And tell her to stop calling H?

Ooooooh <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> Like we don't have enough to deal with! We have a long recovery road to travel and OW is like a huge ditch in the middle of the road. Sorry...venting.

Okay...what can we do? Suggestions please. We have changed all phone numbers - twice. A no contact letter was sent months ago. H has broken it off with her...many times. Then OW calls to see how H is doing and phone calls start up again. This last time...she lasted a week before calling. H did not answer call but OW left msg. Then she called w/restricted caller ID, H answered and said he couldn't talk...hung up. Yahoo! H was honest and told me <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> And I was cool and calm and didn't LB. Yeah for me!

Now I want to be working on recovery and H's understanding of the why of A and why he lets contact start up again...and again. Is that possible with OW calling H?

Anyone dealt with a similar situation? Suggestions please. I know I don't want to call OW but sometimes...well...

Has your H sent her a no contact letter? That would be in order.

Then get the phone service that does not allow any restricted phone calls through. She's have to let your caller Id show where the call is coming from.

Perhaps include in the no contact letter that the calling has to stop your husband and you are going to get a restraining order against her because it's now harassment. And get the telephone company to log all calls so that you have a record of her calling and stalking your H.

Do you ever pick up the phone when she calls? If you do, then politely tell her to no call again. Or better yet, after the restraining order, tell her that you are now calling the police.

Maybe you and your H can come to an agreement that you are the one who picks up the phone most of the time. Lessens the payoff she gets when he answers.

If you changed your phone number twice, how is she getting it? Is it unlisted?

Ask your husband if it's ok with him if you call her. Initially I contacted my h's OW'en (10 <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> ). That's how I found out about his affairs. But afterwards some of them were still emailing and calling him on his cell. So I put a recording on his cell "Hello you have reached Mr. and Mrs. Zorweb". And he agreed to let me handle all emails, phone calls, etc. And he agreed that I could contact them all I wanted to.

It did not take long for them to back off when they could never get him... like he turned into me. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> It was kind of fun... in a healing sort of way. As my counselor said, it allowed me to take my place as his wife.. the queen of our castle. (I'm still waiting for be bejeweled crown. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> )

Thanks Zorweb - and for the record I can't wait until I have a signature line like yours!

OW calls H on his work cell phone. Our home number is unpublished unlisted and rejects calls w/o ID.

The last time H asked OW how she got # OW said...Let's just say I'm gonna run out of favors if you keep changing your number. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

We did send a no contact letter last May. Is it a good idea to send another? I like the idea of including information on harassment. I feel like sending the letter to her mother <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> Okay...not the right thing to do...I know.

Anyway, I asked H what WE could do. H is being the stong...I can do it on my own guy. I asked H what was different this time...what is it now that will keep him from giving in. H said the fear of me leaving him. Hmmmm... I said I would be smoking today if when I quit somebody was standing there every day offering me a cigatette. No response.

Our next session with Steve is Friday...seems like an eternity away.

Thanks for the advice.

<small>[ October 30, 2002, 10:58 AM: Message edited by: Twinkles ]</small>

At this point in time I'd just go ahead and take out a restrainining order. I did actually finally call the OW and tell her that the next step was legal action, and we never heard from her again. But that doesn't always work. I was actually kind of surprised that it did, but I did it in a fit of anger when I wasn't thinking clearly.That was after several months of harassment. The thing is, if you call her that is contact, and for people like that, any contact is good contact. She will feel validated by you calling her. That was the mistake I made when the OW kept calling me and I'd talk to her. It made her feel like an important part of our marriage instead of the outsider that she was. If I would have refused to speak to her (like my H did) I think she would have gone away a lot faster.

Oh Twinkles.....

U have a psyco babble also?!?! My condolences.... yep, still having to deal with the fact that some nut about 35 miles away thinks we can't live without...... I just want to do the SBC thing and reach out and 'slap someone'..... LOL!!

