I’ve been reading the MB website for the past few months after I discovered my W affair and honestly it helped me a lot.

I need some advice from all of you on my current situation. This is quite long and complex so please bear with me. I have nobody to turn too.

I met my wife backhome (overseas) and lived together for almost a year until I migrated in North America. I have my papers working even before I met her. That time we really had a wonderful relationship. I do remember she told me not to leave her because it will be too hard for her. I said that it is for our future and I will sponsor her right away. That time we are not legally married. She got pregnant ( I went home for 2 weeks holiday) but I noticed the wrong count of months when the baby was delivered.
I did not ask her about this ( I guess I’m young and st***d). I just convinced myself that it is mine. I ended up bringing my wife and 6 month old daughter in North America after 2 years. Life was not easy but because I have a trade I am doing okay financially. In between she goes home back and forth to our native country and in between we have two more kids for a span of 10 years. All the kids are on my name and I love them. Here comes her confession that the kids are not mine except for the youngest which she is not really sure. I was devastated in a way but happy because I learned to love these kids like my own. Her on and off vacation to our native country is to try to make her relationship with the OM work which after trying hard didn’t work and ended up coming back to me for good. She told me she loves the OM and love me too. The OM is expecting her to divorce me and bring him over to start a new life. But that didn’t work. I treated all of them without reservations like my real family.

One day she learned that the OM got married and this almost killed her emotionally. She was depressed. I tried to comfort her but I know that I am also part to blame. She tried to overcome the depression by working hard and one job she got was an afternoon shift. Here he met a guy and the A is on. I do know that she was very fragile at that very moment and being at that shift is a call for a disaster.

I love her. I love my 3 kids so much even if they are not biologically mine and she knows it. The affair hit her and she said that she wants to feel being young again and the OM2 is providing it. She sleeps in his place after work and just come home in the morning to prepare the kids for school. I leave for work as soon as she got home.

She said it is over for us. Our marriage is just a paper. We don’t have a church wedding. My wife is a self centered person. She doesn’t get along well with her brothers and even her parents. I married her because I love her and I want to protect her from those taking advantages of her frustrations in life in general.
She told me that being in the OM2 place is like a redemtion…it is like a sanctuary. Being in our home and seeing the kids reminds her of the OM1 who just abandoned them and I ended up taking care of. Like I said I love these kids like my own.

I am now like a doormat hoping she will change her mind and comeback to us. I don’t confront her and I already accepted the affair that’s going on. I don’t ask her where she goes or what time she’s coming home. She spend half of the weekend with us and the other half with the OM2. I am a good provider and we still talk about lots of things but not about our relationship. She still cries when we talk touch the topic about OM1. OM2 is well aware of me and OM1 and by just being there, he was able to deposit a lot on my wife’s LB. How can I compete…I think I am currently doing Plan A. Sometimes I think I should be the one called OM.

Please help, how will handle this. Should I just let her go? I told her you can live with OM2 and just leave me the kids. But she is not sure. I suggested for us to have a dignified divorce so we can both move on. She agreed but I can see her reaction that she doesn’t like it.

Please advice

Going to be brutally honest...start legal action to get custody of YOUR children...rather they are of the body or the heart...they are yours. I'm not saying one way or the other about a divorce, that is up to you...but you do need to protect not only your rights as their father...but you need to protect them from their mother's choice in life styles at this time.

Personally...I'd let her go...it's possible that once you do...she'll try her best to come back home...and then you have the choice of either welcoming her back or not. Good Luck!

thanks for the reply just wifey..

yes i did offer a divorce...everytime i do this she is telling me i am "bitter"...we'll i said i have to protect myself and my future too..i don't know where will these things lead us..

i am a bit concern that if i carry on with this she might hurt herself..i remember she told sometimes she just want to hit the car on the wall or kill herself because of her failures ..i think i am dealing here not only a problem in relationship but also the way she was brought up that is why it is more complex...i definitely want her out of my life without hurting her...i guess i am just so in-love with her..she knows that she is secure financially in my care...i do most of the chores around the house to be honest so it is not difficult for me to live without her and looking after my kids at the same time..

how can i get the guts to do it?....am i just gonna close my heart on her?..i don't want to see or talk to her and except kids issues...its painful....i'm pretty much doing everything anyway so i don't really need her help..what kills me sometimes is that when kids start looking for her....she tells them she is at work..which is not....they ask what time she is coming home and most of the time i have to lie..

still confused...........

