I need help with a dilemma I'm having. I know a woman who's been having an affair with a coworker for almost 2 years now. I don't like this woman much but for some reason she confides in me about her affair (our children are friends and she considers me a friend and is very talkative about her exploits - I'm cool but noncomittal and I think she thinks of this as acceptance).

I had decided to leave her and her lover to their own devides - I've always figured they'll get their own eventually, but lately I've been realizing how many innocent people they are hurting. Not only the wife (he is married, she is not), but also their children. His are doing poorly in school as of late (they're both high school boys) and hers are young (8 and 13 year old girls) and know about the relationship but may or may not understand it. I'm worried for these girls and the life example they are getting. The woman goes to church regularly and claims to be a devout Christian - apparently she and her lover are soulmates and God has meant for them to be together (yeah right).

Not least of all there is his wife to consider. I have figured up until now it's her business (according to the mistress the wife suspects but is too "dumb" too figure it out). That one put me over the edge as I was one of those dummies myself once. And although in my case I knew something was going on I believed it was my fault that the marriage wasn't well (that's what my husband told me at least - it was my suspicions that were driving him away). We are still married but there is significant damage.

I keep thinking back to what I went through when I think of the man's wife. I keep thinking I should call a friend of hers (I know who one of her friends is but don't know her personally). I would never call the wife myself because I don't think I could have handled it if a stranger had called me about my husband's activities. I do think back and wish I had someone to talk to and someone to tell me that I wasn't losing it. That I wasn't the one at fault. However I don't know how the friend will respond to a stranger calling her and giving her this sensitive/disturbing/upsetting information.

A long explanation, but my question is simple. Should I tell this friend of the betrayed wife about the husband's activities? I honestly don't know if I'm trying to do what is right for the woman and the families involved or if it is just my distaste for the mistress or my misplaced residual anger over my personal situation.

I've prayed about this and just don't know what to do. I had initially decided to stay out of it and let God sort it out. I really feel like these two will eventually get what they deserve (the woman really really wants to be married to this man - or any man really but feels this one is her best shot). But in the mean time I see innocent people suffering.

Help! Advice, opinions, anything!

That's heavy!

First i'd make sure that you really really check your motives befoer you deal this devastating blow. Then i'd ask myself what i'd want the outcome to be.

Personally i'd tell the friend, but not the wife.

Additionally, "we're meant to be" is the first verse to the other woman theme song. I should know, I was TOW for nearly 10 years. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

<small>[ October 28, 2002, 03:42 PM: Message edited by: Katie Scarlett ]</small>

beenthere2,
I won't be able to give any advice on what to do as I am pretty new to this too. I just wanted to comment on the God has meant for them to be together. It still amazes me how far people will go to justify their actions. She is a devout christian, I don't think so by a long shot. I'm sorry if this is a wasteful post, but that comment just blows me away, even though I've heard it before.

Take care, there will be others on this site that I'm sure will be able to give you sound advice.

HW

Beenthere2,
If the BW was a friend, for me the answer would be easier, to tell.

Contacting the 3rd person doesn't seem right, because for that person, it is hearsay, she can't confirm it for the BW, she doesn't have first-hand knowledge. Unless you and she tell the BW together.

But, if someone was telling me about their affair, I'd tell her I disapproved and all the reasons why--reasons you know very well from your own experience. You don't have to reference yourself if you want to keep your personal life private, the reasons infidelity are ruinous stay the same. If you don't consider her a friend anyway, just one of those proximity acquaintances, what would you lose? I'm not sure why you are noncommital? I think by listening, you are showing implicit approval, you seem to know too many details to account for being merely polite, you are actively listening.

If you stand up for moral values, you shouldn't feel awkward, she should.

I think public disapproval is a natural consequence for the OP, and they shouldn't be "protected" from it.

I'm not trying to be harsh, I just think it is odd that you are more comfortable contacting a stranger (the BW) than talking straight with someone who is confiding in you (the OW).

