The Funks back again. Well, Mrs. Funk anyway. This past month has been just hell for me. Nothing but pure torture in my own mind. The hell I have created, and I feel I may never be whole again.

I haven't posted in some time. H & I have been separated most of the month September and all of October. I was seeing OM during most of ths time, only to come to the conclusion that I had made the biggest mistake a wife could make. I betrayed my husband, and never gave my marriage a fighting chance! Why didn't I see this before? My mind was clouded with the infamous FOG you all have been trying to make me see. All I saw was negativity in my marriage. I was about to send in D papers, and I got a townhouse to rent. I move in on Saturday and I am paralyzed. I cannot touch or look at the D papers. I cannot pack a box. All I can think of is how to save my marriage before it's too late. I miss my husband so much. I cry constantly with remorse. I cannot keep it together at work. Tried to go to my new place to paint yesterday and I couldn't finish.

We were a team. We want the same things. He is my best friend in the world. This wasn't supposed to happen. I never looked for this. All I wanted was to be happy and to feel loved. H tried to show that to me towards the end and all I saw was that it "wasn't really him" - not that he was trying to change. He made so many efforts and I pushed them away. How could I ever do that? Treat him so terribly? Someone I love and cherish so much.

What do I do? He reads this board often I think, but I have nowhere else to turn it seems for this kind of advice.

My therapist wants me on meds. She tried to hold off, but I can't cope, so she suggested I get on them.

H will be moving back into our home on Sunday (the day after I leave). He will be moving renters in in Jan. He wants to buy me out, and wants me to file before Dec 31st. How can I stop this? This is not what I want. I miss him terribly. I miss my old life. I want my husband.

OM and I are through, and it's for certain. H doesn't believe me, and I don't expect him to. The relationship betweem OM & I was too negative for me to handle, it was tainted from the start. I can see the type of person he is now...it took me too long to realize. My husband is a better man than he will ever be, and so full of good character that I didn't want to see.

Do I move in to my new townhome and try to start over with H from scratch? It's the only choice I see right now. I have to move...I have movers, the truck, I paid the deposit for rent, I started to paint. To back out now would seem too hasty.

He doesn't believe I am truly feeling this way. I have never felt depression like this...I cannot eat, sleep, function, and I feel like 1000 knives are in my chest at all times. I am a complete mess over this. I wasn't supposed to be divorced. I didn't want my marriage to fail, and I single-handedly took it to failure.

What can I do to make my H see that I want to reconcile?

Inafunk,

It seems to me the plan should be very straight forward. If I were running your life <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> , I would say:

1. get the anti-D's and use them properly.

2. Move into the townhouse and get it painted.

3. Continue to talk with your H and invite him over to your new townhouse as often as you are comfortable doing this.

4. Make sure OM is out of your life. You have gone back to him several times and your H's lack of faith in this latest change is very very justified, so you have to prove that this time it is for real, OM is gone and there won't be any other OM's.

5. Talk to him, and read here. I suspect this time much of what was said to you in the past will seem a bit different. Go back and read your old posts, and yes even H's old posts. I think you will see things much differently and you will see ways to attempt to rebuild your marriage.

Finally, Inafunk, it is not all over yet. Your H did love you, and I suspect he still does deep down, but he has been hurt. Rebuilding a marriage takes time and patience.

So set out on this path and do your best. You never know where life will take you, but if you truely want to rebuild this time, have patience with yourself and your H. He has a lot of healing to do as do you.

This can be done Inafunk, but you have to be at your best, so get the anti-D's and get going. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

God Bless,

JL

Thank you, JL...I always admire your advice to others. And don't think I haven't been reading here, I have. But I will take your advice and go back to our old posts...I'm sure I will see a monster (me). Not sure if I can emotionally handle reading what I wrote.

I cannot wait to get on anti-deps. Nov 4th I go for my intake interview. I think my head will be clearer and I can truly focus on repairing my marriage. I am very anti-drug and I put this off long enough. I want to be of sound mind for me and for my H.

You say:
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Continue to talk with your H and invite him over to your new townhouse as often as you are comfortable doing this. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Why do you say for him to come to my place? Wouldn't it be more beneficial to the marriage if we spent that time in our own home?

