I need to be hit hard in the head. This Plan A is harder than I thought. I did pretty well last week, but she calls me today and I sort of blew it. I started really, really well but then I couldn't help it. At the end she even told me, "yes, sure you start with all this sweet talk and see how we are fighting now. I really don't believe you." I threw some LB's, and some "you" statements. I am finding it hard because it is all very frustrating.

Why? Because it is very frustrating to only hear negative and pessimistic things from my her. All she talks about is how I never met her needs and how I can never meet them. Whatever I say she questions my motives and makes the wrong assumptions about my intentions. She is now saying that we can not agree on things regarding our son because we have a problem communicating (true) but that she's not willing to work on our communication until after the divorce. So, how are we going to resolve our son's issues? She tells me she does not want to be in the same car as me nor in the same city as me. She even asked me to initiate the divorce myself! She does not respect that I don't want a divorce but expects me to do exactly what she wants or else it is more of the "you see why we can't be together." She discounts my feelings about the A because to her it was not an affair, yet she does not explain to me why or how it wasn't an affair. I believe she still justifies it because to her our marriage was not valid because she really never loved me. When I ask her if I was living under a big lie all these years, she says that no, that I was confused all this time and she's sorry for that.

I am going crazy. Maybe I'm not cut out to do this. Maybe she's right, we would be better off with the divorce. It seems to me that to her, the divorce will resolve a lot of things about our R because there will be NO relationship.

<small>[ October 27, 2002, 04:13 PM: Message edited by: utterlyconfused ]</small>

You continually make the same mistakes. Learn from them.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
<strong>You continually make the same mistakes. Learn from them.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I must be stupid then... Give me some pointers, how? when you are constantly bombarded with accusations, misinterpretations, etc.

It takes discipline. She's baiting you so that she doesn't have to do the actual dirty work of divorcing you. She wants you to end you marriage for her. It's a defense so she can maintain her fairly tale life she's created. If she succeeds in getting you to end the marriage she can continue to blame you for her failure. Remember, no one but you can control your emotions. No one can make you mad ... you choose it. Choose not to get mad.

My WW was absolutely horrible to live with for two months ... angry, bitter, outwardly hostile. I railed against my instinct to protect myself and just showed her love. It's hard to be angry and hostile toward someone who keeps showing you love. It was a terrible time for me. I rode it out. One week before our D-Day her hostility vanished which allowed the lines of communication to open ... which allowed us to have a D-Day ... which has allowed us to negotiate ... which has allowed us to begin to share our feelings without blame. We still have a long way to go and our marriage may not make it. But we're talking again and that's been wonderful.

And you're not stupid. Just hurting and tired of being beaten by someone you love. It's hard to find the strength sometimes and you're not going to be perfect always. But focus on being more perfect today than yesterday ... and so on. use this board as your place to LB. Vent to your cat. Find a counselor ... and it doesn't have to be a professional. Find someone who will simply listen to you. Cry.

<small>[ October 27, 2002, 04:44 PM: Message edited by: whippit ]</small>

Utterly Confused: You've been nice and full of good ideas responding to my posts, so I had to answer yours.

Let me tell you that you sound like a wonderful, committed man and you are obviously trying very hard with your wife, despite being treated like crap. It sounds to me like your wife is the big loser in this. Many of us women would appreciate such a sensitive, committed man in their life.

Hang in there. Your signature line doesn't include any info about you or how long you've been going through this. Just remember that whatever mistakes you've made, you've made with the best of intentions..you're just human. We've all made them and that's why we're here on this site..for strength and some guidance, and to vent to people who understand the hell we're going through.

I think those of us on this site are probably the nicest people in the world. I mean, what other kind of people would put up with what we put up with, and still want that person and that marriage even after hurt, pain, and constant rejection?

Keep posting. Thinking of you!

I had an opportunity of a come back tonight and I did well. Right before she called I thought about what I was doing wrong and decided to watch my emotions.

She kept pushing me to file for divorce and I reminded her that we both wanted something different from this situation. She wants a divorce and I want to work on the M. I asked her to not push me and to respect my beliefs and values and that she knew when she married me that I did not believe in divorce, that I believe in working on a M to resolve problems.

I also told her that I believe in her and when I think about somebody else in my life, I don't know where I am going to find someone like her. I told her that she's the best thing that's happened to me. I said that even though she did not fill all my ENs, I believed in her potential to do so. She told me she can't. She told me, "I can't give you that." I responded, "I am sorry you feel that way, but I believe you can."

She asked me specifically what needs she did not fill and I told her that was another conversation in itself and that I wasn't ready to talk about that. She insisted so I said, let me tell you of a couple, your lack of respect and your lack of appreciation for me. As far as the respect was concerned she said that wasn't the case in the beginning. I told her, "I will be fair to you, maybe you did respect me, maybe you didn't but the bottom line is that I felt you didn't from the beginning." She asked me to give her examples and that she wasn't going to try to refute them. I gave her three examples and stopped there because she started defending the third one.

I told her that I wasn't going to stop the divorce. That I love and respect her so much that if that is her decision, it will hurt me tremendously but I can do nothing to stop her. She asked me when did I start feeling this way. I said that I have felt this for a while but that she hadn't given me the chance to express it because she was always accosting me and I felt the need to defend myself. Probably the only LB of this conversation.

She was skeptical about this and I told her not to misunderstand me, that I was not going to just lie there while she proceeded with the divorce. I told her that it was not my priority in my life. My priority is our son. I was not going to facilitate it and I was in no hurry to finalize it.

Finally, she said she didn't think it was healthy for me to have hopes because to her she cannot work on the M, we cannot make it work and is not interested so there are none. I told her that I am sleeping well, working well, eating well and for the most part I am O.K. and that I am not worried about my health. This situation hasn't really affected it.

<small>[ October 27, 2002, 08:36 PM: Message edited by: utterlyconfused ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Kimmy1:
<strong>Your signature line doesn't include any info about you or how long you've been going through this.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Thanks for the words of support Kimmy. Here's my story:
First Post

I haven't been able to reply to your other post because I have been caught up with these phone calls with my W all afternoon and evening.