me and her. He said that he feels the closeness of the "friendship" with her fading because he is able to talk more with me and feels more comfortable doing so. He said while he was gone he finally realized that there is nothing ever that could happen again between them because she went back to her husband and is happy and doesn't want to leave him. So, he realized he needs to move on with his life. He also said that he has felt glimmers of hope for us as well. He said there was a point while he was gone that he missed me and wished I was there with him. We compromised that if he was going to still contact her for now that he must tell me when there is contact. I agreed with that for the time being to let him find his way out of the fog completely. I think because of the distance it's fading on it's own. He said that he feels that things are alot better than they were when he left for BNCOC and he likes it but he's afraid that it's only temp because of the situation. I feel that I should have stood my ground more about the NC, but at least we were able to compromise and he acknowledged that it's not fair to me and he feels bad about it. He said later that he didn't even know if he would still feel she was a friend after a few more weeks. I don't want to make excuses but I know he is afraid to give up that safety net of letting her fill that one EN of talking. But, I'm hoping maybe as we work on things and I'm able to fill that need more it will work out and we can revisit the issue in the future. Now, I know that you are wondering how will I know if he is being honest about the emails. I know his ID and password, so I know when she emails him. But, he doesn't know that I know this. My gut feeling is that things are definitely on the path to recovery. I think that he is almost out of the fog and almost through with withdrawl. So, I just keep my head up and work on myself to make me a bette person no matter what. What is your opinion? I know that it's not the outcome of absolutely NC, but at least the feelings have been put on the table and he is thinking about them. It was interesting that I did pose a question to him that really made him think. I asked him how contacting her was beneficial to our marriage? And he really stalled on that one and finally said it's not and I know it's wrong and not fair. At least everything is in the open and we are communicating about it instead of tiptoeing around. Am I being naive? Thanks for your posts, they really make me feel better about the whole situation. Hope to hear from you soon.

ac6231,
I am going to say some things that you might not want to hear.

First, he says that he is not ready to give up contact because he can only talk to two people, you and her. This is one person too many. He has not given her up.

He says that nothing will happen because she has gone back to her H and seems happy. I hate to tell you, but many here will say that they thought that their spouse was happy and they had NO IDEA that an A was going on. She can have two men if your H can have two women...

He sees "a glimmer of hope" for your marriage? As long as he is involved in any way with her, you are fighting a losing battle.

You believe that he is almost out of the fog and through withdrawal? He has not begun to do these things because he has admitted to you that he is not ready to give her up. It seems that he is stringing both of you along. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Now, I don't want to say that because of these things there is no hope. Have you gone back to the opening page and read the basic concepts section? I am no expert, but I believe that you need to read all you can and I will pray that you can get him to read also.

PLEASE do not give up, but PLEASE do not let yourself be treated as second best. Your H only needs one woman to confide in and as long as he is dividing that confidence, you cannot take those steps towards rebuilding your marriage.

You have made a lot of progress and he knows where you stand. Now, do your homework and start fighting for your marriage!

Prayers to you, Ladysing

<small>[ October 31, 2002, 06:50 PM: Message edited by: Ladysing58 ]</small>