This is a very difficult position to be in it , now if you tell the wife , what the husband would say?? you will have to let her know concrete evidence that you are saying is true .. i just putting myself on BW position , if someone calls me and says that my H is cheating on me , i would like to have evidence to confront him , because i will asume that my H will deny the A .. but i would like is someone tells me straight what's going on .. hope you will decide what's best

This is a tough one. I think it's great that you are exploring your feelings before acting. My gut tells me that the "Right thing" to do is encourage your friend to end the affair with as much respect and dignity as possible. Encourage your friend to encourage her affair partner to tell his wife and try to save his marriage. You can expect a lot of resistance due to the fog. If you don't feel comfortable doing this a less involved approach would be to encourage all parties you know to seek counseling to gracefully improve the situation they are in.

Beenthere,

Have Been There myself. Once, many years ago, I had two friends, both worked at the same church I was active in...worked behind the scenes. I was volunteer, as was the woman (divorced). The man was a paid employee. I did not know the man's wife (who was SUPPOSEDLY very ill, and he
"couldn't leave her b'c of it" - ever heard of that one before?!?!)

Once I found out they were having an A, I told her I could not be her friend anymore unless she broke it off with him. I didn't know very much, I guess, and it didn't seem as tho I could have made that happen. I think I may have been somewhat naive, as I guess I should have stood more solidly behind the concept that they break it off.

Truth be told, I really don't know what did happen, as I did stop seeing her as a friend, and I quit my position working in the church in order not to see her anymore.

But I guess I just wrote this to let you know I understand the position it puts you in. You must stand on your own morals. As has been suggested to you, you must examine your own motive first, and know why you feel compelled to expose them. If your motives are truly for the salvation (not in saving as eternally, but saving the marriage), then go for it, but don't expect any pats on the back for it.

God Bless,

Beenthere, I think everyone is right...don't go to the third party (but answer if asked!?) BUT do tell this woman EXACTLY what you think of this behaviour. How disappointing and devestating.

It's not your responsibility to wake her up but perhaps your "ice water" on her steamy romance (gag) will serve as just the wake-up call she needs.

Cool things off with her. You don't condone her actions and they are more than hurtful.

I'm so sorry you are caught in the middle of this. I admire you for choosing the higher road.

I agree that by listening to discussions about the A you seem to be approving. You are not so I would suggest that you tell this person that you are uncomfortable hearing about the A because of the people that are being hurt by it.

I did this one time when a friend told me that her raquetball partner asked her to sleep with him (both married with kids). I told her that she should tell her H about the offer and not play raquetball (or any other game) with this guy again. I lost her as a friend, and she carried on a 6 year A with the guy and they both ended up divorced... <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

If I knew another human being was being destroyed behind their back, you can bet your [censored] I would warn them. Its a matter of simple common decency. It really doesn't matter what your motivations are [and they do sound pure], the moral obligation to warn someone about harm supercedes any lofty notions of "motivation." Please help this woman take steps to protect herself and her children from this man who is bent on their destruction.

devout christian? did she miss the commandment that says thou shalt not commit adultery? it never fails to amaze me that some people can use god as an excuse to do all sorts of wrong. how nice it must be that the almighty has excused her and this guy from all human decency personally! did she get a free pass in the mail, or was it an oral arrangement? in my opinion i think the wife has a right to know. do you speak on the phone with this woman ever? maybe you could tell the wife and offer to let her listen in? i think it's pretty obvious what you feel is the right thing to do. ask yourself this, would you want to be told? if so, then you must treat her with the same respect you'd like to be treated with. chances are she won't want to believe you, but doesn't she at least deserve the chance to decide? and maybe if you warn her, she can begin to look out for the clues her misplaced faith and trust in her husband have allowed her to ignore. at least if you tell her, she has a chance, and i think it's clear from your letter that you'd feel like you'd given her the chance nobody gave you. as for this friend, be honest with her and tell her that you think she's dirt! don't allow her to create another fantasy world with you like the one she has going with her married lover. by keeping quiet, you're enabling her to feel good about her choices in life. i can only speak from a personal standpoint, but i would rather get a heads up from a stranger, than to live in ignorance and false faith for years at a time! the wife deserves better, and the so called friend deserves to be with her cheating pig!!!