Spending every night at another mans house and then coming over in the morning is about as grossly disrepectful as one can get...and you should not expose yourself or your children to that....

I would pursue legal action immediately as she may attempt to use paternity against you in the future and this woman has no business dragging children into her world of selfishness...

How does she even know they are not yours..did she have them tested???

She alone is 100% responsible for her actions and even your fear that she would hurt herself based on any of your actions is a control issue...she alone is responsible for her safety and holding you hostage and under such disrespectful conditions of spending each night with the OM is her problem alone...

You must seek legal coucil before she makes a move that totally upsets the sanctuary that children deserve...
you must establish yourself as the caretaker
you must gather evidence of her abandonment.
you must legally protect your children from her taking them into the OM2. home...
you must become as we say...a mother bear in protecting your children from her....

Search Loveherstill posts who rose to a similiar occasion and in the throes of great disrespectful behavior came to be the one stable thing in his childrens lives...

I will say that I have very little concern about her well-being, protecting her emotions, or her reactions...

There are grave consequances to her CHOICES AND ACTIONS and you must stop protecting her and let her experience those consequances she has created.

Seek temporary seperation, custody...which ever legally establishes you with priamry care of the children and gives her established visitation...this is what she has chosen...time to make her live with her choices...

This may all swing around and I pray that she comes to her senses...
but you must have legal boundaries for your own safety...my greatest fear is that if you continue to let be such a disrespectful cake-eater that you will post some day about she came and took the children...please please think of them....

You have the guts to do this....it will make you feel so much more in control of your lives... she is toying with you like a cat with a mouse...enough is enough...
strength to you and yours
ARK

I am so sorry.

First thing is first, before decisions, see an attourney. Most of the time you can get one free phone consultation. If the children are not yours, you may be dealing with serious custody issues. You may not be able to have the children. It would be wise in the meantime to get official DNA testing. This is very expensive around $250 per test, maybe less if multiples are done at once. You probably will also need DNA from their Mom.

If the attourney informs you that it will be nearly impossible for you to keep your children, then you may add another complexity to your decision. You may have to decide to stay married until the children are older just so that you may continue to be father (and mother) to YOUR children.

It appears as though you may have already decided to get a divorce for reasons of continued A's. This decision is entirely up to you. You have to determine if you love your wife enough to continue to forgive her A's and probably additional A's. She has definitely displayed a pattern here of which more than likely she will continue even if the current A ends unless what is broken about her and you is fixed.

So much can be said here and so much about the reasoning for her A's must be explored. I will not try to surmise why her past relationship failed or why your relationship with her has failed. I believe you must research this yourself, if you have not already. There may be concrete problems that can be repaired through counseling, MB concepts, etc.

thank you very much for all your response..

the custody is not a big issue at this point...in fact she is willing to give up the kids..but
i have to be cautious....like what i have read on some part of this side ..its like she was
"abducted by an alien"..she wants a fresh start without any baggage with the OM...okay fine..
..i don't mind her taking the kids and lets see how can she and the OM cope up with raising them
i would say i am gifted of being a caretaker..patient and can handle the stress in house work
without any trouble while working fulltime...in fact i am thinking of getting a helper to look after the
kids while i am at work...my youngest is halfday at school..in the afternoon..

...right at this moment she is at home...calling me at work...she just quit her job yesterday...some
issues i guess..i know she cant handle job too long because of her attitude ...anyway she called
me twice at work but i am not picking it up...i don't feel comfortable talking to her now..

i will have my time off this friday and i am going to see a lawyer to discuss the issues..

thanks again...i appreciate it very much..