I think I'm finally losing it. After months of feeling stronger & stronger, doing good Plan A throughout WH's sordid A, even doing okay after he files for Dv. Then I had to discuss some Dv issues with him - property settlement, handling bills until Dv final, like that. And the fact that I think he's trying to take me for everything I'm worth. And of course once I talked to him, I lost it.

Kept really calm in my tone of voice, but I could tell I was pushing his buttons & enjoying it.
First of all, he has been calling his mistress in Indonesia while he's at OUR home in the States. That blew me away. How dare he bring his filthy affair into our home! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> And then he told me last week he wants to take over the phone account so he can have control over those bills (and presumably keep her phone # away from me?). Since I'm getting the house, I had already decided not to let him have any house accounts - I wanted to keep those under my name, and he could find somewhere else to stay while he's in the States during his month off. But I hadn't yet let him know that. Then I found he'd transferred the phone account to his name, his e-mail address, etc, without waiting to hear from me. That's when I decided it was time to confront him.

Well, we went through the phone issue - and he said fine, I could keep the accounts & bill him for the phone calls. And I really lost it! I told him flat out that he wasn't to bring his sleaze into my home but was to leave it in Indonesia where it belongs. That as long as he was living in my home he was to conduct himself with some decency & respect.

Then I asked him for an address in Indonesia where I could serve papers on him, and he refused to give it. So I told him that was okay, I had his work address & would serve him there. He blew up - predictably - and accused me of trying to embarrass him in front of his friends & co-workers. I told him he was doing a good enough job of that all by himself, but he was leaving me no choice if he didn't give me his house address. So he asked me why didn't I serve him at our home in the States, and I said that wasn't on my timetable - I had to wait for a whole month until he returned, and besides I didn't trust him as far as I could throw him, and once he was in the States who knew what damage he could do to me without my being there to protect myself.

I told him I'd invoice him for 1/2 all our household expenses until the Dv was final. And he said why did he need to pay 1/2 the household expenses now, since he'd never had to pay them before. And again I lost it. I got into the fact that he spent over $20K on OW, and that 1/2 that money was legally mine. And he said that we had agreed back in Aug, during our vacation together, that we would separate our accounts at that time. I said, yes but that was before I knew you were going to blow all YOUR money, and yet continue to claim that MY assets are 1/2 yours. That's exactly what he has been saying to me - that 1/2 our joint account & brokerage accounts & the house (which I bought & paid for) is his, while all the money he earns & his accounts are HIS! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

So needless to say it was ugly and not at all what I'd wanted to say. I kind of feel like I don't want him back any more. But then if I really felt that way, I wouldn't be obsessing over this, would I? So isn't it best to leave some door open?

And that's where I am now. Wondering what I'm thinking and feeling, how badly did I lose it, should I do something to make amends?

I feel so awfully low. I just sat up 1/2 the night with a bottle of wine, crying and wondering how I got to this point. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Can someone give me words of wisdom? Something to buck me up for a while until I gather my strength back? I'm in dire need....

<small>[ October 28, 2002, 04:15 PM: Message edited by: SH94 ]</small>

have you seen a lawyer yet? if not, i think it may be time to protect yourself. serve him at work if he refuses to give you his address. after all, you've been living according to his whims for this long and it hasn't done a thing for you but cause pain. it's time to take care of yourself! legally, i think you may be able to get back some of the money he's spent on his mistress, as it was a martial asset. and he should still be responsible for some bills. keeping them in your name is very good idea, can you look into cutting off his access to phoning her? maybe cut off your long distance and use only calling cards for your calls until he is gone. from your post, it sounds like you may already be well on your way to getting over him. the anger you felt is natural, and totally justified. you're being taken advantage of by a person who you should be able to trust with your very soul! if you truly don't want him back, you should probably sever all ties as quickly as you can. even if you do want him back, you may want to consider doing it anyway, or at least protect yourself from his financial actions. it's time to put yourself first, make sure your safe, and then decide what to do about him. i could be wrong though...

Thanks, Kristawny! I was feeling so low, as I'm sure you could tell from my post. I felt like I'd been doing so well following MB principles, and then had completely thrown them aside once it suited me to do so. I know I'm justified in being angry. And I know I should be protecting myself. And you know what? That's just what I'm going to do! Be angry with him, and protect myself. Because I think you hit on a very surprising point. I think I am on my way to getting over him. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I don't want to be vindictive or mean. But he has always manipulated me, even before the A, into making me think that everything he did was good and everything I did was evil. Hearing someone else say I'm justified in not wanting him to conduct his filthy A in my home, even if it's only over the phones... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> well, that makes me feel better.

I guess GQII is not the right place to be any more then. I'm in the Divorcing category now. And feeling pretty darn good about it.

<small>[ October 30, 2002, 12:06 AM: Message edited by: SH94 ]</small>