Halloween Rules
1. When it appears that you have killed the monster,
NEVER check to see if it's really dead.
2. Never read a book of demon summoning aloud,
even as a joke.
3. Do not search the basement, especially if the power
has gone out.
4. If your children speak to you in Latin or any other
language which they should not know, shoot them
immediately. It will save you a lot of grief in the
long run. However, it will probably take several
rounds to kill them, so be prepared. This also
applies to kids who speak with somebody else's
voice.
5. When you have the benefit of numbers, NEVER pair
off and go alone.
6. As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open
portals to Hell.
7. Never stand in, on, or above a grave, tomb, or
crypt. This would apply to any other house of the
dead as well.
8. If you're searching for something which caused a
loud noise and find out that it's just the cat, GET
THE HECK OUT!
9. If appliances start operating by themselves, do not
check for short circuits; just get out.
10. Do not take ANYTHING from the dead.
11. If you find a town which looks deserted, there's
probably a good reason for it. Don't stop and look
around.
12. Don't fool with recombinant DNA technology unless
you're sure you know what you're doing.
13. If you're running from the monster, expect to trip
or fall down at least twice, more if you are
female. Also note that, despite the fact that you
are running and the monster is merely shambling
along, it's still moving fast enough to catch up
with you.
14. If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit
uncharacteristic behavior such as hissing,
fascination for blood, glowing eyes, increasing
hairiness, and so on, kill them immediately.
15. Stay away from certain geographical locations,
some of which are listed here: Amityville, Elm Street,
Transylvania, Nilbog (you're in trouble if
you recognize this one), anywhere in Texas where
chainsaws are sold, the Bermuda Triangle, or any
small town in Maine.
16. If your car runs out of gas at night on a lonely
road, do not go to the nearby deserted-looking
house to phone for help. If you think that it is
strange you ran out of gas because you thought you
had most of a tank, shoot yourself instead. You are
going to die anyway, and most likely be eaten.
17. Beware of strangers bearing tools. For example:
chainsaws, staple guns, hedge trimmers, electric
carving knives, combines, lawnmowers, butane
torches, soldering irons, band saws, or any devices
made from deceased companions.
18. If you find that your house is built upon a
cemetery, now is the time to move in with the
in-laws. This also applies to houses that had
previous inhabitants who went mad or committed
suicide or died in some horrible fashion, or had
inhabitants who performed satanic practices.
19. Dress appropriately. When investigating a noise
downstairs in an old house, women should not wear a
flimsy negligee. And carry a flashlight, not a
candle.
20. Do not mention the names of demons around open
flames, as these can flare suddenly. Be especially
careful of fireplaces in this regard.
22. Do not go looking for witches in the Maryland
countryside.
23. If you are a teenager, don't have sex - it's
always the ones having sex that are killed first.
24. If you truly must use a ouija board, could you
please call a nice person who went to heaven,
somebody like Mother Teresa - why is it that no one
ever does that?
25. Don't drink blood, even if you wanna be cool and
your friends are doing it.
26. Sleepover party? Um...nope, better not.
27. This is probably a bad night to open that
mysterious trunk in the attic you've always
wondered about, but mother warned you never to
touch.
28. Don't tease the town crazy person. Remember, if
they once killed someone, especially their mom or a
total stranger, for no reason - THEY WILL NEVER GET
ALL BETTER, THEY ARE STILL AND ALWAYS WILL BE, A
PSYCHO !
29. If you're hanging around your school on Halloween
YOU'RE creepy !
30. I would say, "Don't take candy from strangers..."
but that's the whole damn point !!!
