As if you didn't already know how your WS is/was affected by the fog, try this one on for size.

My WW works as a restaurant manager and OM was one of her bartenders (WW has since taken a new position at another restaurant). At the beginning of July (right about the time the EA became PA), the police were called to the restaurant because a young woman was fighting in the parking lot. Police arrived and discovered the woman was drunk and underage. Cop begins to investigate and finds the following:

1. Doorman didn't card underage/drunk girl (among others).
2. Bartenders, operating under the assumption that doorman is carding, serve without verifying ID.

WW, as the manager on duty, is brought into the loop and begins to sort out the situation. She eventually signs the citation as the agent for the establishment after asking the officer whether she held personal liability for signing. Officer sez "no." The underage drunk girl, the doorman and the serving bartender (OM) all get cited, as well.

Fast forward to early October. Upon advice from OM, WW makes some calls to the DA handling the case and discovers that she IS liable for signing the citation. A few more calls get made and we retain an attorney. During our initial consultaion with the attorney, he hints that he'll point the legal finger at OM (mind you, this is two days after he broke things off with her and D-Day plus 1).

Fast forward a couple more weeks and a few contacts between WW to OM. Last week, after learning that the DA is throwing the book at everyone involved, attorney advises WW not to contact anyone associate with the case ... the old restaurant, the girl, and OM. Such contact could jeopardize quite a lot. WW's a bar manager and this case (a liquor violation), should she be found guilty, could mean the loss of her job and future in an industry she loves (never mind such a great company with unlimited opportunity for someone with her talent). All for "love." So what's happened? More contact from WW to OM (not sure to what extent).

This should add some perspective to us all. If an attorney's advice or the possibility of losing a job or a legal conviction isn't enough to lift the fog then certainly the emotional pleadings of a betrayed spouse can't do it, either. Be patient and loving and forgiving and the best person you can be. Show her/him your best self. If your WS doesn't value this, you've done all you can do and you'll love yourself more.

<small>[ October 30, 2002, 01:06 PM: Message edited by: whippit ]</small>

whippit, your last paragraph sums it all up. ALL WE can do is be patient and better ourselves and have FAITH that our WS's will see the difference in us. Emotional pleadings of the BS, just show, IMHO, weakness of the BS. Would you want to be around someone who begged, pleaded? Probably not. Would you rather be around someone who has confidence in themselves and treats their WS as a human being capable of making mistakes and instead of pointing out those mistakes, just accepts them and tries to better themselves and show it instead of telling everyone about it? I would.
My Wife has given up her friends, family, husband, time with her kids, and a marriage to be with OM. How many times have you heard of someone giving up all of those same things for Alcohol, or gambling? It's an addiction. I don't look at people with those addictions as BAD people. Our WS's are not BAD people, they have just made a BAD mistake. I for one will not condemn my wife for being human. For doing so would mean I would have to condemn myself for the mistakes I have made. It's easy for us to ridicule and come hear and vent, as we should here (god knows I have), but at the end of the day would we still take a bullet for our WS's. I would without question.
Just knowing that what my Wife has with OM is imitation love and not Real Love keeps me sane. I try to remember that everyday, and it really helps. It helps me to let go and not get jealous. How can I be jealous of Imitation Love?
Sorry for rambling, sometimes things just keep coming out. Now, all I have to do is practice what I am attempting to preach, THAT is the hardest part.

HW