I have appt w my paster to begin to fess up to my A. I'm very scared.

WS or BS what will the beginning be like? I really don't want a divorce I just want to make things right.

I keep hearing Churched people say, woops A, grounds for divorce, it was deserved. They shouldn't have done it! No questions asked. Is this how it really is? It right in the Bible

Frozbat,
I'm glad you are here, there are so many here who can offer advice. First, I want to tell you that my H confessed his A to our pastor and the pastor advised him not to tell me. This was a huge mistake! If you want to heal your marriage you must tell your spouse everything. Total honesty is the key to the road to recovery.

As far as "churched" people using adultery as an excuse for divorce, I don't believe that the bible TELLS you to divorce. The bible uses this reference as an acceptable reason to for the BS to divorce, but I think that it also teaches the value of forgiveness. (I am the BS) I think that God would rather see us reconcile than divorce unless there is abuse.

To answer the more specific question of what this will be like for you, I will say that it is different for everyone. Does your spouse suspect? Is the A completely over, NO contact? The circumstances will make it different for everyone but the BS will most likely be in shock. For me, it was the worst thing that ever happened to me, it took months for me to function normally and I was totally depressed. Expect this to totally disrupt your lives and expect that you will have to be willing to answer any questions that arise.

I will not offer any more advice because this site has the information that you need. Go to the opening page and click on the infidelity section and read EVERYTHING that you can. I will pray for you. Ladysing

P.S. there is another thread that deals with the biblical implications of divorce, I will look for it for you.

Found it, it's titled: Question about the bible and adultery. I bumped it up for you, hope this helps.

Thank you for bumping the post!.

A has been over for almost 2 years, no contact for many months, NONE.

For what it's worth. I killed the A, I killed the contact. The guilt is tormenting me...

Why did your Paster tell your H not to divuldge the info?

Frozbat,
I wish I could get my H to talk to you, he finally told me because he simply could not live with the guilt. I think the the pastor gave him bad advice because he was not trained in marriage counseling and subscribed to the common belief that "what they don't know won't hurt them". He thought that divulging the A (which was also long over) would probably lead to a divorce, which in his opinion was worse than my H living with his guilt. Of course this is wrong because a marriage is supposed to be built on trust. As long as you are lying to your spouse, you are living a lie and your marriage is not honoring to God.

I will pray for you both, this is the horrible thing to happen in a marriage but I believe that your questions here show true remorse. I would advise you not to make this a public issue, the less people that know the easier it will make it if you stay together. People will take sides and make judgemental comments and you don't need that. Recovery is possible and I pray that you are able to find peace and save your marriage.

Our church is very focused on strengthening marriages and deeply into the Harley's books. in fact, I know of one couple that has survived an A.

We are new to Chruch, but there has have been so many issues in our marriage, I beleive this may be the straw that broke the camels back. Not infidelity issues, but commuincation (or lack thereof), money, kids, family.

I just want to put everything behind and start over. I am open to change. My BS, is closed and very difficult to open up, for anything. I think she may just say, "see ya".

There have been many times in my marriage where I've questioned whether she loves me at all or just stays with me because of the kids. Because it is easier and this is her 2nd M, my 1st.

I don't know... I also feel worse because I've buried the A for so long. I've buried it because I don't want her to leave me. Not only did I have an A, but I've also hid it, in my twisted little mind I think that magnifies the offense (if that is at all possible).

But we've started counseling (again) and she's made a breakthrough, now I have to turn around and throw everything away but confessing the A.

froz ~

Most people, after the initial shock, want to work things out. No promises, no guarantees, but it sounds like you are in a good community who will provide both of you with support.

I am a BS in a successfully recovered marriage. I can honestly say that our marriage is now deeply satisfying to me - something that could not have occured before his affair. Radical honesty is a must. The protection and safety that it will provide you and your wife in the future will bring the two of you closer than ever. But first, you've gotta get the secrets out in the open.