Also, I know he will not be able to pay the bills. I feel like I should help him finacially, even though he didn't help me while I was there alone. What should I do about this? I cannot pay 1/2, but I might be able to contribute something.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Make sure OM is out of your life. You have gone back to him several times and your H's lack of faith in this latest change is very very justified, so you have to prove that this time it is for real, OM is gone and there won't be any other OM's. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I realize I have no merit when it comes to OM. Only my actions and time can prove this to everyone. As for any other OMs, I can't even fathom the idea.

I just want my life back.

Inafunk,

You asked: </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Why do you say for him to come to my place? Wouldn't it be more beneficial to the marriage if we spent that time in our own home?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It is nothing standard or profound, but I guess my feeling is that you are embarking on a new part of your life. You are moving out of the house you and H shared and into your own house. It seems to me that you inviting him there sends several messages.
a) You want him in your NEW life.
b) There is no one elses toothbrush hanging around. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />
c) That you want him around you and you want him to feel comfortable with this current situation.

Nothing really profound here, but it seems to me the actions suggest you want him in YOUR life. Further, it may suggest that while you will have to live in the townhouse for awhile he is welcome there.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Also, I know he will not be able to pay the bills. I feel like I should help him finacially, even though he didn't help me while I was there alone. What should I do about this? I cannot pay 1/2, but I might be able to contribute something.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well, this seems to me something you should talk with him about. Along with the idea that you aren't going to file for divorce and that you want to try and get this back on track and build a new marriage.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I realize I have no merit when it comes to OM. Only my actions and time can prove this to everyone. As for any other OMs, I can't even fathom the idea. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Good, that you realize these things. It will be your job that he sees that they are true.

Do take the the anti-D's, but recall that they often take 14 days to really kick in.

I must go do some work, but it is good to see the real you not shrouded in the fog. As for the past posts, read them but read them for ideas on how to rebuild your marriage and how your H may be thinking. What his triggers might be, given what you and he have said here.

The rereading should not be done to remind you have how you have failed but to look for ways to succeed. You need to remember this. My suggestion is not made to punish you or cause you to feel more pain, it is made so that you can see the little things that can be changed. Look for them. If you find places where you cannot believe you said this: smile and realize you have indeed changed already.

Hang in there Inafunk. This can be done. Heck who knows even your H may decide to help once he becomes more convinced that OM is really out of the picture.

Must go.

God Bless,

JL

Mrs Funk please take this opportunity to work on yourself.

Get comfortable with being alone. Spend time with your own thoughts and in your own company. Without Mr. Funk or OM.

The way you sound right now is needy and frightened. Being needy and frightened MAY HAVE BEEN one of the reasons you got mixed up in an A in the first place.

Face yourself ... embrace this as a learning opportunity.

If you grow stronger ... your chances of rebuilding your M will improve. It is MY opinion, that you need to rebuild yourself first.

No one can rescue you from this hurt. You own this hurt, it is yours. Do not be afraid of this hurt. It will lead you to a better place, and a stronger you.

You need to be on an antidepressant ASAP. I think you have been running away. Stop running. Rest and love yourself.

Pep <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

Thank you JL & Pepper. I really appreciate both opinions.

As the day goes on, I feel calmer and clearer. I reread my post and I do seem scared. That's because I am. I am leaving a life that is all I know. My H, family and friends all see me as low class, not good enough for him, and I think they all would like to see me fall on my face. These are all terrifying things to deal with.

I see no other option right now than to move out into my new place. I think it's the only way things could ever get better between H & I. The only way that trust can be rebuilt.

I have a friend coming to help me paint tonight, so I think I'll be OK for now. Thank you both...

IAF

Mrs Funk, I know how you feel. I've been in those shoes and remember how uncomfortable and terrifying they were. It's good to hear your feeling better...and I'm so glad you're going to get on antidepressants. It's been almost 2 years since I was on them, and it only took a few months before I had a good enough grip to hold my own again.

Hubby has no reason to trust anything you say. You know that...so the only way for you to prove anything is completely and totally through your actions. Plan A Plan A Plan A. And remember that Plan A is more about you than it is about him or winning him back etc... It's about becoming a better person....stronger and whole.