So one of the things I am implementing is that I hear all messages and read all e-mails. Responses will given be by me with H knowing exactly what is being done. Now I am sure that Mrs. PBR (oh yea, she hates being called by her supposed X-married name....so guess what I do??? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> ), anyways I am sure PBR will not want to hear my lovely voice or read my responses. So we will see how long this go around lasts.

This PBR really really needs to get a job. For a woman that doesn't have any children (except 2 dogs) and no H, she needs to get a real job (currently works 2 internet sites selling tea and blankets)...... the woman just has too much time on her hands. YUCK!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

L.

Well...it's not a fun thing to deal with. My H's xOW continued to attempt to call him, when that didn't work she applied and got a job in his office (she was a co-worker but had worked in an office about 40 miles from H's office). Since H was under contact, he couldn't just up and change jobs. Things became very tense at home...but...H was wonderfully about telling me whenever she "ran him to ground"...seldom as they didn't work on the same floor and she had no business on his and he never went to her floor. (Mainly ran him down when he was out smoking, he found more and more out of the way places to smoke.) I made no move in her direction...I felt that it was H's mess and his to clean up. He became harsher and harsher to her attempts, had other co-workers running interference for him...finally she took a position in another state (yeah) but she continued with phone calls every few months. Finally, he just wouldn't answer his work phone, all calls went to his voice box and he returned calls to others. Now...he hasn't heard from her in a few months, but I wouldn't be shocked if he came home and told me tonight that she called today. It's something I've come to live with...I accept that he can NOT control her actions...only his own...and his own are perfectly acceptable to me.

If you H is telling you about the calls, avoiding them whenever possible, never calling her, and never talking to her if she does get through...then he's doing his part.

NOW...if however she is calling YOUR home, then immediately get an RO. If her calling your H is continually keeping both of you upset, if he's unable to be harsh then maybe an RO is the only way to go. Up to you AND your H.

Contact by cell phone by the other woman is a BIG trigger for me. She would not stop calling him for the first couple of weeks. On our very first visit to our counselor, my H said, I told her not to call anymore, and my counselor said, but you are still talking to her on your cell phone. You are giving this girl mixed messages. On one hand, you say, don't call me, but on the other hand, once she calls, you talk to her. You need to tell her, if you call me, I will no longer talk to you. And if she calls, then once you hear her voice, you need to hang up. If you talk to her, you are placing your needs above your wife's at this point and not going through with what you originally said. He said, but that would hurt her feelings. The counselor said, no, she is hurting her own feelings. You have already told her you won't speak to her, but she chooses to call anyway. If she is looking for closure, she can't get it from you, she has to get it from herself. This is not the ending to a normal relationship, and don't fool yourself that it is.

So, our agreement was: he tells me when she calls immediately. So she called the last time, he told her what our counselor said, and said, please go on with your life, I love K, and I can never speak to you again. If you call, I will be forced to hurt your feelings by hanging up on you, so please don't. She calls, he hangs up when he hears her voice, and then he immediately calls me. I tell him thank you very much for being honest and I love him. Like this only happened twice, and then she stopped calling ater he hung up on her. She doesn't dare show up to his performances because I am there now, and have made a point to speak with all the bandwives and girlfriends that are there on a regular basis, giving them my number, and swearing eternal wife vigilance pacts. It's gotten to the point where if he picks up the phone, says hello, and there is a moment's hesitation (from an unknown number), he just hangs up anyway. So, that's what worked for us.

Well thank you everyone. I am a little calmer today. OW only called and left 2 msgs for H on his cell yesterday. BUT H told me about it <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> I have to see the good there.

I have decided to let H give it another try...let him close the door on his own. H believes if he doesn't answer calls or msgs and doesn't speak to OW she will stop calling. If she doesn't stop...we will cross that bridge then. And thanks to all of you we have some options to consider.

In the meantime...I will leave my own msgs for H on his cell. I will leave a joke...anyone heard any good ones lately? I will tell him he is wonderful. I will say thank you for being strong. I will tell him I love him. All happy, light, loving, supportive msgs. So H can hear MY voice all day too <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

What do you think?