My W called me this afternoon for something she needed. We started talking and ended up talking about the R.

She still insists she's never loved me. She still insists I can never change and cannot make her happy and cannot ever love me.

I told her that makes me feel as an inept husband. She replies that I am not a bad person but that I am not the one for her. She asks how could we ever make it work? I tell her with God's help, a MC and our efforts. She says she's not interested. I asked her why did you want to try back in May? (At the time, I think she thought the OM was not going to break up with the woman "friend" he was seeing especially because he was not communicating with my W). She still insists this is not about the OM, it is about her freedom and independence.

She says she was not free to think by herself and express her ideas and do her own things. Looking back I can see where there were times that I screwed up in that respect, but I can also remember times that she was totally free to do anything she wanted. She insists she wants to be free. I tell her that freedom is also in her and has she ever thought about the possibility that sometimes she limited herself? I reminded her that back in April when all this started she asked me for freedom to explore the possibility with the OM and told her that freedom was not mine to give; she is a married woman.

Throughout all this, I told her she made me feel that I am an inept husband but that after I think it through I know and I am confident I can fulfill her needs and if not hers then somebody else's. The truth is I have faith in God and now that I've been given this huge shake up I have done a lot of soul searching and see the things that I've done wrong. I know I can make her happy. She then cries and tells me "I can't."

She cried several times during our conversation and on several ocassions she told me that she is sad that she "can't" and that it hurts her. She tells me several times "I'm sorry." I told her I understand; that I thought what she feels for the OM makes it hard to feel anything for me and that the only thing I ask for is to give ourselves a few months to cool off and then see a MC to consider the possibility of making the M work. I tell her to do it for our son and for ourselves. She complains that the last 10 yrs of her life were wasted because of me and she wants to make sure the next 10 yrs are not.

She cried again and asked me why I did not show her that I loved her all these years. I answered that I did, but that my mistake was that I did not show her in a way she could see it; in the way that she needed. I asked her "what about the possibility that maybe something in you did not see it?" I admitted that I wasn't filling all her ENs but it does not make me an inept husband.

She insists the M cannot work because there is no love in her for me. I tell her that love is a long term deal and that one of the ways love grows is by how we handle the lows in our M and this was a perfect opportunity to make our M work and love grow.

She says she does not want me to change because she is not interested. I told her I am changing what I feel needs changing about me. That I am doing it for me and that my biggest wish is that she benefits from my changes, but if not her, somebody else will.

I know there were a few LB's from me but we did not end up fighting; instead we expressed how each one feels. I told her how the A has affected me and she just says she's sorry, she never meant to hurt me. She's told me this a few times before we separated.

Why does she cry?
Why does she sound like she regrets that she cannot give me an opportunity?
Why does she say it hurts her that she cannot work on the M, cannot make me happy and that I am not the one for her?
Why is she so closed to the idea of a reconciliation?
What does she want from me?
Why? Why? Why?

^

<small>[ October 30, 2002, 07:29 AM: Message edited by: utterlyconfused ]</small>

Hi UC...me again <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I know I'm probably the worst one to be giving advice, because I'm not exactly what you would call STABLE right now. But I have been where your wife is right now.

Here's my take: She knows you are someone who she can count on, her best friend, and it is killing her that she cannot love you the way you love her right now. She doesn't want to lose that part of you. Also, she feels she doesn't deserve it. It hurts her to see you putting in so much effort, when none is coming from her end. She will ride this thing out with OM as long as she can. It's an addiction.

May I ask, has she always gone from one relationship to the next? She sounds as if she has, beacuse I have, and when I saw that things were not working out with OM, I would revert back to H.

I also felt I tried to get my H to love me for years. I actually begged for him to show me some type of emotional connection. He was always so rigid, very tough, etc. Never cried, he was too cool. I've said before that hugging him was like hugging a filing cabinet. Nothing there. I felt like his personal pornstar. Gropes & slaps galore. We hadn't really kissed for a couple years before the A. Cannot make eye contact with him. OM filled every one of those voids for me, and I thought that was the answer. I should've asked H to go to counseling before all this happened, but now I know for the future.

I feel I have made H feel inept as an H too. Telling him all the things he's done wrong. Digs at him during fights, etc. He's very resilient, though and he won't have a problem meeting people or carrying on a new relationship.

I would say back away. Let her do her thing with OM. You cannot change her or what she's doing right now. She's not herself. I'm sure the first sign of danger with OM, she'll be calling you again. You are her safety. She sounds co-dependent, even though she expresses her need to be independent. I doubt she would survive mentally on her own if you both decided to leave her to herself.

This is where I find myself now. Without H or OM, and I'm terrified. I am a co-dependent, and I need to learn how to NOT depend on a man. I can see this in your wife as you have described her. Correct me if I'm wrong.

I can hear your desparation and I know how my H felt during that time. He is much stronger now after all the BS...you just get to a point where you can't take anymore and you turn your attn to yourself. You'll get there. Just be strong.

IAF

<small>[ October 30, 2002, 01:24 PM: Message edited by: inafunk ]</small>

inafunk,

Thanks for your words. A few things...

Throughout the years I learned to give her the affection she needed but it was never enough. It may have been me, it may have been her. She has always been a perfectionist and my therapist told me today that right now she is holding me to very high standards. I wasn't as cold as your H seemed to be. I am sorry you went through that.

She may be co-dependent but if she is, it is driving her absolutely crazy and she thinks this is the way to get out of it.

As far as jumping from R to R, I don't think so. By the time we married she'd had several boyfriends but few of them were within a short period of each other. As far as the current situation goes, she's gone back and forth between me and the OM only a few times.

Thanks for your words of encouragement.

Be well.