Don't beat yourself up about what other people think. My hubbies family feels the same way about me, but they don't have to live with me every day. My hubby made his choice and they have to live with it. It doesn't hurt me that they will never think highly of me. It's their choice to hold on to my bad choices and mistakes. If you're holding up to your own standards, doing the best you can do...then hold your head high and leave them to their opinions. There will always be those who love us and those who never will....focus on those who already do!

Hi Inafunk,

I wanted to let you know that you are not alone. Iam in a similar situation although I never married.

I just wanted to convey that I was at the same point you recently found yourself in, not too long ago and I understand your feelings. The advice you have received today is right on the money. The only thing I would add is that your journey into yourself has just started and it will be tough, scary, and lonely at times. It will also be one of the most wonderful experiences of your life because you will find out EXACTLY what YOU are made of. Your roller coaster ride is just beginning so put your seat belt on and don't close your eyes! You will miss too many adventures if you do.

I am here to listen and to offer my own lessons if you want them. Just keep communicating your pain, no matter how deep, frustrating, or length of your story. We care and want to see you succeed.

PS.....

JOURNAL YOUR THOUGHTS

write things down..... put it into poetry ... weave it into a story ... PROCESS your pain ... don't run from it.

We're all rootin' for ya! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Pep <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

H4F...long time no see. Thank you for your words of comfort. I would love to PLan A, I just have no idea where to begin.

Time is so crucial right now, because he will be moving a renter in in Jan, and this person moving in doesn't want me to be around, and it seems H is more worried about him and what he'll say than our marriage. H said that his friend will be giving him a check as a deposit, and H's acceptance of it is kind of their agreement that I won't return. I'm guessing H feels the pressure to commit to his friend more than me, since he cannot trust me right now.

I have tried to talk to him, but he's very cold and stern about his decision to move on and get a D. I don't even know how to begin Plan A at this point, and how can I Plan A while we're separated and he refuses to see me?

I don't want life to take this turn...he wants D papers filed by Dec 31. His friend moves in Jan. I only have 2 months to prove my worth and to convince him to change his mind and give us a chance now that I'll be out of the fog and on my own. I suggested living separately, moving slowly, dating, etc so he can build up his trust in me. He's not hearing it. I don't want to give up this soon.

I try to encourage him by giving him examples of so many success stories here on MB, much more nightmarish ones. Why can't we get thru this too?

Honestly, I think rushing anything would be the wrong thing to do. Let him move his friend in...who cares if he wants you around or not? You're looking at a very tiny part of a whole great big picture, most of which isn't absolute.

Focus on you right now...not deadlines. These are the consequences...you can't get around that. Work on rebuilding yourself and your life and simply invite hubby to be a part of it. He's looking for consistency in action...not just words.

Inafunk

Wasn't one of your H's frustrations (after your A) the fact that you did not want to be physicaly intimate with him?

Can you honestly say to yourself that you want your H to be your lover again? If not then forgive me for saying this but a sisterly type of love is just not going to cut it with him.

For many of us men sex is not just physical release but a way to give and get affection. If you demonstrate an aversion to physical intimacy with your H, then you are denying him affection and the chance to give affection back to you.

I really hope that your H will reconsider the D and be willing to give rebuilding the M another chance.

Good luck and God bless.

TMCM...

Yes that is one of my issues, because I was treated like a piece of meat. I could see H's attempts to change that, but I didn't accept it then.

Our sex life was never bad, in fact it was very good. My problem was that I never felt as if we made love, instead I felt like I was his personal porn star. He sees how I felt that way now, and was willing to change it.

I suggested that we move slow...start to date. When one dates, they normally don't jump right into the sack. I was hoping that was something we could work our way up to.

Maybe I am holding onto something that will never work? I just want us to be on the same page for once. We never were thru this whole A. Now it all seems to be too late.

I feel the more obstacles that come in our way (renters, my new place, D papers,) the less of a chance we have for recovery. H has the outlook that once all those steps are taken, there's no going back.

Did you ever tell your H that sex with him was very good but that you really wanted desperately from him was tenderness that made you feel that he loved you very much? You might want to consider sending him a message telling him this among other things.

I told him that in the way I just told you. I also mentioned that I had trouble making eye contact with him, and after reading one of Kily's posts about "eye contact", I suggested we could try some exercises to make me more comfortable with it. He just thinks it's all too far gone.

