Hi, new here. Have read posts and used some content from this site in the past. Now I really need to air a problem.

I am VERY happily married. We were married young, had kids young and beat the odds. We have been through EVERYTHING together. This woman is my life. The past few months have been the best ever. Been married over 7 years and have two wonderfull kids, beautiful home, everyhting I ever wanted... Thats where the story comes in.

I went on a hunting trip. Same hunting trip with the same buddies I go with for years now. At the bar one night a woman started flirting, I thought it was harmless. I let it continue. My friends invited her and a bunch of other people over to the house we stay at for an after-bar party. To make a long story short, just as things got started, i bailed. I said I am out of hear, I am happily married, and left sent her out. I sat there contemplating the situation, and went to tell me friends what happened.

It was a small town an I was there for a few days, so we crossed paths a couple more times. I ended up talking with her about my family and hers in depth the last nite I was there. I am not interested in her at all.

Well, I stuggled imensely with the decision to tell my wife. I tell her, on my golden birthday no less. ROUGH couple days, I have HUGE guilt for hurting her. Things seemed to be working out... She is leaving me. Says she deserves better, she'll never trust me, and that there is better men available.

I am devestated. I am waitng for her to come home now. Will it be a bad confrontation? What do I tell her? I am totally screwed.

Any ideas? I scheduled a counseling session somewhere, but that is two weeks away. What can I do?

<small>[ October 30, 2002, 11:20 AM: Message edited by: on_a_dime ]</small>

I can understand her hurt and anger, I really can. You already know that this situation got 'carried away'. You did do something smart, you pulled away from OW and you told your W. Your W is very angry (obviously). My suggestions:

-First, if at all possible try to get an earlier MC/IC session. Is that possible...perhaps with another IC??
-Talk to her in a loving, supportive and mature way. If she gets angry, don't fight back. Remain calm. Try to convince her to NOT make any hasty decisions at this point.
-Try to convince her, if you already haven't to accompany you to MC/IC.
-Show her, don't just tell her that you will have NO further contact with OW. Actions speak louder than words.
-Make your life open to her...cell phone bills, bank and credit card statements, be accountable for your time and whereabouts etc..
-Something else to consider...what kind of friends put their married buddy into that kind of situation? You may need to re-evaluate the boundaries of your friendship with them ie. what you can and cannot be a part of when with them.
-Suggest that she come to this site. There's lots to be learned here (for both of you). She will find many supportive people who can help you both throught this.

Best of luck!

<small>[ October 30, 2002, 11:33 AM: Message edited by: mgm ]</small>

Thanks mgm. All sound ideas.

Things went OK today, but I dont think I am out of the woods. The main problem seems to be me. How do I get rid of the HUGE feelings of guilt that I feel for hurting her? Its killing me.

I will try to get an earlier MC session, and my wife is supportive of going. I didnt fight back when she got angry. And yes, my friends are a concern. I dont think I'll be making that trip again.

And our lifes are always very open. The is no way I could hold an A if I wanted too. Its how we like things, we are best of friends and always have been.

I just cant get over feeling not worthy to go near her in an intimate way. She wanted to be intimate tonite and I couldnt. She thinks that I dont want to because I want OW. I moved myself to the basement because I thought I needed to. Was that a bad idea? She thinks so. She went out tonite with a friend, maybe she will see things my way. Maybe time is all I need. I just hope time is on my side.

Thanks for the help. I'm such an @ss.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> She wanted to be intimate tonite and I couldnt. She thinks that I dont want to because I want OW. I moved myself to the basement because I thought I needed to. Was that a bad idea? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">In a sentence?

Get your behind back upstairs. She needs to feel that you desire her. Don't mess that up.

I know it may be hard to be "into" certain scenarios, but just keep telling yourself that SHE IS WANTING YOU!!!!

I'm sitting here alone, after a 14 year marriage was shot to h3ll by the WW's A (I wanted to reconcile, she didn't). All the while my stbXW is up the road somewhere in bed with OM #2.

That life ain't grand. You don't even wanted to get turned in that direction.

You just confessed a no-no and your wife wants intimacy. Count your blessings. Show her that your thankful.

Boo

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by on_a_dime:
<strong>
...Things went OK today, but I dont think I am out of the woods. The main problem seems to be me. How do I get rid of the HUGE feelings of guilt that I feel for hurting her? Its killing me....

...I just cant get over feeling not worthy to go near her in an intimate way. She wanted to be intimate tonite and I couldnt. She thinks that I dont want to because I want OW. I moved myself to the basement because I thought I needed to. Was that a bad idea? She thinks so. She went out tonite with a friend, maybe she will see things my way. Maybe time is all I need. I just hope time is on my side.

Thanks for the help. I'm such an @ss.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Everyone makes mistakes. Let's be blunt...you really made a HUGE mistake. Face it, deal with it and ACT to make things better with your W. Prove yourself to her with loving actions, not just promises of future fidelity. I don't know if the guilt ever goes away...maybe a recovered FWS can answer that(post it as another/new thread and ask...someone will answer!).

I'll assume that not being able to be intimate means you were unable to achieve or maintain an erection. Intimacy does not necessarily involve intercourse. Love making has many forms. Use your imagination! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> The most important thing to do is show your W you truly believe she is the only one, that she's sexy, beautiful and desireable. She wants to be close to you, to know and feel that you still care, that you still love her. The worst thing you can do, at this point, is to 'pull away' from her. Don't add to the distance that already exists between the two of you!! Guilt is a useless emotion and very self-centered. Remorse, on the other hand, is about making changes, making reparations and working on you.

Prove you are sorry. Prove you'll work hard at the M. Prove you can be trusted. Prove you love her and find her attractive and desireable. Thinking about this situation is important(understanding why it happened)...ACTING to improve the M is just as important!!

<small>[ October 30, 2002, 09:56 PM: Message edited by: mgm ]</small>

First...the difference between guilt and remorse! Learn well!!!

guilt...is about self. It is selfish! It is about "poor little me". STOP!

remorse...is making changes and repairing. It's being open and honest. It's doing whatever is needed for THE OTHER PERSON!

Get yourself back upstairs! NOW! You've created a distance between your W and yourself. You're building walls in which to hide behind so that you can suffer in your guilt...leaving your W ALONE to suffer in confusion!

Making love is NOT only about sex!!! Making love is coming together with love, with caring, with empathy, with kindness. Allowing yourself to be open with her, to listen, to share, to be close...and when you do...bonding and joining happens...because you want that little extra bit of closeness! That's making love!