My questions are why don't I feel guilty and why do I keep repeating my mistakes?

About a year ago I made a new friend. We flirted (this is my nature) and had a lot in common (all the things I don't have in common with my husbad). Eventually our conversations became personal and my unhappiness with my marriage came out. We toyed with the idea of having an A, but never got passed that first kiss. We opted not to go for the A because I felt I had too much to loose (my "in-laws" and family); not because I felt guilty.

I told my husband that I was unhappy and had considered having an A. He never asked who and he tried to solve the problems. My solution to the problems backfired (I won't go into details) and it is almost a year later and I am still not happy.

About 2 years ago a friend started a joke about me and another friend (also married) having an A. We all went along with the joke as we are a VERY close group of friends (travel, parties, birthdays, etc...). After one of our trips the MM and I met for lunch to share pictures from the trip. We realized we were going to be in the same city at the same time. Decided to hook up for dinner. There is no doubt other ideas were in the back of our minds.

We coordinated our schedules so we could have dinner and go out. One thing led to another and we almost had sex. Some of the things that stopped us was our friendship with eachother, his friendship with my husband, his children, but the scary thing is the biggest red flag (other than his children) was that we had other feelings for eachother that may manifest into something we wern't ready for (or didn't want). I still do not fee guilty (and neither does he).

Maybe my question comes from guilt. I can't stop thinking about him, which I guess is normal AND I know I would never leave my husband (or him his wife). Why do I keep repeating the same mistake (getting attached to other men)? Why don't I feel guilty?

Well, it sounds like you have a concience...it's just a bit uneducated. I actually remember being in that spot...knowing it was wrong but not being able to come up with strong enough answers as to why. If you allowed yourself to, you could probably make justifications that would quiet your concience til it was almost inaudible.

I can tell you "why" quite simply, but it won't make a whole lot of difference until you do the "work"...do the soul searching and educating until you really, deeply, understand for yourself "why". I know people kept explaining to me, but because I still just didn't "get it"...it all came across as opinion and judgement.

There's a ton of great information on this site, there are plenty of fabulous books we could recommend, and I highly recommend finding a good counselor. But to answer your questions:

Why can't you stop thinking about him? Because your feeling the "high" that attraction gives you. He makes you feel special and desired, or maybe he talks to you about things you enjoy talking about. He does something that your husband either has never done or isn't currently doing quite enough of. You can stop thinking about him if you come to the realization that it's just attraction...not fate or better chemistry or any special cosmic connection. Take it from someone who almost divorced Mr Wrong...only to wake up JUST IN TIME to discover he was Mr Right all along...I was just stubborn and blind.

Why do you keep repeating the same mistakes? Because you don't understand how to change it yet. Because you haven't learned the skills to control your emotions and because you haven't figured out what to do at home to fill the voids you have in your marriage, with your husband.

Why don't you feel guilty? Because, as of yet, you don't really realize how devestating the things you've done could be. Both to your husband and to any other parties...children or wives. It all seems so easy to walk away with little remourse when you don't have to live through the consequences that actions bring. Imagine your best friend in the world coming to you contemplating suicide, beside herself or himself with grief because they found out their spouse is having an affair. Imagine children seeing their parents crying and fighting and begging for another chance with no understanding why. Imagine your husband sobbing with pain and grief imagining you and the family friend in an intimate embrace. The things that leave you with little guilt aren't minor to the people who don't yet know about them.

Telling your husband you contemplated having an affair should have clued him in that there was a problem that needed to be dealt with. Maybe he thought he did the right thing...maybe he hoped you'd learned a lesson and it was behind you. Whatever his failure in that area...it's yours too. You BOTH need to search to find a new solution...one that works for the marriage, not just for you. All I know is that I complained I tried it all...tried everything I knew and the marriage just wasn't working. And 2 weeks before I almost was rid of it, I realized it was everything I'd ever wanted...I had just been too stubborn and selfish to do the hard work to get it where it needed to be.

Whatever you decide to do...whether to end the marriage with the idea there's better out there, or whether to find the solutions to make the most out of the marriage you have...DON'T have an affair. It may seem exciting and fun...but it's miserable...and you WILL feel the guilt and consequences of your actions. It's just the absolute wrongest path you could take.

Good luck!!

Confused,
I don`t know why you have the need to look for happiness elsewhere, but it sounds like the same thing my wife is going through. She told me she didn`t understand why she was looking for attention from anyone but me. When you find out why you keep repeating it let me know. Have you asked your husband to go into counceling? Maybe a marriage builders weekend to help you both understand what it takes to have the love needed in a marriage. I am hopeing My W will go with me to one soon. I still love her even if she made a couple of mistakes. But I need a little from her before my love account is emty.
Good luck.
CD

Well said HOPE

Have you purchasd Surviving An Affair? If not do so also read Basic Concepts turn your H on to this site.

Once Again Hope4 that was very well put.