This is some wisdom that I've gathered from different posters and added my thoughts to. Was hoping that might be helpful to those of you struggling with Plan A and love busting.
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Have you read BrambleRose’s post on Plan A… it’s a must read.
How to be a doormat in Plan A. It may surprise many BS as to what this means… Being a doormat in Plan A does not mean that the BS has no boundaries and allows the WS to walk all over them.
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PLAN AThe major mistakes I see in Plan A are:
1) The BS doing nothing to interfere or attempt to break up the affair in acceptable ways.
2) Plan A’ing for too long, to the point that it becomes a lifestyle with great payoff for the WS and little for the BS.
3) Tip toeing around the WS by not telling them how the affair is hurting the BS. Basically acting as though the BS is afraid to upset the WS in any matter. This can lead to great emotional abuse of the BS.
4) The BS does not do Plan A for the WS or for themselves. It is done to break up the affair and begin marital recovery.
5) Totally misunderstanding what is and what is not a love buster and thereby never setting proper boundaries.
While becoming a better, more patient, more loving spouse can be a side affect of plan A, that is not it’s purpose. Plan A is a strategy to separate the spouse from the lover. (Or perhaps to pull a spouse out of deep withdrawal, but that's not your issue right now.) Nothing more, nothing less. Plan A will not save or restore your marriage. It is simply a tool to show your spouse that you recognize the contribution you've made to the deterioration of your M, and that you are willing, able, and determined to change those things.
Plan A is also about meeting needs as much as you feel you can. If you can make love with your H and not go away angry and resentful... go for it!! But if not, then Be pleasant, courteous, thoughtful, respectful. No demands, no disrespect, no losing your temper, no dishonesty, and no doing things that annoy or offend your spouse. (annoying behavior does have a qualifier when there is an A, and we will talk about that too.) Plan A is not about being perfect, being a doormat, or being a perfect doormat!
Plan A can be done in a letter if that is all you can muster. Plan A should have a deadline, as it's not an indefinite lifestyle choice. Most women cannot do Plan A as long as men. Some cannot even do it for a day, the pain of knowing their H is with OW is too great. Most women plan A for about 2-3 weeks, most men for about 6 months. Plan A is not a life style.
When it is said that the BS should do nothing to break up the affair, it’s a bit of a misleading statement. Plan A and Plan B are attempts to break up the affair. Acceptable and unacceptable ways to break up an affair.
It is unacceptable to try breaking up the affair using tactics such as threatening or using violence, stalking either the WS or the OP.
Acceptable ways to put pressure on the affair in Plan A/B:
1) Plan A and then if necessary Plan B.
2) Tell everyone: your parents, his parents, your religious leader, your other loved ones and close friends. Ask for their support in ending the A and saving your marriage.
3) Tell the WS that they are hurting you (the BS) every time there is contact. Do not give the WS the impression that you can get by.
4) Tell the WS that they are offending you grievously, that you are hurt beyond belief and that you are in pain. All of this helps break the shroud of secrecy and protection around the affair. It puts pressure on the affair.
5) Confront the OP. Tell OP that you love your WS and that you want your marriage to survive. Tell OP that he/she is contributing to the destruction of your home and your family. Beyond this do not contact the OP. Do not set up a relationship with them. They are incidental to the problems in your marriage. Given time the affair will almost always end whether or not you and you WS remain together. Affairs are based on fantasy. Tell the OP’s spouse.
6) Tell your children. Yes... tell them. They already know, so give them the gift of honesty.
7) Now, in the interim, there are things you can do. Confront the OW.
8) If your spouse is in the military talk to the Chaplin, their commander, family support and anyone else you can to get support. Their commander can put a lot of pressure on them, change their assignment to interfere with the affair, and so forth. Criminal charges can be filed. And so forth.
This will make the WS angry. The Policy of Joint Agreement does not apply. The marriage has already been breached. Telling is a way of stopping the bleeding so to speak. A way to end the A, to pick of the pieces of the destruction he is wreaking.
Affairs do not survive in the light of day. Doing everything you can to end it is encouraged. Once again, this is against every instinct we have, but it works.
Affairs do not last long when the OP is meeting limited needs and the WS is just having a wonderful time having their cake and eating it too. All the while the BS is.
Plan B is risky. At first it will certainly push the WS into the arms of the lover. But almost all affairs die a natural death. And that is hastened by being exposed to the light of day. Affairs exist and thrive only in secret and in fantasy. Once the harsh realities of life... kids, schedules, finances, laundry (!!) intrude, they lose their appeal.
Soon the arguments set in, withdrawals to the LBnk are made and the A comes to an end.
