This was for therapy ... or catharsis. A letter to OM that won't be sent (or will it?).

*****
Dear OM:

I debated many hours whether I would take pen to paper and compose this note and after writing it I debated more whether I would actually send it. Right off, while I owe you nothing, I will say that I mean you no harm with this. I cannot, in good conscience, step into your life as dramatically as you have into mine. There is, after all, a great deal of responsibility you still bear.

Nearly five years ago, in front of gathered friends and family, I pledged to build a life with the most wonderful person in the world. It was beautiful day in April made better by taking my bride’s hand in mine and stepping forward with her as husband and wife. This day, as it was back then, my pledge is for life. I don’t expect you to understand this. Frankly, you cannot possibly understand the magnitude of this until you yourself walk with someone in marriage. And I also remember, like it was yesterday, that amazing September day 10 years ago that I first told the same woman I love her.

Please, don’t get me wrong, I am quite certain that you have feelings that are very real and I know my wife has them, too. I understand that new love is strong, stronger than most people are aware. But I also know how powerful old love is. You see, I’ve been in love with my wife since before you knew how to drive.

So … as I see it you have choices now just as you had choices then. You can continue to choose to live inside the mess you helped create, disrespecting my marriage and the marriage of the woman you claim to love. Or, you can choose to do the right thing.

whippit

Hope it helped YOU! It's a pretty good letter, rather you send it or not. Don't know enough about your situation to give an opinion on that. Good Luck!

whippit,
That is a good letter for yourself. I have not been here very long and had to learn a lot the hard way. I have learned and as I am sure you are aware, you cannot change other people. I actually talked many times to the OM. In fact, he made a poor attempt at ending the A, but wanted to call me so he wouldn't call her. I can't believe I fell for that. What he was doing was just seeing, through me, how she would respond to him being away. Of course, she let him know that she was heartbroken and he was the love of her life, blah, blah, blah. This letter, which is very well articulated, will reach deaf ears. He had a choice in the beginning, but, even though I am not sure of your whole story, he is already in too deep to "do the right thing." My wifes OM, tried to do the right thing, A was only 2 months old, and he couldn't.
The part I would disagree with is the part in you letter about first love and real love. The excitement they feel towards each other is Imitation Love. You can only have true and real feelings of love FROM someone when you are open and honest with someone and they still love you. These A's are BASED on lies, deceit and fantasy. How can that be real love, it isn't. Imitation love is what our WS's and OP are getting. Don't fool yourself, or let anyone else fool you, and believe that this is real love. If I have learned anything in the short 2 months since d-day, I have learned that.
You may have already known all of this, but just wanted to share it with you.
My attitude towards my wife change drastically when I realized this. I kept wondering how she could just all of a sudden stop loving me and start loving someone else. It's because she can't. It's Imitation love. Oh, yeah they will try everything in the book to convince us that this is the real thing, that they never really loved us. That they were meant to be with OP. Funny, My wife actually told me, on a conference call with OM (don't ask, long story) that if I had given her affection, praise, said I love you more, held her more, etc this would never have happened. She admitted right in front of him that he wouldn't even be here if it wasn't for me "messing up." So how can they have real love? Answer, they can't.
Who is it they try to convince? If it is so real, and I'm sure they do believe it is, then why the need to convince anyone? And why the need to keep "Real Love" a secret?
Just something to think about, since I think about it a lot. Well not so much as anymore (thanks 2long & TMCM)

happinesswithin ... thanks for the response. This letter is one that will never be sent. It had to be done for me. I have no desire to speak to OM for any reason. This letter, in fact, was a way to help me move beyond caring about what he thinks or feels or does. "Telling" him about what he's up against in this fashion is a way for me to stand up for myself without it backfiring on me in any way. I know full well that any attempt to contact OM will be wasted effort and why would I want to waste anything on someone who can't or won't help me? I also know that the "love" they feel for each other is a fantasy ... I was just trying to kill him with kindness.

Things working in my favor:

1. I'm a patient man who loves his wife.
2. I'm getting better every day.
3. OM will screw up. It's not a matter of if, it's when. And I will be there ... just like I was on the day he broke up with her (D-Day).

whippit, sorry if you thought I was trying to educate you. I wasn't by any means. I think my reply was just as much for me as it was for you.
You do have a lot going for you. And, your right, it's not a matter of if, but when. I will be there too for my Wife as well.

Take care

HW

Didn't think that at all. Just trying to carry on the conversation!

hey there,

excellent description of what is what you are feeling, what you are moved and riven by.
will it help if you send it? of course not. your dear OM will think: christ, what a loser. get over with it.
my letter to my OM was different in that I told him I'll come and will beat him up if contact persists. I havent done it yet, but still may do it.

the bottom line is that my letter didnt help in the larger scheme of things. not at all, really. neither will yours. therefore: forget it. forget the loser. because this scum is simply not worth it.

more interesting is, what are you doing? what is your WW doing? what is your plan?

wish you strength - to play this game, be prepared for the long haul!

Best,
N

Don't be fooled, I thought of pummeling him to a pulp (think Fight Club <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> ) a time or two but realized that it doesn't help me accomplish anything for me.

Thnaks for the well wishes. I'm a patient man who loves his wife and I'm prepared to wiat this out.