I just wish for once we could jive. We really are good together when things are good. He just keeps saying, "You know I could never trust you, are you willing to deal with that?" As if to say I'd have to suffer some great hell from here to eternity. No, I couldn't deal with that, and that's why I think the dating will be a plus in this aspect. I told him I would tell him my needs and he could tell me his.

I know he needs affection, positive affirmation, reassurance, among other things. I need to feel trusted, loved, affection, and not controlled. These are going to be some really tough things to overcome, but I am willing to try. He is not. I think he has alot of influence by his friends & family to not return to me.

InaFunk,

I am sure he is under pressure or has received much advice by those that like him and love him to end this marriage. They don't want to see him hurting or being hurt any more. I would think that is fair don't you?

That doesn't mean this cannot work out. Personally, I think you need to realize the time lines here. Only just this month has OM been out of the picture. So are you surprised that your H doesn't want to work on this right now? I am not.

How long did the affair go on? It will take at least 6 months for you to come out from under the fog completely. I wouldn't worry about this other guy. That will take its course. I think you moving into your townhouse will help both of you, because it removes you two from a place where a lot of pain took place. Finally, if you don't want a divorce then this is really simple: don't file for one.

Inafunk, work on you. Show your H the woman you want to become and become that woman. Looking at your data, you have only been married 2.5 years. That means that your H has seen you as an adulteress for most of your marriage. Don't you think it might take awhile to change his mind and have him realize that there is really is a woman the loves him. He doesn't believe that now.

So, as I have said (so boaringly (new word) to so many others) give it time and patience. None of the events you are worried about save the divorce are show stoppers and even the divorce isn't one in the long run.

Inafunk, you have an uphill battle but this can be done. It is just not going to happen fast or soon, too much damage to heal for that to happen. Hope4 is right. You really want to take your time and do this right this time.

So hang in there. Let time and your own reflections on things heal you and your H. You must learn to stand on your own before you can successfuly depend on another, and I think it is time you learned that.

God Bless,

JL

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by inafunk:
<strong>I told him that in the way I just told you. I also mentioned that I had trouble making eye contact with him, and after reading one of Kily's posts about "eye contact", I suggested we could try some exercises to make me more comfortable with it. He just thinks it's all too far gone.

I just wish for once we could jive. We really are good together when things are good. He just keeps saying, "You know I could never trust you, are you willing to deal with that?" As if to say I'd have to suffer some great hell from here to eternity. No, I couldn't deal with that, and that's why I think the dating will be a plus in this aspect. I told him I would tell him my needs and he could tell me his.

I know he needs affection, positive affirmation, reassurance, among other things. I need to feel trusted, loved, affection, and not controlled. These are going to be some really tough things to overcome, but I am willing to try. He is not. I think he has alot of influence by his friends & family to not return to me.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The problem is that when two people are dating they do NOT have a history of hurt and betrayal. Would you date some old boyfriend who caused you so much heartbreak?

Sure he has a lot of influence by his friends and family to not return to you, but the biggest negative influence is you.

You said you feel the need to be trusted, loved, given affection and not controlled but unfortunately you lost this from him the moment you got involved with OM. The only way for you to get these things back from him is for you thru your actions. You have to earn them back.

He came back to you but you were not willing to meet his EN's and now you want him back, but he is asking himself why? So he can meet your needs while you sidestep his? Like I said before, this will not cut it with him anymore.

If he does decide to come back to you for one last try, you will have to meet his EN's first and put your EN's in the back burner for a time otherwise he'll just say to himself that it's no use in trying, and just leave you for good.

You might consider sending him a message that you will satisfy all his EN's without asking him to satisfy yours. Why? because at the very least it will start him thinking about returning and trying one last time. Once home with you, then you can start to use your influence on him by practicing the The Four Rules For A Succesful Marriage

Mrs Funk:

Wow, Cool! It's very good 2 hear from you, particularly with your new revelations!

You've been hearing from the BIG GUNS on the 4um! All very sound advice. I won't add anything, just restate that the best thing 2 do now is work on YOU and give Mr Funk all the time he thinks he needs.

Again, good 2 hear from you!