The time to go to Plan B is when: You are LBing more? Not sleeping well? Poor appetite? Losing your ability to concentrate? These are things that you need to take into account. Plan A is not sustainable indefinitely, and the more your love bank drains, the harder it will be to continue.
The 2 biggest mistakes with Plan B are not going to Plan B in time, and not insisting on the conditions for recovery. NO ONE wants to do Plan B. It goes against every instinct we have. But MB is about going against instincts. Harley says it over and over again on every topic he covers. Doing what our instincts tell us to do only gets us into trouble.
A Plan B letter should be short and to the point. It must include these
1. I love you
2. I married you for life. I want to stay married to you.
3. This thing you are doing is too painful for me to bear; it is destroying the love I have for you.
4. As long as you have contact with this person, I cannot see or speak to you.
5. When this affair ends, I would love to discuss reconciliation and recovery with you.
6. Until then I ask that you not contact me. All issues relating to children/finances/etc should go through____ who is acting as intermediary.
There is so much emphasis on ending the A and plan A, that people lose sight of the fact that ending the A is just one of two equally important parts in rebuilding the M. The second, and probably toughest part, is recovery. If the BS has very little love left for the WS, the recovery part may already be doomed because the BS will not put the sufficient effort to work his/her part and may use the WS's equally lukewarm response as enough proof to jettison the M and head straight to divorce. This is why plan B is an important component to the goal of rebuilding the M.
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COMMON MISCONCEPTION ABOUT LOVE BUSTERS Many BS believe that insisting on no contact would be viewed as a love buster by their WS. Technically, it's not. A lot of posters talk about a LBer as anything that the WS finds unpleasant. That's not the case. If it were, then honesty, especially radical honesty, would become impossible.
A Love Buster falls into one of these categories:
1. Demands. Insisting that your spouse do something for you regardless of how it would make him or her feel to do it. Refusing to accept "No," to your request, graciously. Either overtly or insinuating some threat if your wish is not complied with.
There's a whole layer of subtleties around Demands. And it is defined by the one being asked to do whatever. I tend to be VERY sensitive to demands. My H saying something like, we need to change the oil this weekend, or I need you to come and look at (whatever his current project might be) will almost always fall into the demand category for me.
Also, we cannot insist that our spouse NOT do something. Although technically this is not a Demand but a notification that they are in violation of POJA, unless you are both on the same page about that policy, it will be a love buster.
The way to avoid making demands is to state what it is you would like, and then to ASK, "How would you feel about doing______?" This statement forces you to take your spouse's feelings into account, and to accept,"No," courteously.
2. Disrespect. This is anything that imposes your value judgment on your spouse. It can be as small as rolling your eyes at something he/she says, or as large as name calling, put-downs. One that is common for BS's is to question the WS's morals, standards, ethics, care of children.
While we may all agree with those assessments, to state them to your spouse is disrespectful. You can THINK whatever you want, but you need to monitor what comes out of your mouth.
3. Angry Outburst. Losing ones' temper and having a screeching tantrum is easy to recognize.
But an AO can be quiet and just as cutting. It's an action that is punishing in some way. (This does not include removing oneself from abuse or pain or neglect.... unless you hurl a rolling pin at his head on your way out the door.)
Threats are included in this category. So if you are planning to go to Plan B, then you need to make the plan and do it. Threatening would be an AO.
4. Annoying Habits. Things like slurping coffee, snoring, leaving your shoes all over the house, and collecting junk. All these are annoying habits. Things you do that make your spouse insane with irritation.
5. Independent Behavior. Monday night football, affairs, shopping with the girls, hunting, your religious practices. Lifestyle choices that are planned and executed without the enthusiastic agreement of both parties. Business travel falls into this category.
6. Dishonesty. Leaving your spouse in the dark on any of these subjects: 1. Past history 2. Present activities 3. Daily plans and schedule 4. Future plans, hopes, dreams, 5. Feelings and reactions... particularly to your spouse's behavior 6. Anything else you know to be true about yourself
Now, no contact in order to protect yourself from further pain does not fall into one of those categories. Will the WS be unhappy with that? Duh!!! Of course he/she will. But his/her unhappiness will be the direct consequence of his/her betrayal of you and his/her vows.
You are not hurting the WS. He/she has chosen to hurt themself by hurting you. No one, and least of all Harley, believes that you should be in pain in order to save your marriage. If you ever get a chance to hear him, he speaks about this all the time. That his concern is with YOU, the BS. He does not want you to suffer any more than you already are.
If your spouse is unhappy with n/c, then it's up to him/her to do the things HE/SHE needs to do in order to have you in his life.
<small>[ October 26, 2002, 11:34 PM: Message edited by: zorweb ]</small>
