The last couple of days have been rough for me. I am feeling discouraged and really sad. Last night I cried after not doing so for more than two weeks. I thought I was feeling better but now I went back to this profound sadness. Telling her Sunday that I respect her decision to divorce me but that I don't want the divorce felt a little liberating. I felt good about the final conversation we had that day.
We briefly spoke last night about a medical insurance claim we have to submit for her and she told me that she received something for me in the mail where she is now. She said "see? another reason to end all this asap." I told her she was naive if she thought the divorce will solve everything. An LB for sure <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> . That's all we said.
The whole day yesterday I was dragging my feet for everything and so far it is the same type of day today. I feel a profound sadness (did I say that already?). I feel I can't go on. I am feeling down and weak.
What's the purpose of all this pain? Why does the person whom you trust the most betrays you that way? I don't believe her when she says she wants the divorce because "she wants to." That's not a valid reason. I tried to ask her in different ways to try to get to the real reason and all she says is "because she wants to". I don't believe her when she says this is not about the OM. I think that's why she won't answer my question when I ask what the real reason for the divorce is. Lately, she sounds desperate to get the divorce asap. I don't understand why. She wants it now (actually, more like yesterday). She even insisted that I file it because she thought I met the residency requirement here in the midwest and she doesn't in TX. What's going on? Why, all of the sudden is she in a hurry? About two weeks ago, she brought up for the first time the word reconciliation. She was still saying "if we reconcile." I really don't get it.
To top all this, she told me that something I did bothered her because she thought somebody else talked me into doing it and not her. The truth is nobody talked me into it, I talked our friend into doing it. But then she quickly said, "but it does not bother me anymore." So, why even mention it to me? I don't want to get my hopes up but if it bothered her, does she still feel something for me?
She compares her M to her sister's. Her sister's H is a person who is hard to deal with and hard to please, but my W says that her sister remains married to him because she loves him and can tolerate that. Why bring this example up? She's told me many times she does not love me and now claims she never has, but I am in no way like her BIL. I like him, get along with him, but he is still difficult. What is she trying to tell me? That it's hard being married to me? That the only reason to stay with me is if she loved me? Now, you understand why I picked the name I picked UC.
This is the worst h*ll I've ever experienced and she is the least sympathetic towards it. Isn't that what our marriage vows said "for better or for worse?"
Thanks for allowing me to vent.
<small>[ October 29, 2002, 10:59 AM: Message edited by: utterlyconfused ]</small>
