Well, it sounds like you have a concience...it's just a bit uneducated. I actually remember being in that spot...knowing it was wrong but not being able to come up with strong enough answers as to why. If you allowed yourself to, you could probably make justifications that would quiet your concience til it was almost inaudible.
I can tell you "why" quite simply, but it won't make a whole lot of difference until you do the "work"...do the soul searching and educating until you really, deeply, understand for yourself "why". I know people kept explaining to me, but because I still just didn't "get it"...it all came across as opinion and judgement.
There's a ton of great information on this site, there are plenty of fabulous books we could recommend, and I highly recommend finding a good counselor. But to answer your questions:
Why can't you stop thinking about him? Because your feeling the "high" that attraction gives you. He makes you feel special and desired, or maybe he talks to you about things you enjoy talking about. He does something that your husband either has never done or isn't currently doing quite enough of. You can stop thinking about him if you come to the realization that it's just attraction...not fate or better chemistry or any special cosmic connection. Take it from someone who almost divorced Mr Wrong...only to wake up JUST IN TIME to discover he was Mr Right all along...I was just stubborn and blind.
Why do you keep repeating the same mistakes? Because you don't understand how to change it yet. Because you haven't learned the skills to control your emotions and because you haven't figured out what to do at home to fill the voids you have in your marriage, with your husband.
Why don't you feel guilty? Because, as of yet, you don't really realize how devestating the things you've done could be. Both to your husband and to any other parties...children or wives. It all seems so easy to walk away with little remourse when you don't have to live through the consequences that actions bring. Imagine your best friend in the world coming to you contemplating suicide, beside herself or himself with grief because they found out their spouse is having an affair. Imagine children seeing their parents crying and fighting and begging for another chance with no understanding why. Imagine your husband sobbing with pain and grief imagining you and the family friend in an intimate embrace. The things that leave you with little guilt aren't minor to the people who don't yet know about them.
Telling your husband you contemplated having an affair should have clued him in that there was a problem that needed to be dealt with. Maybe he thought he did the right thing...maybe he hoped you'd learned a lesson and it was behind you. Whatever his failure in that area...it's yours too. You BOTH need to search to find a new solution...one that works for the marriage, not just for you. All I know is that I complained I tried it all...tried everything I knew and the marriage just wasn't working. And 2 weeks before I almost was rid of it, I realized it was everything I'd ever wanted...I had just been too stubborn and selfish to do the hard work to get it where it needed to be.
Whatever you decide to do...whether to end the marriage with the idea there's better out there, or whether to find the solutions to make the most out of the marriage you have...DON'T have an affair. It may seem exciting and fun...but it's miserable...and you WILL feel the guilt and consequences of your actions. It's just the absolute wrongest path you could take.
Good luck!!
